Severe shyness like dropping dead

[ocnp]

Very shy, has made me attend two universities just to obtain a degree in computer science. I had prayed in the past not to make the best of grades in the university because I would have no reason not to land a good job in the midst of people. Very anxious at public funtions, especially where I am already known and more comfortable where I am not known already. It makes me run away from opportunities that are available all the time. So I don’t have stable work because I run away once exposed. But I can be king anywhere until my severe shyness is exposed. I am married with four kids and I love my family dearly but they are suffering because of this-I think my children will be wondering why they are suffering when their dad is a graduate and read and knows programming. My wife does not know what goes on inside me all the time, may be because we grew up from the same locality and everybody thought me to such a nice and prodigious boy then since I knew Mathematics and Sciences too well and was decent. My goal as a child was to be an inventor. But my shyness grew worse as I grew older and the goal I set for myself not achieved. I have sent prayer requests in tunes that indicated possible suicide, but no one replied. I have taken myself to a psychiatric hospital, they just laughed me off. I am very knowledgeable and erudite but it has not benefited me. Shyness has caused me my life. I am mocked at everywhere, even in the churches and I shed inner tears all the time. No one understands all the infighting in my mind. I have no money to pursue professional solution. When I was young, I used avoidance but I cannot avoid going to work and so there is a problem. Some people think I am lazy but that is not my problem at all. I am not introverted really or even fearful really; only avoid people and places just for severe shyness. Sometimes, some people are surprised that I am shy when they start noticing it because it is always hidden initially.

If I look back to the origin, I would only say two factors are responsible but that is also debatable…

But I don’t want to commit suicide because I believe strongly God loves me and I don’t want to go to hell and I don’t want to put my dear wife and lovely children in shame all their life. I make bold to say I need urgent help.

[fauxartist]

If your contemplating suicide...this is a good reason why not...the ripple effect it has... I am sorry your suffering from social anxiety...many here also have this, if you read some posts and comments you will find others here with similar issues and hopefully some answers for yourself. As this is a come and go community on here, sometimes people's posts go unanswered and it's unfortunate, but it's just a fact, nothing personal. It's why I think this site should be thought of more as just another tool, or outlet along with therapy.

youtu.be/wYrLa3S2KDo(Not working as expected?)

[ocnp in reply to fauxartist]

Dear Ma,

I am expecting to hear from you. The help I need is seeing a professional for diagnosis and treatment- I don’t have the money for that. I believe you work for humanity. I can’t explain what goes on inside of me and I am ashamed I have to expose this but because I want solution. I can’t end up this way. God forbid! I didn’t know there is an online help available-just stumbled on it. Here in Nigeria, agencies concentrate on the physically challenged.

I have been with some pastors on my issue but their response is what I don’t want to disclose here so that they won’t feel it’s sacrilegious of me in case they read this and I do respect them a lot. I have also sent many prayer requests in the past; I didn’t get any response, may be they prayed for me. And there’s much talk against negative confession.

When I did my NYSC (compulsory one year service to the country for fresh university graduates not older than 30 years) way back in 2002, I personally visited a government owned psychiatric hospital, armed with my ID card which kind of made it easy for me in terms of cost. The doctor just laughed me off when I told him my story in the presence of other doctors. They gave me some drugs which I discontinued using because they made me sleep like a fool, to say the least… And when I saw insane and deranged persons in the premises of the hospital, I really advised myself… yet the problem quickly resurfaced in full force. And I always advise myself but immediately after that the problem continues. I cry inside of me every time which sometimes shows in my eyes in the public and I will use my handkerchief to clean up. Every day! This is not life or leaving… What more do I need to say?

Well, some blogs advised not to use my real name for expressing this and I agreed mainly because of my children-I don’t want them to know exactly how it is with me! So I don’t know if anybody will dislike this.

Thanks for praying for me

Okey

[fauxartist in reply to ocnp]

nobody will judge you here...this is a place to share....these are good, kind, and compassionate people....I care....your share is like so many others here, so you know your not alone with this. I hope you keep sharing, it's very healing for me to take some of the power out of my sadness by writing it out. And when you get to know some of the people here...it can help more than I can express in words....I'm happy your here.

[ocnp in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you so much. When this is dealt with, will be very happy. I have everything but this ugly thing. It affects the welfare of my children as well...everything

[canadaman815]

I'm sorry to hear you feel this way, and that you desire to get help, but are unable to. I can't say I can fully understand what you've gone through, but I definitely know what it's like to be introverted to the point of depression and being ridiculed for not being like everybody else. It's so sad that sometimes our churches do the worst job of accepting us for who we are. But I commend you for thinking of your family and respecting them so much.

Do you have a pastor you could talk to about this? I've often found getting coffee with my pastor to be therapeutic. A good line you can call to get a free consult, or just to talk, is 855-382-5433. Praying for you today.

[Hidden]

Wow I really feel for you, I suffer with social anxiety as well. When you go to the places with a lot of people is it a good feeling when you walk away? If it is, then take that positive with you the next time. Force positive thoughts into your brain. You know how powerful our brains are, goodness we only use 10%, so get rid of the negative as it only breeds more. I know it's a huge challenge, sadly no one can do it for us. Know how special you are, there is only 1 you. Be kind & gentle with yourself. Sending you peace of mind, love, hugs & joy!!!

[ocnp in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, anxiety_59, for your comforting words. I never knew there’s someone who could patiently listen to me let alone giving comforting words.

To answer your question, before any occasion which is impossible for me to avoid, my mind kind of rehearse what later would be the reality at the occasion. As much as I try to let my mind off this rehearsing, it will be futile most times until I am disgraced. And most of the time, I stay in the sidelines. And if it happens that I behave like the others at the occasion without betraying myself, I go back home a most happy man and this propels me doing well in the public for more days to come until…

But if I cannot avoid giving talk and do it without betraying myself, I go back home like one who won a lottery, very happy and this takes me for many days (as far as I am not before the public all the time) until…

And anytime I make a success at giving a talk at an occasion if I cannot avoid it, I could be taken as the best speaker in the world, because I am very audible, well researched and give points many people never thought of in an impeccable and expert manner.

I think the problem begins with my mind then my eyes…

But if I betray myself at the occasion, I’ll like let the ground open and swallow me up and everyone would notice it. Depression quickly sets in like I said in my posts earlier…

Sometimes, I try to force myself to be in the spotlight or even participate but if I succeed or fail, my mood will be like explained in the paragraphs before this or earlier posts. Many times I talk to myself and try to force myself but…

Thanks…