50 years searching for appropriate care . . .

[old-soul]

youtube.com/watch?v=3WMuzhQ...(Not working as expected?)

The above 14 minute and 47 second video outlines why I STILL, to this day, have NEVER received appropriate care. I am still asking for help. I have given up more times than I care to count, because searching and researching and knocking on doors and making phone calls 8 hours a day for months leaves a person exhausted and used up, depressed and borderline suicidal for long periods, especially when they are already isolated by continued abuse every time they try to seek help in their community.

I have given up thousands of times, but had I ever completely quit. If I had, I would have committed suicide, and I assure you, like most men, I WOULD succeed on my first attempt. I have done plenty of research on the subject and know of no less than 3 different ways I would choose, and a gun would NEVER be a part of the plan. The ways I know all about are far less painful, and don't leave a bloody mess or other really awful scene. My corpse would look like I had simply fallen asleep and never woke up.

I will not share those methods here, but it is easy enough for anyone that can find Health Unlocked to learn about using the same computer we use to come here, and there ARE no age restrictions at those other places.

Knowing these methods myself, has actually comforted me, because at least I know that no matter what, there ARE at least three ways out if the suffering becomes so intense I just can't go on. So NO, I do NOT support closing sites that tell people the methods they can use to commit suicide and even the percentages of successes among men vs woman, the length of time it takes, how much suffering is involved with each method, and what the person's body will look like when it is found. Honestly, actually KNOWING these facts has actually PREVENTED me from killing myself, believe it or not, because it is the one thing no-one but no-one can take away from me. This is NOT an opinion, it is my experience, and I was there, so yeah, what I am saying here is FACT, not opinion.

The woman in this video is a very pretty young lady, but I have seen plenty of pretty ladies of all ages who became very ugly the moment they began speaking, and by this particular lady's own account, she too fit that description, until something happened.

Her heart became (more) beautiful via a very difficult process she put herself through, because she was able to discard some hateful stuff that had been seriously darkening her heart, and she did so through self-honesty and self appraisal. She is an amazing example of strength, and believe me, her gender has nothing to do with it. It is every bit as hard for a man that has been dead wrong about something that has hurt others to face that truth about themselves too.

But it still bothers me that - when I have talked about the very things she says, it has caused me to be shunned, abused verbally and emotionally, demonized, and further isolated - not by EVERYONE, but by a large enough majority. So much so that it has often seemed best to just NOT talk about the abuse I have endured, EVER, and to continue to suffer in absolute silence with ZERO support from the professional community, or in deed, the community at large.

It seems the system is rigged so that the the only person that CAN fend for a man who has been abused, (apparent by my own experience), is a woman, which is grossly emasculating and furthers a man's ability to recover from shame-based issues brought about by horrific abuse that stared at age 4 and continues, in my case, into my 50th year of life. How is having to have a woman speak for a man supposed to empower him? Only allowing a man to speak for a woman who has been victimized doesn't work either, so . . . WTF?

I thank God that Cassie Jaye is so strong she can get up and publicly lecture about how feminist rhetoric caused her HERSELF to be part of the problem, and how she learned that men are every bit as likely to suffer abuse as women, yet men have nearly ZERO resources to get that much-needed care. She really hit the nail on the head with so many things that have prevented me from getting proper care it is really obvious that she did some real soul-searching. There is NO short-cut that can be taken to make THAT kind of progress in understanding that men are also human and suffer abuse every bit as frequently as woman do, and I am VERY grateful there is at least one woman standing up and speaking out about this very real problem I myself have been saddled with for half a century. So, yes, I think this young lady has attained "beautiful," which is WAY different from being just a pretty face.

So, here I am in the 50th year of my life, still asking for help, but not very often any more. I far more frequently actually pray I will eventually (hopefully soon) contract a disease that is either incurable and 100% un-treatable <OR> that is serious enough that refusing care will assure my death in a short while without too much more suffering, as I have the right to refuse care if I am conscious and cognoscente.

People at the local "help" line that DO listen can only offer some understanding, because what I say about appropriate care being completely unavailable to anyone that has only Medicaide insurance in the United States is 100% accurate, so sometimes I call just to talk for a few minutes and actually be HEARD, and to actually hear another real human voice, "real time."

