New and Needed a New Outlet

[sammyc312]

So, I am new to this and not really sure what to say. I guess I will share my story.

For as long as I can remember I've never felt like I was good enough as I am. I started cutting at 12 years old. Middle school was hard and I felt I didn't fit in. I still feel like I don't fit in. When I was 18 my boyfriend of the time broke up with me and started dating another girl. He went back and forth between the two of us without ever really letting go of the other. It destroyed me. I had a lot of classes with him and couldn't handle seeing him. My mom put me in therapy. It helped. I felt better after seeing my therapist once a week. But then I got back together with that boyfriend. I stopped going to therapy because I was afraid to tell my therapist I went back to the guy who broke me. We ended up getting married. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression after my first child was born. I wasn't happy. But I didn't give the medication enough time to kick in. I left my husband for another man. This man manipulated me and emotionally abused me for 3 years. Throughout those 3 years I continued to cut. I have many large scars on my arms and legs. I even attempted suicide...a few times. In August of 2010, I swallowed 30 ambien and 10 lorazepam. After a fight with that man. I couldn't take it anymore. Every day was worse than the one before. He made me feel like I couldn't do anything right. Like I was the worst human on earth. I didn't want to suffer anymore. I didn't want to fight anymore. I didn't want to disappoint people anymore. I gave up. I woke up in the psych ward. I don't even remember how long I was there. I felt normal there. I fit in finally. I didn't want to leave. But of course, I had to. That is where they put me on Effexor XR. By the time I was out I was on 300 mg of it. I was also seeing a psychotherapist. It was going well. But again, I stopped seeing him and stopped taking my medication. I stayed with the abusive man. We had one more child together. After my daughter was born, things got worse. He started to threaten my kids. And he started to get more violent. Physical abuse was starting. The first time he put his hands on my throat I was done. There was no way I was going to keep my children around that man. After I left he harassed me for several years. Threatening me and my children. I had to cut off all contact with him. Since then I have been on and off with my medication. I am really bad at remembering to take it. Then I always think, "Its all in my head. I don't need the medication. I can do it myself." But I couldn't. I started to get angry. Angry with my children. Angry with myself. Angry at everything. I hated life. I hated everything about my life. I started to lose control. I would be yelling at my kids, and it was like I wasn't there. I could see on their faces how terrifying I was being, but I couldn't stop myself. I knew I was wrong. I knew I should stop, but I couldn't. It wasn't me. It was like an out of body experience. It was awful. Since then, I have been trying so hard to fix myself. I am almost a year solid on my medication. I still have episodes where I flip out. But not to the extent that it was before. I can stop myself now. I can feel myself getting angry and then I know to stop and walk away. My anger is under control but I still feel like I don't fit it. I have no one to talk to about what I am going through. I mean, I have friends to talk to, but I don't think they understand me. I know my boyfriend doesn't. He accepts me and deals with my freak outs and my melt downs. Its nice. He doesn't make me feel crazy. Although, I feel crazy on my own. Even though my life is pretty great now, I still feel unhappy. I still don't feel like I fit in anywhere in this world. I am hoping that this will help me figure out what my next step is.

Also, my mind is always scattered. I jump from subject to subject. My apologies if this post sounds like rambling.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and I look forward to any advice or comments you may have for me.

[Momneedshelp]

Hi Sammyc312! Glad u r here! We support each other and sometimes just listen. Good for u getting back in therapy and treatment. Your children and you deserve it! Try to consciously be the best role model for your children every day! I am still working on that and I’m 53😉

[sammyc312 in reply to Momneedshelp]

Thank you! That is my motivation. I want to be my best self for my kids.

[CazO46]

Hi sammy, it's sounds like you have dealt with and survived a lot in you life. It's tempting to look back and blame yourself when things go wrong but I don't think it helps your life for today. Your future does not have to be the same as your past. Lots of people feel like they don't fit in, if we could get everyone that feels that way together we would have a community where no one felt left out! we are all different but we all have our place in society, including you. Keep posting and I think over time things might become a bit clearer for you. Take care

[Barnabas17]

"Even though my life is pretty great now, I still feel unhappy. I still don't feel like I fit in anywhere in this world."

I have never experienced any of the anxiety, cutting and various treatments and meds...but I have experienced abuse, abandonment and feelings of wondering where is my place in this world. I went from relationship to relationship...working "really hard" trying to do this thing called "life" and failing miserably...

My grandmother died and that was it for me...I'd lost the one person who loved me for me and whose love I could trust. My mom, whom I did not have a relationship with gave me my grandma's bible. I never read it and just tucked it away, someplace safe. One day, after being dumped by me ex, I decided to read it. I did not understand any of it but this part spoke to me: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matt 11:28-30.

No one had ever said such tenderhearted words that spoke to my time of need. If not already, hoping a local church can help with some of these burdens and also bring new perspective and friendships. YOU life has a purpose in this world! Everyone's life has value in the eyes of God. <3