Bouncing Today

[Olinick]

This has been the week of all weeks. Last Sunday the anxiety was really cranking up. I had to get my last ed. plan completed, do my progress reports and put the finishing touches on a show I had to have my 8th graders present on Thursday. Monday I was really becoming a wreak but mostly about the show. I am the worse one to have to put on a show - the one with social anxiety and a fear of speaking in front of a crowd. Late Monday night I got a phone call from my sister and you know it wouldn't be good - late night calls are never good. My 93 year old mother who lives near my sister in an assisted living facility, had fallen and broken her hip. They were going to assess her Tuesday to determine if she was a candidate for surgery. On Tuesday she was operated on to put a rod in her hip to hold the bones together. Tuesday night on the news the names of two people who were in a head on car accident over the weekend were released. One of the people was a former student of mine who I continue to have regular contact with him and his family. I was heartbroken. Wednesday I went to school, still teaching classes, working on last minutes changes with the 8th graders before they left for an all day field trip to a local amusement park, and still working on progress reports. It was taking every ounce of effort to hold it together. In the midst of this the principal, who seems to have targeted me, was on me about everything. As far as she was concerned I couldn't do anything right. She snapped at me in front of the kids and later that day I ended up having to have a conversation with one of them who wanted to know what she was being so mean to me. It is not a topic you want to discuss with a 12 year old. I was working so hard to hold it all together I really didn't want to get into this with him. He finally said, "She could have said it nicer than she did." Well I now know he is understanding what he has been taught in Social Thinking class. I finally got him to drop it by telling him it is the end of the school year and everyone is really stressed. Wednesday night I found out my mother must have suffered a stroke at some point in surgery and she likely will not make it through all of this. Mind you, I said my goodbyes when we moved her closer to my sister several years ago. By that point her mind was already gone, she wasn't the same person anymore and after caring for her and my father (until his death in 2010), I was totally burned out. Thursday came and the anxiety was through the roof. The principal once again chewed my out not just in front of a couple of kids but the whole school. Luckily other staff member kept coming up to me and told me I had done a great job with all the kids. The boy who talked to me the day before was sitting in the front row and was doing subtle things to get me to smile. He was such a sweetheart. Thursday afternoon the show went off smoothly and I could finally put that behind me. I wouldn't leave school Thursday afternoon until the rest of my progress reports were completed so I could put that behind me as well. I had planned to go to my student's wake but I also had to start calling my mother's friends where I live to fill them in what was going on. I didn't make it to the wake but spent most of the night on the phone. Friday I was fried. I couldn't function much but still made it through the day. Now I had to face another big stress trigger - traveling 5 hours from here. I have anxiety about traveling and haven't been more than an hour and a half from my home in over 15 years. I put in calls to my therapist and psychiatrist to ask them how to handle this. I was supposed to go to the PTO picnic but it was about an hours drive from my house and when the principal said I didn't have to go I felt relieved. Instead a friend of mine and I went out on one of our "adventures" where we just turn down some unknown road and see where it takes us. We also stopped for ice cream on top of a mountain and watched the sunset. My stress and anxiety vanished. When I got home I took some klonopin to ensure I would get a pretty good night sleep. This morning I wanted to post on here how proud I was of getting through so much this week and doing it as well as can be expected. Then before I got on here the anxiety hit. For the past hour I have had one panic attack after another, although I did what the doctor told me to do, take an extra dose of my ADD meds, that should decrease the anxiety. At least I am not having panic attacks at this point but the anxiety is still there. I need to get myself dressed an out of the house to do something rather than sitting here. I do feel I will continue to get through this but it is going to be a struggle. Sorry this is so long but it does feel good to have written it all down.