can someone help me reason through some thoughts

[hurtingheart1]

I am very hurt and I have people in my life that are soo argumentative and put me down constantly I need look at things clearly

[Hidden]

So you do things but are always put down no matter what?

[hurtingheart1]

I'm not sure what you mean?

[Hidden in reply to hurtingheart1]

I'm trying to understand what you mean too.

What do you need to look at clearly?

[hurtingheart1]

All I know is If I tell some loved ones family close friends when they do things I don't like or that hurt me they attack me instead of apologize or acknowledging it they overreact get angry and tell me I'm exaggerating or imaging it that I'm all kinds of terrible things they argue yell talk over me and put me and my character as a person down! I love these people and try my best to communicate and be kind with them even though I'm an imperfect flawed human as well but I need and want respect just like everyone else!!!

[hurtingheart1]

I'm just told how wrong I am and it hurts so bad I feel no love and true care for my health and mental well being- my self worth as a woman and a human being!!

[Hidden in reply to hurtingheart1]

Maybe they just don't see things the way that you do, I'm not sure what you should do, if you didn't react to them would they stop giving you a hard time?

[Hidden in reply to hurtingheart1]

I feel the exact same way when it comes to my family 😔, I have no friends 😯

[coatpin in reply to hurtingheart1]

A woman in your own right, Anne Dickson, I suggest you reading. You have the right to put clear boundaries, of things your willing to accept or not, be it behaviour and stand up to yourself. I think first of all you need to change yours, because your lack of self worth, lack of confidence, is the problem. People treat you how you allow yourself to be treated. Period! This book will help you, giving you some direction. Take time out for yourself, pamper yourself. My kids were adults, and my eldest daughter was down right nasty to me, so I just didnt visit. Until I get an apology Im not going to either.

If they want you to baby sit say no. and dont allow them to make them you feel guilty either.

Dr susan Forward, brilliant book, called. Emotional Blackmail, when the people in your life use fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate you. Go to amazon set up an account, also if your on meds, maybe they are not working so well, and you might need to have a increase, or change them.

Take better care of you, and stop being a mug these people take you for, they have lost respect, so you have to redefine yourself. Grow, and remind them of good manners, it can bring you a long way. This society has seemed to lost those good values , respect, ect that people were taught. Now they think its okay, to take something, as if they are entitled to it... Stand your ground in a nice but firm way. Dont be bullied!!

[hurtingheart1]

All I want is to give love and kindness to others, share joy and peace and help others!!! why do I have people in my life that look at things soo strangely and behave in such unhealthy ways???

[Hidden in reply to hurtingheart1]

Because that's how a lot of people are these days.

You seem to be different, more caring maybe. You probably see things in a different way to most people. Maybe you are more easy going and kind?

[coatpin in reply to hurtingheart1]

Because they were given too much, and now they take things for granted. They were spoilt, but life has a away, when they get a lifes lesson things will change. Take a look at my advice, its your choice. After several years,,, things are changing for me. Only because I have done all this, myself. I have came across, other parents, who have felt the way you do, them giving everything to them, even paying off their debts , now facing the tax man, they yet again, in the situation they was last year when they had to sell their own house, and now are homeless. Now he talks of suicide. But he chooses to do nothing to change,,,, his choice. You cant take a horse to a drink but you cant force the old nagg to drink it,,,. But something tells me you will.

[hurtingheart1 in reply to coatpin]

hi I appreciate your comments and books sound interesting but I was wondering maybe if u wer replying to me accidentally somehow- cause u were mentionIng about being a parent-I'm not a parent!??idk?maybe you confused me with another post?? not sure but anyway some great thoughts and advice also the books you recommend sound good!!☺️🌸

[coatpin in reply to hurtingheart1]

Maybe I was trying to say, that you might be around with people that you, maybe be , cant help! in my clumsy way. Your more heartfelt than most. Caring. And your a giver, some people just drain you dry.

[hurtingheart1 in reply to coatpin]

Thank you- 💞💞🌻you sound very kind and also a caring giver!! Don't ever change this& No it wasn't clumsy at all what you said!!Appreciate meeting kind caring people like you on here!!☺️

[hurtingheart1]

Maybe but how do I stop doing that?? I just feel a strong need to defend my character and self worth?? I feel like I have to set it straight some how because they seem to want to tear me down to such a low place and I feel like I have to speak up for myself!! Should I find another way?? If so how do I do it???

[Hidden in reply to hurtingheart1]

I'm not really sure, it's hard to say because I am not there.

[moonrising7 in reply to hurtingheart1]

You can't make someone behave the way you want or need. Maybe this who they are. As sad and hurtful as it is, ask yourself what would happen if you stopped seeking their approval. What if you sought validation and acceptance elsewhere? Such as a support group or a special interest group or volunteering. It's natural to want to be loved and appreciated. Some simply aren't capable, either because they don't know how or don't want to.

