Unfixable

[eatpraylove]

I'm new here. I've searched high and low for help from doctors, to friends, to a clinic, and many more places. I thought that maybe if I joined this group where I felt understood, and fully felt heard about what I was saying that just maybe it would be helpful. I've been struggling since November. However, it got better until January. In January it took another fall, and has continued to get worse since then. As the months of grown on I've grown more frustrated with myself, and the others that have tried to help me. I'm frustrated with myself because I feel unfixable, and like I'm not worthy enough to get the right help. As I've continued to struggle I lost friendships, and many other people in the process. Through it all I've had my family, but that hasn't been enough. They don't understand even though they try to. Anxiety has also been a major problem of mine. It continues 24/7 everyday. It doesn't get better. I have tried mindfulness but that process is extremely hard for me. Anyways, my point in all of this was to try and find some support. I know it's out there, maybe I just haven't been looking hard enough.

[Violinist95]

I feel unfixable most of the time too. Like my reality is so broken, that I'm so broken, that I'm not useful or worth the space I take up. It's hard...really hard. I don't get a lot of support from my family and this often makes it worse. But I do have pretty great friends who put up with me even when my anxiety and depression has me pushing them away. They are the only support system I have though sometimes thats still not enough. It feels like it takes a village of people just to keep me from hitting rock bottom. I don't have answers but I can say that your not alone.

[eatpraylove in reply to Violinist95]

To know that it's not just me out there that feels this way helps. I'm sorry that you feel this way also. I want nobody to ever feel the way I feel. I wish that I had the friends to help me. Honestly, I always put more effort into my friendships than the other. I wish I could help everybody in the world. But I guess the first step is for me to help myself. I just wish I knew how to do that.

[Violinist95 in reply to eatpraylove]

You have a good heart. I find people with anxiety think and make friends a lot differently then the rest of the world. We pour ourselves into our relationships and develop a deep-ness that other people don’t recognize. This often results in us getting hurt. I think the first step to helping yourself is a little bit of forgiveness...easier said then done right? Your different then everyone else out there. What works for them won’t necessarily work for you. And that’s okay. It’s okay to be broken believe it or not. When your broken you have the potential for so much more beauty then something that was always whole. It’s the flaws and cracks that creates the character and beauty in someone.

[eatpraylove in reply to Violinist95]

I agree with everything that you said. I need to forgive myself, and I need to become okay with being broken. As for now though I'm not okay with it. I've grown accustomed to feeling this way, but I haven't grown accustomed to not being able to do anything for the moment. I'm a perfectionist, I need everything to be right in my life. I like control. Because I'm not able to control this in my life has been a major challenge in itself. I wish there were three simple steps I could take to finally becoming okay, and accepting my faults in life. Or at least accept what I'm going through. I love what you just said, "when your broken you have the potential for so much more beauty than something that was always whole. It's the flaws and cracks that creates the character and beauty in someone". That was one of the most powerful statements that I have ever heard. You are an incredible writer, and an incredible person!

[Violinist95 in reply to eatpraylove]

It’s all a process. One that I jump around in. I’m not always good at following my own advice lol. I’m a perfectionist too...It’s made college pretty hard. I once took an incomplete in a class and then turned the paper in 8 months late. My anxiety over wanting that paper to be perfect was so bad that I couldn’t even start it. I once got a 104% on a test and was internally yelling at myself for being the 6% short of the 110% that was possible (good old extra credit lol). Sometimes I think to myself that I’m just a glutton for self punishment. I’ve never physically self-harmed in my life but internally I’m riddled with mental and emotional wounds that are self inflicted.

[eatpraylove in reply to Violinist95]

I relate to you 100% actually. I have been putting off school, and am during school over the summer because I didn't complete my assignments during the school year. In fact I am getting B's or low A's in my class, and that is driving me nuts. Normally I have high A's and those are easy for me to achieve. Now I can barely get an A without working my butt off. This whole process doesn't make any sense to me. I just want something to click in my brain and for everything to make sense. I wish that was the way it works. Sadly, it doesn't. I agree with you I have self inflicted internal wounds that stay with me. However I've been hurt emotionally by others constantly in my life. I feel like people hurt me not on purpose but they don't know the damage that they actually inflict on me. It's much more than anybody knows. I want to pretend it doesn't get to me because in reality it shouldn't get to me. But, it does it tears and rips me apart.

[Violinist95 in reply to eatpraylove]

I have chorus of voices in my head saying all the hurtful things my family and friends have said to me over my life. My self-perception issues are from my father, my self-esteem issues and perfectionism is from my mother, my sister always made a point of telling me that our brother is smarter then me and insinuated that she is too. I had a guy friend in my life that turned out not to be much of a friend...apparently I’m a cold fake witch of a person. I’m a twisted broken mess on the inside but nobody has a clue what they’ve done to me because I smile through it all on the outside. I once had someone tell me that the joy of the lord is always on my face...that made me feel like such a fraud.

[eatpraylove in reply to Violinist95]

I honestly couldn't agree more with you. However, the voices in my head come from friends, loved ones, and one just from my first actual love. Imagine how that stung me, and it wasn't said to my face. I smile through it all. Everybody gave me a hard time saying how I took things too seriously. I always blamed myself, I still do. It was my fault that I got bullied, I must've done something wrong. I always make up excuses for everybody that hurts me emotionally in my life. My family doesn't get how each of their comments just tears me apart. I keep getting torn and torn more and more everyday. I'm trying to stay strong, I just don't have any more strength left. I'm running out, and I'm afraid what is going to happen when I run out. I never put my problems on anybody else because I feel like a burden in life. I take on all my problems and others. I have empathy for everybody in life. I will never put my problems on others, I wish that I could. Or that others actually wanted to help instead of just asking to be nice. I'm afraid for what's going to happen when I run out strength, because I am getting pretty close.

[Violinist95]

You know how everyone is always like you just need a mantra? My “mantra” if that’s what you want to call it is No Dying Allowed. There are going to be times where your strength does run out. I’m not going to lie, it’s horrible and feels like the worst thing in the world. But sometime it takes that feeling of being utterly destroyed to start healing. Once you loose all the control you start to piece things back together again for a little while. My first love broke up with me 3 months ago....over text....while I was in class. He refused to see me or really talk to me other than to end it. I have no idea what happened other than I felt so worthless and dirty. I still wonder what made it so he couldn’t even look at me...what is so wrong with me that he won’t look at me. I want to hate him for it but I can’t. I don’t have it in me to hate him...how can you hate someone you love. He struggles with Anxiety and Depression too so it was and is all to easy for me to justify his actions. But I’ve finally got to the point that I realized that those are reasons not excuses. Just because they are the reason he hurt me doesn’t mean they excuse his actions. That is the mindset I try to use with people because I’m all to empathetic too.

[eatpraylove in reply to Violinist95]

I hope that once my strength runs out I start to heal as a person, and an individual person. I need control right now, that's honestly one of the hardest things to deal with. My first love also has depression and anxiety. He still doesn't know how his comments made me feel because I don't want to hurt him like he hurt me. He doesn't get it even though he says he does. I honestly believe that no person can fully understand what the other person is going through. They can have some understanding, and they can have wisdom but I don't believe that they can have a full understanding until they have been in that person's shoes. You never know what the other person feels like or what they are going through until you are in there shoes and going through what they have bene through. I just am tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of trying so hard for something that's not there. I'm just tired.

[pink83737]

I know how you feel we have struggled the same times it seems. I am here if you need to talk, pm me.