I Hate Birthdays. I Can't Keep Doing This Any Longer.

[farm81stripes]

Tomorrow's my birthday. It's usually one of the worst days of the year for me, along with New Year's Eve. It's just a sad reminder of all the promises I didn't keep to myself. I'm about to be 36 and I haven't been happy since I was 13. God, that's longer than 2 decades. That was the last time I remember having hope for my future. I still remember watching the show ER and thinking, "Wow, I can be a doctor if I wanted too." But my social anxiety got worse in high school. I got addicted to drugs in college and wasted my twenties high. I'm 36 and never before been in a relationship. I'm no closer to achieving that goal. I tried moving to a different city to start over. But I've learned the hard way that you can't just run away from your problems. Now it feels like I'm fighting Time. I've suffered enough in the last 20 years to last me a 100 lifetimes. I've got the white hairs to prove it. Every day I don't get better is a step backwards. I can't keep doing this anymore. I'm just too tired to fight this any longer.

[Orangeblossom85]

It feels to me that you’re gonna have best birthday ever! Do you know that there is plenty of us that struggle the same way? Ooh! I hate my birthday and I hate the New Years. I always hide so deep and turn off my cell. I hate receiving wishes, as they get me scared, and I also feel like I do not deserve!

Moreover - there is no bigger pain when people you really care about forget.

I’m sending you hugs!

You are going to have wonderful 36th birthday! And you’re gonna end those two decades of sorrow!

:-))

[Rilo7268]

i think birthdays come with a lot of expectations, even for people who arent struggling. i hope you can find some peace.

[thatjuanguy]

You’ve learned not to run that’s step one now you just gotta start working on things. I too have dead dreams of being a doctor different reasons but just because that’s gone doesn’t mean you can’t find happy. Everyday is gonna be a battle but you can win if you try.

[AZ1970]

Happy Birthday. Mine was last Tuesday. I felt suicidal by the end of the day. I hate birthdays too. BUT I got through it. Today is my brothers birthday. My grandma and dad passed away on this same date. Grandma 13 years ago and my dad 8 years ago. I was really worried yesterday, dreading today. I made up my mind to keep myself busy. And it has worked. I had to take a benzodiazepine this evening. But I’m ok. I hope you can find some hope in tomorrow. Little surprises you didn’t expect.

[Lymeforyears]

Happy Birthday farm81 (even though your not too happy about it). 💛 I get what your going through. I was very smart in college with A's and B's. Unfortunately my anxiety cost me what could have been a very successful life . I "wasted" more than just my twenties as I medicated my social anxiety with alcohol. You know I use that word wasted years a lot but we can't really do that to ourselves. Everything we went through made us who we are today and while u may not be where u want to be you probably understand things people go through so much more than others . I know. I know. Not so great but we just have to have say so what and move on. I mean I have to say this every single day and some times it works and sometimes doesn't but concentrate on your successes and forget the failures. When u dwell on what was lost (and believe me I do) you can get into a vicious circle of negativity so we have to try to change channels to any thoughts of positivity we can muster and just take one moment at a time . When I was in my teens I moved to another state and brought my problems with me. It sure sounded good at the time but didn't work out how i wanted. Don't consider time. Try to just take one moment at a time and celebrate even the littlest successes like having a good minute. Besides the group here have u physically went to any anxiety groups? I know the best freind I ever made came through going to a group. I was scared out if my mind to go but it was way better than i ever imagined. I mean some groups I went to didnt work for me but you could pick and choose what works for u. So y have dogs? Cats? Like to exercise? Like music? Cooking? Nutrition? Tv shows? What's one thing that makes u smile?

[mitch404]

Birthdays can be whatever you’d like, but the truth is every single day we have offers us the opportunity to start fresh. Perhaps the greatest wish I can offer you is that you will be kind and gentle to yourself. On your birthday. And every day.