Panic and anxiety help for a friend

[HelpingafriendT]

I am trying to understand my friend better. She has had both childhood and adult traumas. She has panic attacks, anxiety, depression and PTSD. She has taken all of the benzo family and has some depression meds. She has lots of anger issues and seems to be in fight mode all the time. She tries to control all aspects of her life to avoid being blindsided or unwanted circumstances. If she is embarrassed or feels humiliated by any circumstance, this leads to run away anger and fighting. She tells me that she wakes up each morning with a panic attack. She tells me that it is painfull and feels like she is shaking on the inside. She has no physiological symptoms blood pressure and heart rate are not effected. On a couple occasions she has been in what seems to be a panic attack and having difficulty breathing.

I don’t understand waking to a panic attack or the persistence of a panic attack all day. I totally believe her. I think that she may have confused between acute anxiety and panic. If she is treating panic with benzos rather than something more specific for anxiety then it may explain her lack of real relief. Her medication only brings her to 6or 7 out of 10. Lately it isn’t working. She has been using CBD vape that provides temporary relief. I have read that CBD negativity impacts the effectiveness of Benzodiazepines.

If her experience is similar to you, please respond. I am doing my best to help her. Her prescribing psychiatricist is abrasive and I am trying to get her back to her therapist. She started having trouble getting out of bed and drive her son to school. She also had trouble getting to the therapist (missing the last 4 apps). She can’t go into an inpatient treatment as her ex will use this to try and take her son. She is out of a job and freaked out but not really in shape to work.

How can I help her?

[deborah27]

Hi, it may be useful to be clear in your own head about the difference between ' help ' and ' fix' .

We can't fix someone else's complex issues. Help too has its problems. Talking is often a supportive way to enable or encourage someone to find solutions or ways to deal with whatever life has thrown at them.

You need boundaries though, you need to look after your own mental health. Be a friend of course, chat, have a coffee, a laugh and share time together. You sound like a genuine friend, just know your limits and have your own space and time for your own interests, hobbies etc... Good luck.

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to deborah27]

Nicely said deborah27

[HelpingafriendT in reply to deborah27]

Thank you

[Dolphin14]

I have the childhood emotional neglect, anxiety ptsd depression. So I can relate to your friend on panic attack's, etc.

My advice for her is a therapist. You can't do this healing on your own.

I'm concerned about the child as you mention the ex using inpatient against her. Is she able to be a competent parent right now? It's a question not a judgement. You would have to look at the situation and come to a conclusion.

The only way to heal is to "work it". It hard work and you have to put in the time.

If she were my friend I would tell her she needs therapy. I would be a supportive friend but the rest is in her hands.

[HelpingafriendT in reply to Dolphin14]

Thank you for the response. Her child is safe and okay. He missed a little school near the end of the year is about the worst of it in the short run. She is a helicopter mom and will make herself do what she needs to do to protect and provide for him.

I travel and can’t help her with things like getting her son to school. Often I am doing my best not to upset her even further. I hear all of the catastrophizing, exaggerations , strong negative words, irrational thinking, and ruminations. I hear the same story over and over like a train on a loop. Every time it comes around it seems just a bit worse. For every time she says it to me I understand that train has passed 20 times more in her head. My sense of empathy about that past hurt and it’s pending influence on the future erodes more and more. Fear and the need to control what she fears occupy everything and every minute. It is enough to drive me made and I am only getting 10%.

I have read multiple CBT books and tons of other stuff. I have bought her a dozen books but they don’t get read. I know only she can challenge her own thinking. But she pushes me to agree with her conclusion or support her actions when I know that it is often not the best approach or decision. Loyalty over logic and calm thinking. I can see all the ways fear is hurting her and driving behaviors.

What is PTSD like for you? How do you break your cycles? What are effect boundaries other set when dealing with you? I know I can’t solve he problems but I need a more effective way of being a friend and really helping.

[Dolphin14 in reply to HelpingafriendT]

It sounds like you are an excellent friend. You've aided her and given her information to work with. It's nice to hear because so many people shy away from it because they don't understand. I'm glad her son is safe that makes me feel better. Sometimes if we can't care for ourselves it's hard to care for others.

I've had ptsd for a long time. I am in multiple therapies and take multiple meds. I have friends I can talk to about it and friends who think there's a magic button to get over it. People don't set boundaries with me because I'm so far into my healing process. In the beginning no one was paying attention to me and just went about their life anyways. I've learned over the years to talk about ptsd only with people who understand it.

As a friend I think you have done a lot so far. You can encourage her with her therapy. I find that having someone ask me how therapy was that day means a lot to me. I don't say a lot about it but it's good people remember that Monday and wed are my therapy days.

I'm sure it gets old hearing it constantly .

The only thing I ask of my friends is to be supportive. If I say I'm having a bad day they are cheerleaders to push me along. It's ok to say" I wish I understood what you are going through but you have to really dig in deep with the therapist, I don't have the answers for you."

Others in a different stage of recovery may have better answers for you.

I just want to commend you for the hard work you have put into your friendship.

[EleanorRose]

You sound like an excellent friend.

I echo what others have said about looking after yourself, too.

I am both someone with an anxiety disorder but also have a very close friend who has a lot of her own struggles which in some ways reflect those of your friend. I try my best to support her and it’s hard to see her that way; I used to do ALOT for her and sometimes still do - I’ve had to try and take a step back a little and realise the impact it has on my own mental health.

I am lucky to have some excellent friends of my own, who I am eternally grateful for, and I’d feel very lucky to have a friend like you. You are doing enough. Your kindness, understanding and empathy will be having more of an impact than you know. It’s frustrating and difficult to watch someone you care about suffer but as much as we’d like to, we can’t fix other people’s lives.

Getting her to her therapist would be a big positive step.

[HelpingafriendT in reply to EleanorRose]

Thank you