I can't handle this

[Gandolfication]

I don't feel like I can do this any more.My family's falling apart. My daughter's lying to me. Everyone's hurting.

I can't seem to earn money.

I just want out. The courage to end this unceasing misery.

I'm tired of hurting all the time.

[gajh]

I am glad that you are here posting. I am sorry that you are hurting so much. What happened with your daughter? Is that what is making everything worse?

[LoveforAll41]

I am so sorry Gandolfication. I know that I get in ruts and nothing seems worthwhile and everything is hopeless. Have you called the suicide hotline lately? Can you rearrange the furniture in your home or go for a cold plunge or chop wood or hit something with a sledge hammer? I am so sorry you are suffering. I wish you hope, peace, and strength. I know that your family is important to you. I don't like the pressure of feeling like I have to stay alive for my family when I am suicidal, but I do want a legacy of showing my kids that you reach out for help as often as you need to and you keep trying. Staying alive another day sometimes is a great victory. I know words are not enough, but you are enough now and always. ☮️

[Ellamaye in reply to LoveforAll41]

Your reply gave me strength so I hope it can for gandolfication

[Gandolfication]

Thanks.I have a therapist appointment scheduled for Wednesday but I'm planning to cancel it so that I can instead drive down to be with the woman I am seeing.

I will probably call the 988 line again when I need to. Sometimes it is helpful.

I love my daughter. All my kids.

I know what you're saying is true. On the one hand, things do ebb and flow and change.

I feel like life has gotten just progressively harder. Both external circumstances hand internally. I just feel short circuited right now. I can't seem to make anything turn out right or well. I don't feel like I have the tolerance left for the level of further stress and anxiety. That seems inevitable.

I have never been able to go though with suicide though, and don't suppose I will this week, as badly as I want to.

So I will probably languish and continue to suffer, pointlessly.

[gajh]

Can't you have your therapy appointment and see the woman you are seeing? Does it have to be one or the other?

[Gandolfication in reply to gajh]

Not this time.The appointment was at 3:00 p.m. on a Wednesday and I'm not staying up here in Dayton that long. We hardly get any time to see each other.

Candidly, I have not been getting very much from this therapy provider. She's nice. I've worked with her before. Mainly because her office accepts Medicaid so it does not cost me anything. For which I'm very grateful.

I just don't think I'm helping myself with it very much right now.

[gajh in reply to Gandolfication]

Then I definitely encourage you to cancel and go see the woman you are seeing. Make that time with her special. Do something good for yourself. Enjoy yourself.

[Gandolfication in reply to gajh]

Thank you.I appreciate it.

Thanks for your support.

I know I'm complaining a lot right now.

I'm not always like this.

It means a lot.

[Wakeboarder24]

There will be better days.

[designguy]

Sorry to hear that things haven't improved much for you, I think going to see your girlfriend and taking care of your own needs could be good for you, hope you enjoy it.

When you get back, I still suggest you take some time to see what kind of help and support you can get to reduce some of the stressors in your life.

[Gandolfication in reply to designguy]

Yah, I know I need to do this. I just haven't found any easy answers, or perhaps answers at all. I've racked my brain, and (to my credit), have availed myself of a lot of resources when I've needed them, these past many years.

This morning though, I'm grateful. I've done a few things well; solved some problems last night and this morning that seemed intractable. And I am reminded of some truths I've learned, but have trouble holding on to, and forget.

Things do change. There are good times and feelings, even if it seems at times for long strethces, there aren't. Very surprisingly, this morning, I feel a calm I haven't for some time. I have been meditating the past 5-6 days.

Life seems exquisitely fragile and I don't know where hope comes from. But however surprisingly, just now, I am grateful for it, and for everyone here.

[MaggieSylvie in reply to Gandolfication]

This all sounds much more uplifting. Go, and enjoy your time with your girlfriend.

[designguy in reply to Gandolfication]

Gratitude is a good place to start and it also feels good too. When I started to recover I would relish the times I felt at peace and remind myself that it was possible and try to remind myself of those times when I was feeling overwhelmed. And meditating definitely helped me too, as I started to recover I would sit and meditate and know and feel that I was ok at that moment and it felt good. Remind yourself that you can comeback to your center when you sit and meditate.

[marsbarr]

We need you

[Phoenixinme]

I have been there. Came extremely close to ending my pain. But I realized that it would hurt the people that I love badly. It’s a year later now and I’m grateful that I’m still here, and need to keep going for others, and me. I’m still struggling and the world is not holding its punches. But it is worth the struggle and I will not be defeated. Because there is beauty and kind people and love too.

