What helps you in social settings?

[Mistythepug]

I can be surrounded by people all talking, having a good time. But feelings of sadness hit because I am awkward and can never think of things to say to others. I know they notice how quite I am, and I really don't want to be. But I can't force anything to come out of me. I've battled with shyness my whole life but it's too a whole new level now and I don't what can help.

[Weatherwoman]

I suppose that a therapist that deals with Social Anxiety can help you feel more comfortable in social situations --or, maybe you have already tried therapy. I have felt this way & still do re. finding it hard to communicate with others --I don't think it's shyness with me. I am better able to communicate one on one, but when in a crowd of people, I am pretty quiet, and feel others see & know this which makes me feel more uncomfortable. I would call myself "a friendly introvert" which is okay, but highly misunderstood in our extroverted society. Mainly, it helps to Accept ourselves the way we are, and it's taken Years for me to be more acceptable of my own nature & I am still uncomfortable in many social situations! I am hoping that you don't take SO many years to accept that you are You, and try & be more comfortable with that. Also, find a subject, or subjects that you know well, and can speak with confidence on. Or, find people who you can connect to with similar interests. Hope these suggestions help. And, may I add that A lot of conversations are just Plain Boring, and lost of times, I'd rather be alone reading a book, or "binging" on some Netflix series. But, I don't mean to be flip here, as I do know how difficult it can be.

[Rufus07 in reply to Weatherwoman]

I feel the same way about being in crowds. Even if they are friends. With the friends especially, I feel like they just think I’m a b**** for being so antisocial. I too am an introvert and prefer my own company.

[Weatherwoman in reply to Rufus07]

We are not antisocial, but others may perceive us as such. That's not the case, but hard to explain & I won't even try to explain it. Introvert's just process things differently in the world, and there is no right, or wrong way. Vive le difference! Just like some have brown eyes, some blue. Most people are right handed, some are left handed. We need to embrace our difference --I know, easier said, then done!

[Rufus07 in reply to Weatherwoman]

it is easier said than done. Thank you for your reply.

[Weatherwoman in reply to Rufus07]

Welcome!

[Windsorgardener5087]

Hi,Just because you feel it, that doesn't mean it's true is a saying in therapy.

For this reason, it's helpful to use objective criterior to evaluate our situation.

My go to is using 12 Socratic questions to focus on evidence v my gut feelings.

In exercises with my therapist, I think of an issue I am currently worried about e.g. for you it my be shyness.

Then using the Socratic questions, I write down answers to test the validity of my current perceptions.

The last step is realistically re-rating the likelihood that my fears will be realised e.g. speaking to someone from 0-100%. If this number comes out on the low side at 5% then I feel more confident about coming out of my shell to make the effort to join in because nothing bad is likely to happen.

This a long reply but unless you specifically work on the idea, nothing will change. If you can't do it on your own, I couldn't, then maybe do it with someone else or in a short course of CBT with a therapist.

All the best 🐈‍⬛

[Rufus07 in reply to Windsorgardener5087]

Thank you

[PadThaiNoodles]

I also found CBT quite helpful — both in understanding that nothing bad will happen if I enter the conversation, and also that nothing bad will happen if I choose to be a wallflower. If people come to the conclusion that I’m unfriendly or uninterested then that’s their issue, not mine.

Given all that, I do still find social settings exhausting, and usually want to leave earlier than my wife does. But she knows who I am by now….

[Rufus07 in reply to PadThaiNoodles]

Thank you for your reply. Unfortunately I care too much about what people think about me.