Sometimes it feels like I am doing all of the hard work and I'm still drowning. And the things that I am doing are the most anxiety and stress inducing parts of my life, thus far.
I applied for disability 2 years ago (physical and mental), and am still in the appeals process. This means I have 0 income. I call my lawyer all the time for updates and we have nothing.
Ive exhausted my resources, my family no longer can help me, my ex husband is about to evict me from the marital home in which i live, my car is about to be repossessed, and the utility shut offs - ugh.
I had a small breakdown in April due to the stress and was hospitalized 10 days. This made things worse, when i was released, i found court summons from my ex husband, overdue utility bill notices, just more stress. These past few months have been like walking on a tight rope.
I was with a man long distance whom i adored and he had come to visit and swore he was in it for the long haul and was learning about my issues and how he could be a partner and support for me; then he began to ignore me in increasing increments and seemingly waited for an excuse, then abruptly left me. That made things 1000x worse. Despite my previous marriage, this guy, he was really the first love i ever had, i could feel the difference. It was just another huge blow.
I have someone now and he's great, but I will not let him get close to me because I will not risk going through anymore heartache until im in a better place, so it's hard to accept support from him.
I have a case worker through a mental health organization to help me, but i dont want to be totally dependent, yet Im agoraphobic so there's a certain degree of what i'm currently capable of and what I can accomplish on my own.
While watching a movie with my sig. other last night I abrubtly went into panic attack mode, realizing the severity of all thats going on. After hiding a crying for a short bit, i took an anti-anxiety med and tried to relax. But really the thoughts going through my head were pretty close to "call your psychiatrist now" kind of thoughts.
I promised myself Id be proactive, i'd call my lawyer today on the disability situation. Id call legal aide and see if they can help with my housing situation, I just had this long list of things I could start doing on my own to protect what I have. All I recieved were answering machines, wait lines of 45 mins only to be disconnected, another wait of 5 mins and a disconnect before my bank called to tell me my account is seriously overdrafted and needs to be closed. I nearly fell over when I asked by how much. They said they've been sending me notices. I actually called my local post office because I havent gotten mail in over a month, other than junk mail.
So, instead of progress, i went 10 more steps backward. I continue to face eviction, car repossession, the loss of my only bank account to pay bills, the loss of my electric, phone... everything. I even have an emergency assistance application with DSS and they have not gotten back to me either.
The fight is just making me worse. The worse the depression gets, the worse my lungs and heart are becomming, and this scares me. I left a message for my case worker and she hasnt gotten back to me either.
I wonder if this is what life is just going to keep being like. I keep fighting and stressing myself out and getting sicker and I keep losing. It doesnt much matter to anyone else if i keep my car or have a phone.
I really dont know if this is my frustration talking, if this is what others go through as well, or what... i generally do not advocate for myself because PTSD issues make it difficult for me to have any kind of confrontration or make requestions, so this has been me jumping some huge hurdles - so far for nothing.