There is a beast that resides deep within me. I tells me horrible things, mean things and tortures me constantly.
The beast is my anxiety...
My beast tells me that I am insufficient. It tells me that I do not do enough chores and I need to do more. It tells me I should not have gone out of town without doing the dishes. It tells me I need to do all of the laundry and vacuuming, even though my legs are swollen and in agony (from veinous insufficiency/PAD). It tells me that I must keep going no matter the pain.
The Beast concocts stories that if I do not do these things, that my boyfriend will be mad at me. Or, worse, I will be mad at me.
I am a victim of my introverted mind and anxiety.
I punish myself. I make myself clean until I have caused myself personal harm. Worst still, the beast tempts me with the idea of cutting myself with a dull knife.
How do I stop punishing myself? How do I forgive myself for the things that have perceived to be a “problem” or “bad”? How do I defeat the “Beast” and move on with my life?
“These are not words, they're only feelings
There are no sounds that you can hear
There is no form that you can touch
There are no colors for you to see
The only sound is a distant thunder
A tempest rages so far away from me
I walked for miles and I started running
Towards the sound and storm where you might find me
Towards the sound and storm where you might find me....” Tempest by VNV Nation