Panic is breaking my ribcage

[Against_the_current]

My organs are imploding (exploding inwards). I can't breathe. I can't walk or keep my body coordinated. I am on the edge of crying. I went to the supermarket for water and food and i was breaking on the way. I'm failing at adulting. After 20 it's only doom. I need someone to take care of me. I hate to admit it. Have we failed as a society or did i just fail as a human? I'm all alone. My "friends" are in this city and around but they don't even respond. Because of my mental illness. And im too weak and agoraphobic and all. I don't know how I will survive this night. I bought a few croissants because i still feel bad about mom's cooking and because the only close enough and still open shop doesn't have reliable stuff. I can't take care of myself, of my place, work. I'm mentally disabled (am i?) but how to explain it to my family and authorities? I can't breathe of panic. Might be some separation anxiety as well. My friend i asked to mail me the document left me on delivered. And i need to act fast. I need to either warn mom im coming tomorrow or call at the store and tell them i can't come/I'm sick/i can't walk. Which one? I don't want to call and lie (well technically it's partially true but i don't feel well doing it and spare yourself telling me i shouldn't lie ik). I will explode. I can't. I need a hug and to know what is wrong with me and what to do (that won't make it worse). If i stay counscios i will search for vitamins or something.

I'm alone, nauseous and nothing fun to watch

[CLB1125]

have you tried to talk to your mom about all this calmly when she’s sober? Are you hiding the facts that you just can’t do it? That you are mentally not able to function on your own? No screaming and yelling? If you can’t talk to her without either of you getting upset, maybe write her a letter. Give it to her or leave it on the kitchen table where she will find it when she’s in a calm state of mind. Pour your heart out to her. Tell her everything that is bottled up inside. Tell her the truth. Tell her what happens when you are at your apartment. The fears the mental anguish you are experiencing. Is it possible she just doesn’t understand the severity of your situation? You can’t go on living like this. I feel bad that I can’t offer you better advice. Here is the 🫂 hug you need.

[Against_the_current in reply to CLB1125]

Thanks. I haven't even tried to talk to her. She goes defensive, she starts with "so you're saying it's my fault, i did so much for you while i was alone and broke and blah blah blah, i have it worse and i still work because you two babies depend on me". I have tried to tell her im really not okay but her generation during the Soviet occupation can't understand it. She can't even imagine what pain I'm in. And she has her own. I have told her im not okay, she said she would give me money for a psychiatrist but i highly doubt it since she can't even pay the car's insurance. Idk where do these money go. But if she pays my insurance i can just go on my own. Therapy is what i need money for and i guess i will be paying on my own from my savings. She has told me i can rest for at least one more month and then i should go to the military and make my grandpa convince them to take me as a military psychologist (i really hate how she thinks i can make grandma, grandpa, dad or everyone else do what she wants. That's not possible) or become a therapist (im tired of trying to explain to her that i don't have a license for this)

[CLB1125 in reply to Against_the_current]

I’m sorry your mom can’t grasp the severity of your mental health. With your education what kind of phycology job are you qualified to do? Just wondering.

[Against_the_current in reply to CLB1125]

Something where im supervised/have a boss. Like schools, centres for problematic kids, trying for the military as well

[SoporRose]

AtC,

I've read through your latest responses and posts and you certainly have a lot of choices to make. I'm very curious about the Labour Department option. I don't understand it completely; did I read right that if you go there they'll support you for several months while they try to find you a job? That sounds like what you need.

Do you want to get your license or PhD so you can teach or practice? Do you know what YOU want to do? I see you writing about your family's expectations, but not about your own hopes. It does sound as if your family is trying to helping you find a path forward.

Let us know what you decide is best. I'm cheering you on from here.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

I'm breaking. I just need a safe place to heal. I need to not work rn but also not need to "distract myself from panic" aka mom drinking. I'm really breaking. I can't even breathe

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

That is a terrible, frightening feeling. Do you have any anti-anxiety medications that help?

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

I took some Clonasepam. I fear i might have to go to the psychiatrist but the change would be painful

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

Yeah: I doubt there's any way forward for you that won't involve some pain and scary passages. Change is difficult; I don't deal well with it either. But you are young enough to recover and I think you will.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

I'm scared if it gets worse

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

You're not wrong to be afraid, but perhaps keeping on as you are is more scary than doing the work to become the person you want to be. It seems to me that that is the primary choice you have to make. What do your studies in psychology tell you is the best course for you to take?

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

I forgot everything. My studies just tell me im fvcked from before im born

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

But when you remember more, you'll remember that psychology offers ways to get better, to cope, and eventually to thrive. Please don't give up!

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

It also makes me see how disfunctional my family is and feel sad about it and see other red flags and feel bad

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

Yes, that is a necessary step in healing. Then there is the even more difficult step of figuring out what you and your alone will do to change. You can’t make your health depend on family members you know will disappoint you.

In the other hand, I continue to see the way your family is helping you look at possible options (the military, the Labour department) for a career as a positive sign.

Did you ever tell us what it is YOU want to do? Do you want to work as a therapist? Would you rather be a researcher? Do you want to get licensed?