[hurtingheart1 in reply to moonrising7]

very true- was thinking all the same things-thank you💞👏🌻

[hurtingheart1]

Thank you☺️🌻 I am different and its soo hard!!!!

[hurtingheart1]

well have you ever had a parent or family member who tells you your delusional, you don't do anything right that your the problem & no one else is ! it's hard to fight against when you question your own self and mistakes and feel depressed as it is??

[Hidden in reply to hurtingheart1]

Question your own self and do what you think is right for you.

[hurtingheart1]

I just would like healthy living relationships with family and ones I love!!

[Aspergirl47 in reply to hurtingheart1]

Nothing wrong with wanting that hurtingheart1

[hurtingheart1]

the reality is I know deep inside I'm a loving caring compassionate girl with a lot to offer, I work hard , I care soo much for others, I always want to see others happy and healthy and try any way o can to help them to be healthier!! I research and read and study! I share what I learn!! I'm full of flaws like anyone I guess but yes I'm in pain and I hurt, I feel things deeply-others in pain, the saddness of the world, it's weighing heavy on me!

[hurtingheart1]

I hope my words are coming across clear I hope I'm not unloading too much - I can only try my best and I am just in pain though!

[Hidden in reply to hurtingheart1]

No you are not unloading to much, if you are trying your best then you are doing fine.

Maybe you just need to be a bit more thick skinned, you know not take things to heart so much?

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Hidden]

thanks & appreciate your thoughts☺️

[moonrising7 in reply to Hidden]

But how do we do that? Seriously people have told me the same thing but no one explains how. I don't understand this world we live in. Today was ok, but some days are horrible.i take my meds, go to therapy, pray for strength. Still people are ignorant and rude to me. This world makes me really sad and tired sometimes.

[Hidden in reply to moonrising7]

You take everything said to you to heart?

That's the problem, let it go over your head and don't let it get to you.

Resect that people don't think the same way as you do, don't judge them for how they are but try to train yourself to not pay so much attention to them. If they have an opinion let them have it, just keep to your own beliefs and let them have Thiers.

[moonrising7 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks. I will keep trying.

[gogogirl in reply to Hidden]

Could it be that some of the things they say are true- you just do not like the way they say it? Sometimes the things that people say get to us most when there is a ring of truth. It;s not that way all the time, but sometimes it is.

[gogogirl in reply to gogogirl]

I think I replied to the wrong post- sorry- eye issues!

[fauxartist in reply to moonrising7]

I'm thin skinned and wear my feelings on my shoulder, but at the same time I have learned I can also take a few hard knocks and not always come out swingin, instead be diplomatic..count to ten...see if there is any truth in whats being said, and then either pick your battles and know when to ignore someone and walk away, or how to come back with a calm and clear response.....it's hard because you put yourself out there sometimes and pull back a bloody stump. It's the main fear of a lot of members here, and why they don't post their own stuff, because they are afraid of a negative or critical response which just makes them more hurt and distrusting. There are a lot who just comment because it's not their post being up for response or critique...so they glide in and glide out with their take on what was said. It takes guts to put yourself out there, even anonymously on a site some where in cyberspace...because we do get hurt easy...so give yourself some credit for even being brave enough to comment moonrising7...your stronger than you may think.

[eaglelee257 in reply to fauxartist]

That is soo true

[moonrising7 in reply to fauxartist]

Thanks

[gogogirl in reply to Hidden]

I agree with that- the world is tough.

[moonrising7 in reply to hurtingheart1]

I understand. I'm awake 2:30 am in part because of a cold but also I miss my friend that passed away. Then less than a month later I was mistreated by people I thought I could trust. They keep saying I just wanted to help. Listening, and asking what I needed would've been good. Long story short, that's not what happened. I became even more depressed and hurt. Even though I told them that, they just kept pushing, leaving me feeling unheard, powerless and a level of anger I'm not use to. I don't understand why they couldn't just talk to me! Strangers feel comfortable talking to me but these 2 "friends" couldn't be bothered. It was over a year ago it still really hurts.

[Hidden in reply to moonrising7]

I know what it is like when a friend passed away and it is a very hard thing to come to terms with, but it will be easier for you it just takes time.

Maybe your friends just don't know what to do or say in this situation so just try to steer clear of it. It is very hard to know what to say when someone passes away, maybe your friends just can't handle it and want to try to be normal, like things where before you lost your friend.

