I'm at the tale end of my struggles with mental illness. I've seen the light at the end of the tunnel for a few months now. I've even had days where I felt like myself, which have been incredible. Emotion returns to me on those days, I'm able to feel happiness and sadness to their fullest, and I get so excited about my future.
Every single one of those days, I'll wander into these moments of realization that hit me like a ton of bricks - I haven't been "here", I haven't been "me", for 2 years. I look back on that time and see nothing, it's a giant gap of empty space on the timeline of my life. And I cry. The anguish weighs so heavily on my shoulders. It's hard to describe, really. I've never felt anything like it. Like I'm frantically looking for a piece of my soul that isn't there anymore.
The thing is, I have so many other powerful sad emotions that weigh on me during those moments. So much regret and shame and guilt. But they don't compare.
And I would have never expected that. My younger self wouldn't be able to comprehend it.
I just realized this is all stuff you're supposed to tell your therapist, not the internet.. I feel like sharing it here still. I'm curious to know if anyone else has felt this way. And I don't mind being so personal because it's anonymous!