Insomnia : it feels like torture. i... - Anxiety and Depre...

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it feels like torture. i feel extremely anxious, uneasy, and like i need to pace around the room, yet i also feel very exhausted and like i could fall asleep at any moment. i lay and lay and just can’t seem to get any rest. my mind has been replaying all the things i’m guilty for. it’s killing me. i have to work tomorrow and i don’t know if i should take off or not. i just hate this. these recurring thoughts of my mistakes keep replaying in my head, i am so ashamed of myself. i keep apologizing to God, but i just can’t forgive myself. i don’t want to live, and i feel trapped in my own mind. i can’t escape. that sounds like the typical thing i always hear people say, but i never really related that much. but now, i completely understand. i can’t do this anymore, this is just pure torture. some people just aren’t meant for life. i am so sorry to God. i am weak, i am a disappointment. i don’t know if i will be able make it by the time school starts. this is just pure torture; the hatred i have for myself is too overwhelming. i wish i never existed. i want help, i know i do, but i can’t! people suggest that i need to talk to a therapist or have medication, but i have both of those. i can’t tell my therapist anything because i’ll just get sent to a psychiatric center. i can’t do this anymore, i can’t stand myself. i want someone there for me. nobody is. i’m so sorry. i don’t know what is so wrong with me. i am just so alone and i don’t even know what to do about it. i am 15 years old and that sounds like a very young number. but i’m completely fine with that being the oldest i’ll ever end up being. i’m a complete waste on this earth. all i do is create stress for others and make my parents spend money on me. i write these thoughts all the time on this app, i’m sorry. but this is the only place where i can express my feelings. i sound completely pathetic right now; i’m so, so sorry. i don’t know what else to say. this is just what’s going on in my mind right now. it is currently 5:30 am. i’ve just given up on sleeping; i’m giving up on myself completely.

5 Replies

Oh my dear one. I know you are precious to God. Forgive me for playing this role of Sunday School teacher, but you are LOVED. Yeah, you are L O V E D.

Please believe that. I am sorry I do not know what else to do or say right now. I hope you have a better day today!

Hey it's ok..I am here for you..others are here for you are not are not a are so precious!..god made you perfect..god is with you..alot of us are going through what you are going through..we are in this are young, beautiful,special, you are a star..believe are nothing what you say..your not ok..we are here for you..

Sad angel, my heart goes out to you sweetie. You are feeling things that many of us on the site have felt. I am going to talk to you like I speak to my 17 year old with mental illness. The professionals are here to help you. If you are in this much distress, you need help. Perhaps the hospital is the best place for you. You won't have the responsibilities of daily life to worry about. You can focus on yourself and get your medications worked out. You must be honest with your doctor. You can't get better any other way. Feel free to chat later if you need to. I will be available in the afternoon. Sending you a big, squishy mom hug.

I understand this battle of the mind and the onslaught of guilt, shame, and defeat. Thankfully, I am now on the other side, but I completely feel for you.

Yes I did medication, yes I sought counsel and I agree with those things. But complete freedom for me was understanding my identity in this world. That I was created for a purpose and wonderfully made. So are you. There are only the things on this earth that YOU can do and only YOU can impact the way you are created for.

What are your interests or gifts? How can you press into those instead of the harsh thoughts? I am trying to learn to paint and I like to sing and write.

You mention you feel so guilty and take it to God. Guilt once taken to God like you said you did, is done away with, He does not look at you through flaws but with a deep love.

Any battle of thoughts after taking it to Jesus, that is a battle of mind and a lie that is plaguing you and I am so sorry you have been walking in this. It is a very horrid cycle.

Tell yourself that you forgive yourself for what you have guilt over. Every time a thought pops up, I already forgave myself for that. God already forgave me for that. It may take a long time, but it does work!

Sometimes medication and therapies need to be adjusted, so please keep talking to the people in your life. Please don't let fear of a psychiatric hospital keep you from admitting you are struggling. Let those that love you help you as they can. You are not a burden, you are loved and I know they want you well.

Also for me when battling insomnia; white noise app on my phone helps a good natural sleep aid, meditation and worship music helps me get my mind to slow for rest at night. Breathing in the nose slowly for ten seconds, hold five seconds, and blow slowly out of the mouth helps me calm as well.

If you have tried such things, Please don't give up on doctors, as there may be more going on physically that you are not aware of.

I pray for a peace of mind and a new revelation of who you were created to be!

Depressed, hurting and broken is not your best life. It is your now, but it can be won!!

Sad angel,

The insomnia and the feeling of pacing and racing thoughts can be negative side effects of many psych meds. Maybe you need to switch to another drug that works better for you. I seriously doubt that a therapist is going to send you to a psychiatric hospital. But even if they did, as someone else said, maybe that wouldn't be the worst thing. There are many famous, successful people who have spent time in hospitals for mental illness when they were younger. You shouldn't feel bad when thinking about that possibility. We all need help at some time in our life and this is your time. God loves you. Once you've asked for forgiveness it's gone. Don't give up on life no matter what your mind is telling you right now. Keep trying, hang in there. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

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