[Gandolfication in reply to Phoenixinme]

I like how you said this, and identify a lot with it. I'm glad you're here. And at least for now, am glad I am too. Thank you for posting here today.

[Gandolfication]

Thank you Vixen50, and you as well.

Yah, I can relate to those and what you're describing. I came here, finding this site a few months ago, after the depressionforum website I'd participated in for about 15 years sadly closed. I'm happy to say that this one is every bit as good. You'll find understanding, compassion and support here. Welcome. We're glad you're here.

[Gandolfication]

Yes. I know this to be true. In my younger life, I was so fortified both with hope from a magical religious worldview, with a lot of positive thinking and personal growth material, with friends, and with a pattern of success; as we no experience to doubt it. I have moved forward, though have never fully gotten over losing it.

All of us have to deal with growing up, and facing new adversity, etc. I know no one has an easy road.

This is the tough thing.Depression can make you think and feel and sure that you can't access hope, and that the despair and anxiety and other pain-laden emotions are all that you have. It feels empty and it feels like forever.

I have struggled to practice good habits of thought and behavior consistently in many ways.

I know I'm not alone.

But it is within. That's the peril and promise.

I am reaching down and trying and doing what I can. 1 often daunting moment at a time.

[Gandolfication]

I wholeheartedly I agree with you on this.

I've struggled with self acceptance, etc. so much. Maybe because of the extremely strong teachings and immersion of all my early life against it in the brand of Christianity and family I was born into.

Whatever the reasons, I have always maintained a belief down deep somewhere, however dormant or submerged at times, that I do hold the power to accept, and keep on keeping on. Like Dorothy always having the power inside or something like that. It is both maddening to believe this and still struggle so much most of the time; but also holds all the hope within it and within myself.

I don't know if this makes sense. But thank you.

[Gandolfication]

TakeTen,

That's poignant, and maybe a little comical the way you described it, and I can relate. But wow there's a lot of good in what you're saying. Going through the odyssey of the mental health industry is not fun, and I guess I try to remind myself that it is better today than 50 years or 100 years ago 🙄. Don't miss the good of a psychiatrist talking to you in the first place, let alone being what sounds like proactive and at least caring and sounds like pushing you a little. I often covet this. I can't stand how passive, and apathetic I have found a lot of providers. I feel like I'm always the one pushing the envelope, asking about things, asking for homework, something new or different that maybe I haven't tried, or just being aware of what I am or am not doing, etc. I know they're overwhelmed too, and don't have the answers, but I want to imagine they have something to help me with.

Anyway, I hope this doesn't sound lectury at all. The way you're feeling about that experience is completely valid.

[Gandolfication]

I'm catching up this morning after the holiday. it was good to see family, even if life kind of at best, seems bittersweet these days, and then returns the strong feelings of anxiety, sadness, hopelessness and despair. I spent much of the break including the last couple days writing and filing and appeal for a client.

I feel so behind and overwhelmed in work, finances, and with some important things like my oldest daughter's (15) depression and inability to get to school these days. One of the things about depression, is how it just comes back. The thoughts. The feelings. And, the behaviors.

I'm trying to exercise all the choices I have.

At best, it is up and down right now. I feel like I'm treading water and fighting a very strong current, without a life jacket. Like it's going to get me eventually, and I want to succumb to it. I'm facing meetings today with an extremely difficult client preparing him and his witness for a trial. It's Quixotic, and I just have to try to regulate and get through it, knowing he's probably going to do and say a lot of stupid and even self sabotaging things, and that yes, we might lose, and that's okay, life goes on. It goes against how I'm wired and conditioned. Last time, I was facing this same trial, I basically broke down, and filed a motion to continue, citing a medical emergency - which was true. Its one pretty good indication, I should consider once again, leaving this profession or at least this private practice litigation setting. But it's how we survive, and while I have done other things (sales/consulting), I came to loathe that too and not be able to keep jobs, and just have never found any easy or neat answer. And so the thoughts of suicide come back and swirl. I know pretty well they're "just" thoughts and feelings. But it's already hard enough for me to stay focused, with energy, be productive, and get done the difficult, thought-intensive work I need to that requires so much energy. god, I want to close my eyes and fall asleep - which I often have, in my office at my chair, or my couch.

I'm trying to practice self compassion. I'm just tired again, of seemingly everything.

[Gandolfication]

I'm glad to hear you say this, because I feel like I've been working on this for years and it is just subtle and elusive.

It often does not seem worth it or doable it like it works.

I don't really have a better solution (and I'm not actually questioning the efficacy or evidence, as I know the research and data has come a long way in the last 25 years).

I just wish it wasn't so hard.