There is only one such telephone help line in my area and I don't call it often. What's worse is I am also frequently told, "Well, stop thinking about it and watch TV or a movie," - "You're just ruminating," - "Is someone actually abusing you now?" (Yes, the slander and lies continue and when it turns into an argument with a "crisis worker," that really just pushes me even closer to enough self-hatred to potentially kill myself, so . . . yeah . . . I hang up and type here in isolation, as one example. Real live human interaction is rare these days, because I recently went through another huge abusive onslaught during and after my mom's death. I lost my home of over 10 years, was forced into a drug house by social services, was falsely accused there by a heroin addicted, drug dealing prostitute and livelong criminal, and left that building becoming homeless for over two years, and I am still hated because of all the slanderous lies that circulated against me.

When telephone crisis people say, "just don't think about it, watch TV or read some sci-fi book," that is a blow-off and what is being suggested is actually an unhealthy behavior called, "Avoidance," which is not a technique suggested or supported by any mental healthcare organization with any credibility, such as the American Psychiatric Association (APA). Yes, I read a ton and can even write APA formatted research papers that professionals think are great, but are also very quick to see mean nothing simply due to the fact that I have not paid a university for a piece of paper saying that they think I know what I am talking about. I'm talking about me, and I have actually been me my whole life, and I was there through everything that happened.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, and incredibly alone, and yes, along with shame, fear, sadness and hurt, I do feel a very APPROPRIATE level of anger too.

[old-soul]

I did just edit the above post, and as usual, not only did I correct some typos, but probably added some typos too, because I added to what was already there as I have a habit of doing. :/

[Stilltrying_]

Old soul, I have watched the full documentary and also have read what you have written. I am definately not as intelligent or as articulate as you are so please forgive me for that. I have replied to you before as we share some similar issues, myself being the product of a narcissist parent (mother) and our ages similar though i'm nine years older than yourself.

Your physical circumstances sound very difficult. You are also as you say rightfully angry. I have also been through your whole train of thought re. S and have reached similar conclusions, although sometimes to me it does feel very imminent, though i'm giving myself around a 3 week break to try and get more help right now.

Putting it simply (as i'm not as intellectual as you) I do think it's recognised that men are victims of these sort of abuses and that obviously it needs to be taken seriously and I can't speak for US but in UK there is a fair amount of support available. I think you are in a very elevated state of anxiety like myself and in a way obsessing over what has happened to you same as me as it is so so painful to experience and we just want all the pain we are going through to at least maybe be leading somewhere more positive.

Do you have any other family? Do you have children for example? Part of my problem is very little family, sister who doesn't really get it as she hasn't had the same experiences, my dad of 95 but no husband or children. Was wondering if you'd ever had close relationships/ children and so forth?

I don't think that women hate men actually or anything like that. And I do think there is support and recognition for male victims of abuse. We are very willing to support on here. You seem a bit "stuck" in an angry cycle. Is that because you feel you have not been listened to or understood? I think as a child of a narcissist I have a big need now to be listened to and understood completely.

Did you watch the film "The red pill" and if so what did you think of it? Gemma x

How is your home situation right now? How did you end up in the drug house? I do hope you are not self medicating as that can add to issues. Are you on any meds at all and do they help?

XXXX

[old-soul]

Not obsessing, just asking for the help I need and not getting it for years, Gemma. Yup, angry too, and rightfully so, but I did note that what was more important is that I continually feel fearful, sad, hurt, lonely, and ashamed with good cause, and the only thing causing me any anger, (not rage or whatever, just anger), is the fact that I have been trying to get help with the same problem for over 45 years, and see woman receiving care that is STILL not available to heterosexual men with no dependents living at home.

Re: family- just read previous posts I have made, and it's not hard to get the full answers to your questions about that. I have written extensively on my family situation, and father's day and my daughter's birthday two days ago are certainly a big part of what hurts right now.

[Stilltrying_]

I'm sorry I'm not functioning at full speed but I am interested in what you have to say. Is there any way you could move out of area if the atmosphere where you are is so misinformed and antagonistic towards you? I would imagine that under normal circumstances you are a very sociable person ; but it must be hard to be like that against that background of hostility.

