Fighting against everything and every... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Fighting against everything and everyone at once

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Sometimes it feels like I am doing all of the hard work and I'm still drowning. And the things that I am doing are the most anxiety and stress inducing parts of my life, thus far.

I applied for disability 2 years ago (physical and mental), and am still in the appeals process. This means I have 0 income. I call my lawyer all the time for updates and we have nothing.

Ive exhausted my resources, my family no longer can help me, my ex husband is about to evict me from the marital home in which i live, my car is about to be repossessed, and the utility shut offs - ugh.

I had a small breakdown in April due to the stress and was hospitalized 10 days. This made things worse, when i was released, i found court summons from my ex husband, overdue utility bill notices, just more stress. These past few months have been like walking on a tight rope.

I was with a man long distance whom i adored and he had come to visit and swore he was in it for the long haul and was learning about my issues and how he could be a partner and support for me; then he began to ignore me in increasing increments and seemingly waited for an excuse, then abruptly left me. That made things 1000x worse. Despite my previous marriage, this guy, he was really the first love i ever had, i could feel the difference. It was just another huge blow.

I have someone now and he's great, but I will not let him get close to me because I will not risk going through anymore heartache until im in a better place, so it's hard to accept support from him.

I have a case worker through a mental health organization to help me, but i dont want to be totally dependent, yet Im agoraphobic so there's a certain degree of what i'm currently capable of and what I can accomplish on my own.

While watching a movie with my sig. other last night I abrubtly went into panic attack mode, realizing the severity of all thats going on. After hiding a crying for a short bit, i took an anti-anxiety med and tried to relax. But really the thoughts going through my head were pretty close to "call your psychiatrist now" kind of thoughts.

I promised myself Id be proactive, i'd call my lawyer today on the disability situation. Id call legal aide and see if they can help with my housing situation, I just had this long list of things I could start doing on my own to protect what I have. All I recieved were answering machines, wait lines of 45 mins only to be disconnected, another wait of 5 mins and a disconnect before my bank called to tell me my account is seriously overdrafted and needs to be closed. I nearly fell over when I asked by how much. They said they've been sending me notices. I actually called my local post office because I havent gotten mail in over a month, other than junk mail.

So, instead of progress, i went 10 more steps backward. I continue to face eviction, car repossession, the loss of my only bank account to pay bills, the loss of my electric, phone... everything. I even have an emergency assistance application with DSS and they have not gotten back to me either.

The fight is just making me worse. The worse the depression gets, the worse my lungs and heart are becomming, and this scares me. I left a message for my case worker and she hasnt gotten back to me either.

I wonder if this is what life is just going to keep being like. I keep fighting and stressing myself out and getting sicker and I keep losing. It doesnt much matter to anyone else if i keep my car or have a phone.

I really dont know if this is my frustration talking, if this is what others go through as well, or what... i generally do not advocate for myself because PTSD issues make it difficult for me to have any kind of confrontration or make requestions, so this has been me jumping some huge hurdles - so far for nothing.

11 Replies
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hi im really sorry to read your story that really is a lot to have on your mind.does your ex know of all your other problems that your suffering.have you been to the citizens advice as they are really good at taking a lot of your problems on .if your ex has any heart he would let you stay if he knew how bad things are.the council should be helping you but they wont until you are on the street.i know your home is your home but its just bricks and mortar and in time you will have another car.it might be better to write this period of life off and start again.this will make you stronger for it I really hope it does.wish I could offer more help.sounds like you found the right guy for love and support so that helps in some way.

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in reply to kenster1

My ex left me when I became ill. He said it wasnt fair to him to have a sick wife so young. So nil in the heart department. My 20 year old i havent seen in 2 years stopped by today and told me dad kicked her out, she's autistic, with borderline personality disorder, and transgender, and she's living with friends in one of the worst areas of town. 😔

I am on my third process waiting to see the administrative judge for my SSDI. I was told by my attorney if it got so bad that I could not afford to pay my bills, evection notice, bankruptcy, and utilities being shut off that she could write the social security administration to get a hearing date moved up. Not sure where your at in the process as you state you been waiting two years but I would definitely question your attorney.

