Never giving up

Hi, My name is Patty. I'm 60 years old, and I just can't get used to the sound of that number!! Anyway, I have been married for 29 years to a great guy and we have 2 grown sons. Sounds like I'm happy and I am,I just wish I could FEEL the happiness. Can anyone relate to that feeling of being numb? I have fought major depression and anxiety since I was 21. I've been hospitalized many times and attempted suicide several times. I've tried every psychotropic med there is I think and have had ECT treatments twice. I married at 31, had 2 beautiful sons and managed to escape any major episodes for well over 25 years. Then in 2012 after several very stressful years WHAM, I had an episode that put me back in the hospital and another course of ECT. I was devastated! Why after so many good years did this have to happen again?Well. it took me a long time to really admit that I have a mental illness and that I can choose to deal with it by continuing to get help or I can give up!

Honestly sometimes I do want to give up but I have always maintained a hope. Maybe things can get better,just maybe a new treatment will become available that will help more than the previous treatment. I just have this hope, that with God's help something might change, so I will never give up. Maybe someday I can really FEEL happy! Thanks for listening

15 Replies

  • I too am 60 years old, just retired and have GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) I am currently feeling a lot of anxiety, which is always disappointing. It's easy to feel like giving up when you feel bad, but "this too shall pass," and I'm trying to just keep moving and doing what I want to do. Today, I am going to start a yoga class and after I finish this, I'm going for a run/walk. I'm trying to feel/accept the fear and keep on going so that I know "I can handle this," as I have many times throughout my life. Fighting it does not help. Accepting it without judgement ( not easy to do) is what I'm working towards.

  • Good for you for getting out there! I feel numb a lot too, but there has been a more than a few traumas in my life. I am not sure if this applies to you. I have been fighting it, thank you for the perspective.

  • I too have had several traumas in my life. Growing up with an alcoholic dad was one trauma that left me quite damaged. I have counseled through that, but I feel that the abuse I experienced will always affect my self esteem.

  • My father was a mean drunk so I get it. He was away in the military a lot so I did not have as much exposure till bout 10. We have to forgive ourselves for things that were never our fault. Ain't that a hoot? I was the target child, looked the most like my mom. We have to become self referent. Those tapes that play in our head of abuse we must reject. I am a good person, not who he always said I was, fill in the curse words. I prefer physical abuse. Bruises heal, the words I never stop hearing...but I refuse to give up hope that they will be silenced.

  • Sounds like you're taking positive steps to help yourself. That's better than not doing anything! Good for you. I stay busy, it helps me to forget about myself. Keep taking baby steps. Thanks for sharing.

  • Thank you for your openness and honesty. Just hearing your struggle gives me hope in the fact that I am not alone in my own similar struggles. Please keep us posted. It has been a long hard process for me but at least I am still moving forward most of the days. Just taking one day at a time and trying to learn to be kinder to myself.

  • Good point on trying to be kinder to yourself. I know I tend to be hard on myself because I think I should be able to do more or be more. Acceptance of the illness is hard for me. Do you struggle with acceptance?

  • Yes. Acceptance is hard as well as a deep longing for approval and acceptance. Kind of a dark cloud that follows me and push me to look for safety. Thanks for asking.

  • Do you struggle with depression as well as anxiety? I find that anxiety and depression seem go hand in hand. Also wondering if a trauma or life event lead to your GAD or if its perhaps familial. My mom had depression as well as my dad and his dad.

  • I have always been a nervous person, a deep thinker, one that tends to ruminate a lot and generally very empathic which in the past led me to getting my feelings hurt. Also been a people pleaser as well as a Co-dependent in my marriage and some relationships. Been married 20 years and 9 of those years my wife has been unfaithful. The last one was a 3 year relationship with one of. My best friends. She confessed. We have 3 kids and are working it out. She really came to a place of brokenness and self hate which led to the confession. She unfortunately had a lot of baggage from her childhood. So we are hanging in there. I believe in God, and go to church but have really come to term with bearing our cross and sharing in the same sufferings of Christ. But it doesn't make my life easier and I still struggle.

    Been doing CBT and some ERP with a therapist. As for my folks my Mom is full of anxiety and always depressed but will never admit it. Same as her Mother. Both have been very critical and controlling. Sadly I turned out the same way and am try to figure out a better way to live.

    That is a bit of a mouthful but thanks for asking and thanks for listening.

  • Honoring our father and mother does not mean enduring the abuse if it is still ongoing. When ANYONE is verbally abusive, I immediately say, " gotta run, take care"- click.

    I used to only have anxiety but I have noticed myself pretending I am happy when I am not so he can be happy. We both had horrid childhoods. And he pays the bill for my trust issues that he doesn't owe. We have hurt each other in many ways. Can't go the distance unscathed when both are terribly scarred.

  • Yes, but I object to labels. After what I've been through folks would nod in understanding if I went loco. As humans, I do not believe we are supposed to live our lives at such a fast pace. And I am not a materialist and all folks talk about is what they buy. Boring.

  • Thanks for the feedback. I think what I need to work on is self-care and being non-judgmental of myself. I do it without being aware of it, it is so much a habit. I tend to blame myself for my situation and right now I am hypersensitive about how I feel. I am looking at my feelings with a microscope. That's why I am just trying to take baby steps and do things that I know are good for me. I've been through this before, but it always feels bad when you're in a negative loop.

  • Thanks Patty!

    I learned about this site and joined this group about a half-hour ago. The first posts I read were written by younger folks, which I indeed remember being. <G> And, of course, resonated with me.

    I hoped to find folks who have spent many decades of their lives coping with mood disorders. I have been fortunate in having caring therapists, but mental health research and therapeutic discernment and practices that are so helpful now, have come too late to help me heal decades ago. That leaves me with a sadness despite acceptance of that reality.

    But I am so happy to know that there is so much help available for teens and millennials that may alleviate or at least mitigate the effects of depression/anxiety as well as complex PTD and suicide ideation or attempts!

    You "jus"t have to seek professional help, etc and persist. No magic cures. Just hard, painful work, lots of coping skills and growth that can lead to remission of disruptive symptoms. Few or fewer and less intense/enduring relapses. I am living witness that it can get better and lead you to the authentic core of yourself, so often minimized or denigrated first by others and ultimately internally.

    So, I am glad to have found you and others who responded. I just skimmed those comments, because I need to get dressed to go to the gym <G>!!



  • I hear you about finding things out too late. My parent's marriage was fake, he was unfaithful most of the time...which is a bill my husband pays and does not owe. Patty, NO self blame!!! Have to keep reminding ourselves. We did not order such pain from a menu.

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