[fauxartist in reply to moonrising7]

hey moonrising....sometimes friends and family say what they think we should here. And because they really Don't know how your feeling, or because either they are just not listening or have their own stuff going on, you feel even more frustrated because your not able to share without input what your going through. Sure we want someone to say something to make us feel better, sometimes we just need someone to listen to us, but ultimately, nobody can fix our feelings, we have to find what works....I found my group for 'grief and loss' and 'letting go' more helpful cause I didn't have to worry about anyone else's feelings, or dismissive comments because they don't want to talk about the subject. Friends can be fair weather friends, and or 'good time' buddies...everyone has their own stuff....and we can't always expect them to be there for us...so....share with people you know will listen, usually complete strangers on a site somewhere in cyberspace can be a better option....glad your sharing.

[moonrising7 in reply to fauxartist]

I get that, if I say back off and you don't then that's disrespectful and rude. One of them apologized.

[hypercat54]

Hi I do get what you are saying but how sure are you that you don't hurt them too with your behaviour and actions? Are you the only one of your family who doesn't do that to others? Are you super sensitive of them and understand perfectly how each of them want to be treated and make sure you do this?

As we are all human I very much doubt whether you do. You might think you do but then so might your other loves ones and can't understand how you can react to them the way you do. This could be why they get angry with you as they feel criticised when they are doing their best.

The other thing to think about is you are not the centre of their universe, only your own just as they are. We all have to accept others and learn to get along with them and even if they express themselves badly see the love and care behind their words and actions. You can't expect anyone to adapt themselves to your perceptions of their behaviour any more than you should to theirs.

I know I come across as being quite harsh here but I think you need a reality check. If you are unhappy with what I have said then I will delete what I have written if you ask me too and stay away from you in the future. Ok? x

[hurtingheart1]

I appreciate your thoughts. And yes I consider them (family, loved ones very much so- their pains, their feelings, their health as I mentioned-maybe so much so though that it is probably unhealthy for me?- I have and need more boundaries! I think it's a lot more complex and of coarse on here you can only offer so much advice and thoughts because each situation is so individual but I appreciate points you may be trying to make but no -not the case for me I am just 1 of rare types that is hyper ovrrthinker, very sensitive to others and compassion to there pain! So actually opposite of what you mentioned!!!😬😳 Also no need to delete your post that's not necessary-although I don't agree with everything you say it's ok-& no I don't need a reality check- I see sad reality all too clearly!!!! There's a lot of toxic behavior & people!!!

[gogogirl in reply to hurtingheart1]

Maybe you need to take care of yourself more- and stop thinking of yourself as a "rare" type.

[hurtingheart1]

I do know & beleive though that we should know & understand the differences between healthy and unhealthy behaviors and treatment of other fellow humans and loved ones and know our boundaries and treat others always with love and respect so this I am sure of and will always seek for this balance!!

[Aspergirl47]

Hi What ive read in your post sounds similar to my experiences with family...Sounds like a dysfunctional family and if youre sensitive/caring type...unfortunately in some families they will take advantage...ive had this done to me and it doesn't matter if u talk to them about it...they will react angrily because they cant except their wrong ....I have distance myself from my brother and partner due to the same thing....theres no reasoning with them....they destroy your self esteem...if they wont talk without making u feel bad..i would look at keeping away as much as possible from the ones who are toxic ...u deserve better Hope this helps....xx

[Hidden in reply to Aspergirl47]

I appreciate your advice on this topic, it helped me too ☺💕

[Aspergirl47 in reply to Hidden]

I'm glad this has helped...even if a little

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Aspergirl47]

Thank you🌻👏😊I appreciate it soo much!!!!- it's true toxic people that I have to keep more distance from i guess if they just aren't willing to be reasonable and work seriously to change for better!!! I'm soo sorry you others are dealing with this as well!!!😳😱💕💕💕💞💞💞I feel for you both!!

[Aspergirl47 in reply to hurtingheart1]

Youre welcome The ones who just aren't willing to listen/be reasonable to u....they are just not worth youre time or precious energy...they just drain u and make u feel more low....there is no talking to my brother at all...he in his mind is always right....he reacts with aggression when ive tried to talk to him....he physically attacked me when I tried to help him with an issue that was bothering him.....there is no reasoning with someone like that....he frightens me so badly that I have panic attacks in his presence...so I try to avoid him at all costs now....I hope things get better for u

[fauxartist in reply to Aspergirl47]

Great point Aspergirl47....some family members are toxic and don't deserve your attention because they are just jerks. Why should you keep submitting yourself as a 'whipping post' to be abused by people that are simply cruel and critical. I don't care if they are your family or the next door neighbor...Not every parent or family member deserves your love...they have to earn it by being trustworthy and being there for you, it's not an automatic god given right because of who they are.