You're an intelligent person so will probably have already worked through any options I could suggest in your own mind already. However,you obviously have a lot of skills ( writing skills for example) so maybe it's possible for you to set up somewhere new and using your skills?

I didn't take your reply as rude in any way; I'm aware that i'm not completely "up to speed" with where you're at, but I didn't want you to feel ignored or that no-one had listened. I understand completely the narcissism thing that you have been through.

Please keep writing .... and I'll peruse your other replies etc. I've just watched "the red pill" (obviously because of your post) and found it interesting viewing. There are so many different viewpoints aren't there on these things but it was a good film to watch so thanks for pointing me in that direction with your thread.

Gemma x

[old-soul]

It takes money to move, and because of my income source, it changes State by State, and to this day I have not been able to find ANY published data as to how my income would change, so it's impossible to compare that to actual cost of living in a place I can't even afford to visit first.

Re: where you're at . . . kinda taking a break . . . I find it really helpful to just make little three item lists of, "What are three basic things I need to do today just to maintain so I don't eventually feel like I've gotten way behind" (usually all of a sudden too, which is awful), and by doing that in the morning and being really gentle with myself - in other words, having realistic goals for any one given day - I often find myself making much bigger progress than I had ever anticipated. If you try that, I really hope you get the same really surprising results I sometimes get.

Sometimes, I REALLY have to slow down, and when I do, everything get's done WAY FASTER! It fels like magic when that happens.

You know, I'll move slower, but with more purpose and focus . . . even doing something like re-filling my salt shaker, and becasue I'm going really slow and not allowing myself to be rushed in ANY way, I don't spill salt, or drop the salt box and make a mess . . . then maybe decide to just give the kitchen floor a nice, slow sweep, and it somehow doesn't seem to take any longer than if I'm really being my own task-master with the "get it done, go go go get it done," sort of feeling inside . . . you know, stuff like that.

You said you were kind of feeling anxious or keyed up a bit, AND sort of taking a little mini-break sort of period, so I thought of this thing becasue it sounds like what I sometimes need to do, and maybe this approach will give you results that make you wonder and smile at how well it goes just like I sometimes find.

[Stilltrying_]

My mother, being a narcissist didn't accept anything unless it was "perfect". She used to "boast" that she said to the doctor before we were born (myself and my sister) "If there's anything wrong with it, take it away!!! ".

I was just commenting to someone else that it's a good job she never had a physically disabled child as she probably would have rejected him/her out of hand and put them in a home at any hint of anything "not perfect" . I didn't feel loved for me as a child, even though i was born "whole" both mentally and physically. By contrast I have a friend who has a severely disabled son. He is unable to self occupy and she basically needs to be there or another adult there 24/7. I have never seen a happier child is he is so obviously adored by his parents.

The point I guess i'm making is that narcissists would reject the idea that this sort of love could ever happen or exist as for them the child would be "not good enough to love" and therefore (unintitled to "love") They even make children with no disabilities feel completely dysfunctional because of their standards of 100% perfection in everything. You find yourself never feeling adequate or good enough to get even a simple job as you're just not good enough. So I've spent my life not achieving because I felt i had to be perfect in order to achieve.

Anyway just thought you might find this interesting as I think you have that "perfectionistic" tape running in your head. You probably beat yourself up mentally most of the time; I know I do. Because we expect too much of ourselves at the same time as not having been given the resources emotionally to be even fully adult, so in my case I beat myself up for not being emotionally adult enough to meet my own needs and I hate myself for who I am because I am "needy" and never allowed/able to develop healthily beyond this child state.

Sorry for waffling on. Maybe some may resonate with yourself or with someone else x

[old-soul]

Ahhh, you're good. I like waffles. One of the things that helps me most is, when I catch myself talking TO myself, ABOUT myself and really putting myself down about something, I stop and try to imagine someone I really respect being in my position rather than me in it, and think, "Would I say this junk to them if it was them that <whatever - just locked my keys in the trunk of my car, or something like that>

The answer is always a resounding "NO, I definitely would not!" Then I think, "what WOULD I say to them?" Then I try to "take my own advice, AND GRACE."