Why am I here???

[Bsmith413]

I've been feeling really messed up in my head lately, I don't feel like I belong and feel like i'll never be able to make it by myself or have enough money to sustain myself and just be a bum on the street no matter what I do. I lost my fiance on her birthday oct 2nd 2017 from an overdose that happened right in front of me. It was the first time i saw her in 4 months as I was in treatment due to a probation violation that april. I was supposed to get off probation in that month and the officer decided that wasnt going to happen. She searched my fiances house where I was living but wasnt where probation thought I was living and they found her gun and violated me due to that. A month or so after I got arrested I found out that she had lost her arm due to flesh eating bacteria from dirty needles. I was in total disbelief. I didnt talk to her until I was finally able to obtain a cell phone in rehab and facebooked her and she came to see me at a dr's appntment about august i'd say. Then when hurricane irma hit south florida we were able to go to our houses for safety. I messed up while I was out and missed my opportunity to go back. So I was on the run, I wanted to see her so bad but she was now living with her mother and stepfather who hated me since we were drug addicts together. So there was really no way for us to see each other as they kept a real short leash on her and told her if she saw me that she would be homeless. So when they went to the U,K, we were finally able to see each other the night before her birthday and she was due to follow them to UK the end of the week. She had never been and was really looking forward to the trip of a lifetime. So there we were face to face for the first real time in almost 4 months, her with her new disability but that didnt have a negative affect about how i felt about her i still loved her with all my heart and was ready to spend the rest of my life with her. Now at this point we have lost everything we worked hard for. condo car business everything. so we did the drugs and her last words to me were "I feel dizzy" and she passed out still breathing though, i've seen people do this before and they just wake up later and its even happened to her plenty of times and me also, so I wasnt really to concerened. so a couple hrs go by and I felt the motor home shake (thats what she was living in at the time) it was her grandparents coming to see why she wasnt answering the phone and she was still passed out but still breathing. As soon as they saw me the grandfather told me he was going to kick my ass and to get out of there immediately. I didnt want to leave but i also didnt want to fight with him so I thought she would be in good hands and left for the night. the next morning her mother txt my mother that she was gone. I have experienced allot of deaths in my life but this one hit me the hardest and its just been so hard to deal with i constantly think about killig myself and have severe anxiety and depression. most days i just lay in bed thinking . I really dont know what to do with myself anymore. Thank you for rading my story this is my first day on here and hope to meet some like people. thank you

[CazO46]

Hi, that a really tough story to read so I commend you for being brave, surviving and reaching out. I understand why you feel so low and want to give up. Perhaps there is another way to think about it. You are still here, make the most of it for both of you. Use your sadness as your motivation to live a different kind of life. I'm sure something must have led you to take drugs in the first place. Remember we do not need to be defined by our past, it can be a reference point to think about where you came from and that you can go forward onto better things. I feel sure your fiancé would not want you to remain stuck. You deserve happiness just as much as anyone no matter what has happened in the past. Take care of yourself and show yourself some love .

[Janieliza]

Gosh what a tough time you've had. I'm sorry to read about your fiancee and grief is incredibly hard to deal with. As caz has said....drugs don't define who you are, past or present or future and I know a little bit about addiction actually so I know the struggles and fears that accompany recovery. You clearly need to see a pro about this...I know I know, because you are a past user they won't entertain you....or you are met with an air of unpleasantness. It's the odd doc but not all and I feel that you are suffering with a whole syndrome of things that as much as we can all support you....you may need that extra help. You've experienced more than many and you carry the scars...scars fade, they do but you will always remember. So take a bloody deep breath(I'm British so it's stiff upper lip and all that!!) and please please tell yourself you are no bum...you are no loser and no matter how hard the fights going to be....you will come out the other end. Why? Because your you! You have already succeeded and you may not see it right now. Whether you were co dependents or not...you loved each other, and no-one...her parents, grandparents can take that away from you. It is an absolutely travesty what's happened....it's heartbreaking but I want you to please use this to move forward...moving forward doesn't seem possible right now...I know, death is a pain that can't be explained apart from its agony...it's unbearable. Only you can do this...we(along with professional help) can support you as much as possible but it's not going to be easy and trust me if I could wave a magic wand and make it go away...in a nanosecond I would. Life's not like that is it? You've experienced the harsh and cruel aspects of drug use...and recovery seems like a pipe dream because of the vicious circle. There isn't often any reason ppl take drugs....it could be an injury for opiates let's say and then the euphoria. Euphoria itself is addictive and drugs are a crutch. I know many many people who had the worst childhoods and use meds to forget....im not going to label anyone or put them into categories...I will say this tho...everyone has a beating heart and when that's broken everything seems dark....and the darkness becomes our norm. What's important here is that you find who you are now. Not then...not in the future but here and now. You have to be able to love you. And it takes time. You may have to go back to a time before you took drugs and if it hurts...think about a little box and pop that memory in there until you feel you can go there and put the box away(You can do this by thought or even on a piece of paper and indeed a little box...write it and then put it away). I found there is usually a trigger....and that initial trigger needs treating because if it isn't...the darkness comes and goes in waves yet our memories keep coming and tackling them head on isn't always an option. Baby steps....little little tiny steps forward. Because you often think about killing yourself...please go and speak to someone. Why would this world be a better place bcas you aren't here? This is where our darkness takes us and I know so much you just want off of the rollercoaster of ups and downs....please explore what's out there. Because I'm in the UK I'm not sure whats around for you. Here there are drug centres that will allow a patient to be seen by a general practitioner. Could you speak to your probation officer about how you feel and ask for guidance? Forgive my questions. If non of these are there then pls keep posting here. There are such good, kind and caring ppl who will chat to you...as many times as you need if someone's around and that includes me. Don't be alone and certainly don't feel you have to be. I've had the most amazing support here and no-one judges anyone. It's open and and honest place. Ive gone on abit now so I'll sign off....just remember this. You aren't a bum....you are you, with feelings and you've got a little lost and hopefully with time(great thing is hope) you will come thro the darkness. Take care. Janie.

[sammyc312]

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I think coming on here and posting your story is a good first step. I also just joined. I think this will be a good place to find people who may have some sort of understanding of your situation and what you are going through. I hope that you keep posting and start feeling better. There is no cure for losing someone you loved so dearly. There are no words to take the pain away. All you can do is take it one day at a time and remember that she loved you and wouldn't want you to be suffering.