[Aspergirl47 in reply to fauxartist]

Well said fauxartist I am so fed up and exhausted with the rollercoaster ride these people put u on....I tried everything to be kind and helpful to my brother and ex partner and they have just used me until I have no self esteem left...that's not right....youre so right about being their whipping post and that's exactly how they treat u.....they want to feel powerful when they know their anything but...and they seek out the most vunerable ...no matter if youre family.....my brother never behaves in a toxic way with my other brother....only with me...he has put me through hell.....and I'm the one who has Autism and is sensitive and probably because I'm also female.....he knows my other brother can handle him and he wouldn't dare do anything to upset him.....I don't care now if I never saw him again....youre right some people don't deserve your love....

[Imakook]

Hi, sweet girl. I know exactly who you are and I've been in your shoes. Sometimes I still am. Wouldn't it be awesome if we could all just get along? I call, "Group hug!". Lol! I can laugh now but it's not a very funny thing if you're the only one who is the hugger.kkuye

[fauxartist]

I hear what your saying....I could never talk to one of my family members without a barrage of defensive attacks thrown back at me over anything said they did not like..I had all their anger and disappointment with life thrown at me...and it broke my heart, because all I wanted was a loving family....it just was not in them to give that. I had made myself become invisible as much as I could to not be a target....but to no avail....eventually I just stopped talking too.

So this does not destroy your self esteem and your trust towards people, try to just stop talking to them about certain issues that will trigger a negative response....look elsewhere for positive and constructive advice, or people that are safe, that you can express your feelings to....some family's are just who they are around issues....and you have to keep yourself safe and out of the line of fire...don't be a 'whippin post' for those that just cannot work out how to be nurturing and compassionate. Accept their limitations around those issues, and take care of you.

[Aspergirl47 in reply to fauxartist]

Exactly like my family fauxartist...Agree u have to try and connect with the right people....

[hypercat54]

Well I am not being funny or trying to hurt your feelings but I doubt very much whether you are the rare type of human being filled with love and sunshine that you claim to be. I thought I was when I was young too until I realised there was many things I didn't know or understand. This only comes through life experiences.

There are many lessons we all have to learn in life and I am sorry to say I doubt whether you can have possibly learnt them all or even more than a couple of them at your young age!

You say you don't understand how to change - ok when one of your family says something to you can you listen for the thought and care behind it before the words themselves. For example if your family insist you eat something even if you don't want to it's because they care about your health even if they say it in a way you don't like. The way to deal with it is to try and eat and if you really can't then say calmly something like 'Oh it looks lovely but I ate earlier' or 'I'm not hungry now would you mind saving me a bit for later please'. Show them you appreciate their care and am not concentrating on their delivery method. .

Does this help a bit? x

[Imakook]

Hi Hurting,

I fell asleep in the middle of my post several hours ago & it sent. It's embarrassing!

One of the first things that came to mind is, are any/most of your relatives drinkers or even alcoholics? If so, there is a free program called Alanon that will cure you of resentment..it did for me in this same situation. My biggest "Offender" (in my mind) was my husband of 14 years at the time. We have now been married 21 yrs & I try to accept him for who he is. I pick my battles & if we're having difficulties, with Alanon's help, I have learned to discuss it in a calm manner. One of our biggest issues is our personalities. I've learned that "Expectations are pre-meditated resentments".

Alanon meetings, literature (I strongly suggest their daily meditation books, which simply offer suggestions as how to handle almost any situation) and support can be found online.

Take care, hon...HUGS!!!

[Imakook]

One more thing. Please be sure to get help for or talk your abuse and abandonment over with somone who can help you to overcome and move on. It can be done if you reach out. And I totally agree with fauxartist & aspergirl; Tough love for those most harmful creatures.

You are loved & respected here. Each one of us is willing and hoping to be helpful.

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Imakook]

Thank you soo much for all your thoughts & care💞🌻☺️🌷💐

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Imakook]

Just wanted to say hello to you kind caring ones out there-Hope you're doing well!!☺️🌻💕& thanks again for your caring, understanding words!!!!-imakook, aspergirl47, southtexas84, fauxartist, jimmyjimmy, moonrising7-hope not forgetting somebody?

[gogogirl]

Are you a young person in high school or college? Times and life can change people just by living life!

[gogogirl]

I saw some articles that really say it's okay to feel badly sometimes- in fact sometimes it can force people to grow in certain ways. It makes sense.

[hurtingheart1 in reply to gogogirl]

Thank you!!!💞🌻☺️🌼🌼

[Dubba61]

Hello, I'm sorry to hear.ar that. Perhaps you are a sensitive soul n the rest of your family don't realise how that feels. Sometimes we just have to accept that not everyone is like us. Not easy i know. 😊👍🌻

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Dubba61]

Thank you☺️🌻yes I know they don't know how it feels &- I love them best can.💞