60 yr old female from NZ

[cookbrea]

I have never posted here before, but have spent the day reading other people posts, I went the doctors before chrrstmas and told them I was depressed they where not much help at all basically said that is just the way life is

i have 5 children who I now speak to but I did not raise them for one reason or another, I have done a lot wrong to a lot of people all who could seek revenge but most never did. but I cant seem to help my self I seem to have to get revenge for everything people do to me and spend a lot of time and effort doing it, I have told a lot of lies to get people on my side and have set people up

i have a dreadful childhood violent father who died a few years ago i speak to may family now to i just need help not being to horrible and vindictive and try to recall all the stuff i did to my children like drive them in my car when they where young and i was drunk, i have talked behind people back yet still dragged them into my vindictive behavior if they knew the stuff I had said about them and done behind their backs they would never help me at all,

i love gardening but have a file full of injuries i have sustained over the year i take morphine for the pain but think i need something for my mental issues which are many i am lost to my self and all i have done and all i keep doing want to learn the guitar as thought this could be therapeutic or any instrument i am sure you can teach an old dog like myself new tricks, anyone one had a similar life to me

please let me know thank yo for your time and reading all of my shame and unglory

[cookbrea]

I forgot to mention that I got on the phone and told lot of people that my daughter and her ex boy friend did unspeakable things to their children, my grandchidren I got them checked out and they where fine but told so many people now many are thinking unimaginable things about thmy daughter and her ex, their names and reputations are ruined by all I said, this is my paranoia and have often accused people of all kind of things that i later found out they did not do, but once i have done things like this i can not undo them

[Hidden in reply to cookbrea]

Hello to you in NZ i am in the UK, read your message, I would not worry about what has gone on in your past and would concentrate on your today's and what you are doing now, I would try and find another doctor and get some medication or at least a proper diagnosis of some kind this may be of great help to you and perhaps other around you to, sorry to hear about your past it sounds very sad indeed, take care your future and the future of those around you are all that matters now

[TriggerPoint]

Nobody's Perfect....But Your Willingness Of Honesty Is Fantastic !*... The Things You May Have Done "Bothers You" & THAT Is A Good Thing My Friend.... You Don't Have A Seared Conscious & THAT Too Shows You Deep Down Have A Good Heart, & Just Had Some Bad Habits... You Are On Your Way To Getting Well.... You Gotta Forgive Yourself... But Being Humble IS A Healing In & Of It's Own... But, I'd Find Some Better Docs... Their Response Was Totally Uncalled For... There Are GREAT Docs Out There That Care... Just Find Them...I Am Proud Of You & Glad You Came Aboard~*

Bless Ya~*

[cookbrea in reply to TriggerPoint]

thank you for your kind words and response, think medication can help my depression but not the other stuff, my vindictive attitude and my lies will one day get me into lots and lots of trouble, I feel it deep down and very worried that at my age now I may not be able to stop, but would really like to i just dont know how, and i am very grateful with all I have done to others that they never wanted revenge on my because there are many many people that could of, I think at times i am blinded to all I have done

[Hidden in reply to cookbrea]

Can you make amends for the stuff you have done that is making you feel bad? we can change at any age we just have to want to badly enough, think the doctors is the best place to start and like you say writing stuff down that you have done to others may help stop you from making the same mistake again and again, I would try all that I could, you can change you can do it.

[cookbrea in reply to Hidden]

Not sure how I can make amends as these people don't know exactly what I have done, and like I said even those including my children have helped me with my vendettas but they do not know all I have done behind their backs or said about them, I am constantly unkind and two faced and don't think any medication is going to cure that need to find out the reason why I am like this before no one talks to me again and somehow find out the stuff that I have said and done

[hypercat54]

Hi at least you realise this now and are taking steps to right wrongs. You don't have to lie to make people like you you know so make a decision never to do that again. If you feel yourself falling into bad habits stop and count to 10 before you say or do anything. x

[TriggerPoint]

Who ANYWHERE Can Say " They've NEVER Lied ?*... Who Can "Cast The First Stone" ?... EVERYBODY Alive Have The Woulda. Coulda, Shoulda's... You ARE NOT Alone. A Lie Is A Lie... Sometimes People Stretch A Story To Make It More Dramatic Simply Because They Are "Bored".... I've Caught Myself Doing That & Realized, "Well ? That Was Dumb & Really Not Needed To Get My Point Across." I've Even Went Back [ in some cases ] & Said, I'm Sorry I Added This or/ That . I Have Found Myself Teasing With Some People [ just being silly ] I Saw That It Really Upset or/ Made Them Angry At Others & Realized, " What & I'm Doing " ? I Didn't Mean It That Way To Stir Up This Kinda Mess ?... Now ? I Find IF I Tease Someone & Their Reaction Turns To Anger or/ Something, I Quickly Say " I'm Just Picking At Ya"... Just Teasing... Now. "The Intent Of The Heart" Is What We Must Look At... Did We Intentionally Want To Hurt & Ruin Lives ? & Why We Would Do Such A Thing ?... "That" Therein Lies The Problem... You Are Seeing A "Light" Inside... THAT Is Why You Now Noticing The Dark.... THAT Is What We All Go Through On The Road Of Changing & Healing & That Is A GOOD THING...