I have been suffering with anxiety, depression and ptsd for a long time now. I am a 21 year old female, who dropped out of school at 16/17, not having completed AS or A-Levels because of my mental health. Even though I went on to do a graphic design course at technical college, I spent almost 2 years of the past 4/5 essentially unable to leave my family house and with very little socialisation, because as well as the depression and anxiety i obsess over my appearance, often become delusional and have a very shakey sense of identity. I would spend my days locked in, pulling out my hair and picking at my skin, barely speaking and completely detached from everyone an everything. I have never had a proper part-time job, just a couple things here and there.
Just this past year I have been studying a foundation art course after taking another year out, however my parents have had to pay for all of my rent and expenses. Because of this year I managed to get a course place in a top art school University for next september. However, I just about managed to get through this year, still without having a job, still very much barely coping with the simplest things. I have no motivation or 'passion,' both of which are necessary to continue a career in creative industries.
I have no idea what I'm doing or want to do, and since I have been such a mess for so long a lot of people have lost hope in me, including my family. I still very much feel like a child, and the amount of shame and guilt I feel for not having my shit together as a 21 almost 22 year old is really getting to me. And the amount of money and time my family have put into my recovery with little to no improvement. I've been trying for so long now to get better and it seems like i'm only regressing. I feel like a complete embarrassment but I also wish I could just be happy with what I have and how lucky I am to have parents that can support me.
Most of my friends are finishing their respectable degrees whereas I'm just about to start mine, and one in the arts too. Im terrified of the future and I can't get myself to feel excited for starting this course because I have no idea whether I want to do it or not. I dont know how ill ever be a functioning member of society and how I'll ever become independent from my parents especially choosing this kind of career path, but without any other education qualifications a creative degree is really all i can do.
It's been so long that i've been suffering with my mental health that I can't remember who I was before, and can see no version of myself for the future, so I sit and stew most of the time. I don't know what to do anymore and I have been trying to fight off suicidal thoughts since I was 15. I want to feel like a fully formed person and be able to work and earn for myself, but my anxiety (esp social anxiety), depression and constant dissociation stops me every time. I have been on medication for 2 years (fluoxetine), tried therapy which only recently helped but then it got too expensive to continue, and now i'm offloading a lot of my problems onto people who are exhausted by me.
I would just like to ask if anyone else relates to my story, and how, if ever, you managed to gain back your sense of independence, meaning and ability after a long, difficult bought of depression along with other mental health issues.