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in reply to cheralike66

I have already seen the ALJ who denied me. In his denial he essentially agreed I have medical impairments and my work environment should be under a number of restrictions, but he misquoted my psychiatrist's notes repetitively; i.e. "she is doing much better," from a note stating "she is doing much better on this medication, but the side effects are unbearable." The PTSD/Depression/Agoraphobia is as much an issue as the physical. So I have been at the last appeal stage, my application is in Virginia for the SS Council to review, with additional information from my psychiatrist, and it's been there 11 months. We filed for an expedited decision about 4 months ago, with proof of my financial issues, but nothing has changed. Why would it? Its my money I'm waiting on, my problems, not theirs 😔

cheralike66
cheralike66
in reply to Hidden

I’m in the state of TX I have heard from several people it’s hard to get your SSDI for mental disorders. I guess that goes for other states as well. My atty makes me feel optimistic that I have a good judge when you go through the process you’re most likely to get your benefits. After reading your story I speculate. With mental illness there are no x-rays or MRI‘s that can see inside ones head. Our system is so broken. You have had the courage to stick with it and wait it out. I 🙏🏼 for you!

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in reply to cheralike66

My primary diagnosis for the application is a terminal lung illness and heart complications. The judge admits this is an issue but believes im capable of working a job as long as there are no gasses, fumes, toxins, other pollutants, etc... stationary position with the ability to sit... absurd really. Because then you add agoraphobia, PTSD, and depression and its like they are out to hoard the money I earned by working, now I suffer more. It shouldnt be legal to do this to people.

cheralike66
cheralike66
in reply to Hidden

That is absurd I cannot believe with the illnesses that you have and they denied you at the third level 🤬that Judge is a f’en prick. I know you mentioned psychiatrist what about other doctors statements, letters or chart notes that are treating you for your illness of your lungs a cardiologist for your heart complications? I’m flabbergasted. You state it’s been two years, Did you originally start the SSDI process on your own or have you always had an attorney from the get go? Did you stop working because of your illnesses?KaleidoscopePicture posting has given you some good advice seeking out a church organization.

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in reply to cheralike66

I had a lawyer from the getgo and we sent in records from pulmonology, cardiology, pain management, psychiatry (even back when i was 16 and hospitalized), infectious disease, endocrine, you name it. When I googled my judge's name I found out he has the worst approval rating in the state. Its unbelievable.

We had 2 churches close for financial reasons over the past year. One left offers a food pantry which gives 1 bag every other week, helps, but they give a lot of pastas and breads which are horrible for my diabetes. Still i accept it without complaint. (Better unhealthy than nothing at all!) We have another organization which helps in other areas, but domestic violence shelters, orders of protection, weatherization for homes and such.

I did hear back from a lawyer today willing to hear my housing case and we'll be having a phone meeting Monday. To me this is a huge step in the right direction, finally!

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in reply to cheralike66

disabilityjudges.com/state/... you might find this helpful!

I am so sorry. I wish I could make all your problems go away. Have you considered asking a church for help? Many churches have what they call an Oblation Fund which is used for people who are in financial difficulty. When my ex-husband stopped paying the child support and I could not pay our bills, our church helped us. Not only that, but they provided Christmas for my kids, school supplies, free babysitting so I could go back to school, a Thanksgiving feast for our little family, gift cards to grocery stores and to Wal-Mart. They really made a difference. Many churches also have food pantries, so that could help ease paying for groceries. Some churches partner with organizations that help with transportation. One such ministry is Cars for Christ, where people can donate their cars for people who do not have them. If your car gets repossessed, you might be able to get a car through an organization like that. You can google and see what types of organizations do such a thing. Have you thought about possibly getting some kind of online job, where you do not have to leave your home? These are just some avenues to explore.

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Yes, Ive tried finding a job online as Im certified in web design, development, and graphic arts, but the home based market is very competitive. Also i have to be careful not to have over the min income that denies disability as my case will be thrown out.

As described above in another reply, we had 2 churches close for financial reasons (this is a very small and rural area), the other has a biweekly 1 bag food pantry. Luckily I had worked last with a human services organization so I know of some programs available, its half the problem. I know I should be eligible, but getting a callback or approval seems to be the hurdle.

Thank you so much for the suggestions

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