The Heaviest Emotional Weight Was Something I Never Expected

[mirai]

I'm at the tale end of my struggles with mental illness. I've seen the light at the end of the tunnel for a few months now. I've even had days where I felt like myself, which have been incredible. Emotion returns to me on those days, I'm able to feel happiness and sadness to their fullest, and I get so excited about my future.

Every single one of those days, I'll wander into these moments of realization that hit me like a ton of bricks - I haven't been "here", I haven't been "me", for 2 years. I look back on that time and see nothing, it's a giant gap of empty space on the timeline of my life. And I cry. The anguish weighs so heavily on my shoulders. It's hard to describe, really. I've never felt anything like it. Like I'm frantically looking for a piece of my soul that isn't there anymore.

The thing is, I have so many other powerful sad emotions that weigh on me during those moments. So much regret and shame and guilt. But they don't compare.

And I would have never expected that. My younger self wouldn't be able to comprehend it.

I just realized this is all stuff you're supposed to tell your therapist, not the internet.. I feel like sharing it here still. I'm curious to know if anyone else has felt this way. And I don't mind being so personal because it's anonymous!

[Hidden]

This is such a beautiful post. I have tears in my eyes. How powerful your words are.

I, too, have felt those exact same emotions the last few days. I don’t know if it means I’m getting well, or I’m just having fleeting moments of the person I used to be.

I plan to talk about this with my therapist tomorrow.

I hope you continue to feel this way. It sounds like you’re on the right path. I aspire to follow.

<3

[mirai in reply to Hidden]

I'm really glad you could connect with it. It's amazing how we can still reach each other through the barriers of the internet and the distance between us.

I'm not sure if the emotions mean you're getting well or not, but I will say this - I've never once felt that those moments were bad, that I wanted to run away from those feelings. I think they're extremely healthy, and I sort of relish in them in a way. It might just be because I haven't felt any emotions, good or bad, for such a long time. I like to think that it's all part of the healing though.

I'll be talking about it with my therapist on Thursday

Thank you. Best of luck to you as well. If you ever feel like you're failing or stuck or down, we're always here. I have a lot of failure's ahead of me still. You'll never be alone.

[mdowning81]

I can relate. Everyone says to stop looking into the past but it's so hard not to and everytime I do it seems like there are just months of nothingness and things I have missed.

[mirai in reply to mdowning81]

Ah exactly. It's a lot, for sure.

[bridder01]

I have days like that every week mirai. So much that could've been done, or experienced, or enjoyed.....gone. But, you can't change what has come before. You can only change what lies ahead. The future can be as bright as you want it to be! Let the regret and the anguish go. Time to turn your eyes to the future! Pack as much of life as you can into every day and you'll make up for lost time in a hurry! Stay positive, and know that you're not alone in this fight! We're all here with you!

A friend,

Brian

[Hidden in reply to bridder01]

Such a positive post X

[Hidden]

Stop being a traveler and start living. Breath. Have you forgotten what’s it’s like to breath?

[techguy]

I had issues just like you. I found acupuncture and it changed my life.

I also changed to a really healthy diet and more exercise. There is an end to the crap they call depression,you just have to do whatever you can and you will come out.

[maaslider]

Hi Mirai !

I’m in a similar situation to yours I think. But I have wasted nearly 10 years full of life mostly in bed- anxiety, depression, lost All interest in all the things I used to love to do. Lost my job and my identity- the “old me” who could do and did accomplish everything I wanted to and a lot was in the Army. As a female 5’1 90 lbs nobody expected much at first from me. But I had been running 10 miles a day for years,1000 sit-ups a day and a few hundred pushups a day for years so I was set when I joined and wasn’t the weakest link by far.

But now I have spent the last year,year and half- trying so many therapies- I’ve been crawling,climbing,clawing,grasping at tiny branches because I can see “old me” who never felt out of place,knew I belonged and excelled at things,did things that grown men quit and rang the bell,walking past5’1, 90lb me to quit. It never crossed my mind if I could do whatever I wanted to do, and I never failed,even with my size.

I’ve done sooo much to get back to “old me” and I’m very close. I focus on that. I can’t do anything to fix that gap, guilt won’t help it and it’s just a gap that I managed with difficulty to cross and I can only celebrate that. The what I could have done or didn’t step up to do,that guilt will start to weigh me down and I can’t fix it or change it, it’s been hard because I don’t let myself off the hook for anything. This time I can’t look back on what I missed and just try to make up for it in the future. I won’t let anything cause me to slide an inch backwards to that place- physically,emotionally,guilt complex. I’m going to win and “old me “ is already enjoying so many adventures, with more to come. I normally dwell and don’t let things go,but this time- I decide! No what ifs, I wonder,looking back or guilt trips! I hope you can give yourself the break it deserves, concentrate on these newly found positive feelings and emotions and build on that. That past isn’t worth the time,losing ground. Just focus on the magical future and what exciting things it can hold! M