How do you forgive yourself? How do you let things go?

[JAFOman]

I have never been able to forgive myself or let things go. I tell myself I hold onto then to learn but it's really to punish myself because I should have known better, done better. Years of this has me believing I deserve to be miserable and alone. How can I expect anyone to accept me, like me when I hold onto so much?

[Catsamaze ADAA Volunteer]

Hi friend. You, like me too often, are trying to get a better past. We knew what we knew at the time, so we did what we did at the time. Not fair to punish yourself for that. You are wiser now so what you did before looks *especially* stupid now when you look back at it. Since the past can’t change you will continue to castigate yourself for what happened back then. That’s why we’ve got to let the past go. It takes practice, but what doesn’t?

[JAFOman in reply to Catsamaze]

But how? I mean I know this sounds incredibly dense but I have no idea how to let it go.

[hypercat54 in reply to JAFOman]

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but why should you have known or done better? It's only later looking back that you think omg. We all do it.

I find what helps me is to know that I did my best at any given time even if it was rubbish. Best is best after all and no one especially yourself can expect more from you than that.

You are not clairvoyant and none of us can foresee what affect our actions could have in the future. Would you be so hard on a friend? So why be so hard on yourself?

[JAFOman in reply to hypercat54]

I like my friends better than I like myself lol

[hypercat54 in reply to JAFOman]

Well they obviously like you too otherwise they wouldn't be friends.

The more you think about the past the more you will think about it as the grooves in the brain get deeper. Eventually they reach a point of obsession. The way to stop this is to distract yourself every time they appear. Ok this is hard and only lasts for a few seconds but the more you do it the easier it will become.

Do you think you have learned your lessons from your mistakes? Think about this carefully coz if you have you can put them to bed. I don't mean you forget but they become less and less important. Vow to not make the same mistakes again.

The other thing to get through your head though is that you can't change the past - you can't as it's impossible. All you are doing is poisoning your present and what's the point of that? The past is past and belongs there in the past. No amount of obsessing or worrying about it will change that. The only thing that might is a time machine but you haven't got one of those!

[13ga in reply to hypercat54]

hypercat...

you made a very interesting statement, which sent me down a tangential path.

"you can't change the past" - while this is technically true; it's not entirely accurate for some really interesting reasons.

we can't change the actual past. but we CAN change how we remember the past!! in fact - studies on the brain and memory mechanisms have shown us that the simple act of recalling a memory - actually changes that memory in very minute ways!!! this fact is well known to anyone in the legal system when they question witnesses - and is especially true with children. even the manner in which questions are asked can alter the witness' memory!!!!

So - why is this relevant? as Catsamaze pointed out - we didnt have present wisdom in the past.

our memory of a past event may be altered from what actually happened. not only do we forget that present knowledge didn't exist at the time of the event - but what we did and the impact of it may have been more or less worse than we remember it.

in my personal experience - my self castigation for a regrettable thing i did - often exceeds what is reasonable for what i did; and how badly it effected others. i remember how bad that thing was - but was it really as bad as i remember it??? the likely answer, because i'm castigating myself - is that my memory is altered to make the event worse than it likely was.

does knowing this help me to forgive myself?? well - i'll let you know the first time i'm able to forgive myself of something!!! 😦🙁☹️

i too am trying to learn how to do this. but knowing what i just shared - makes it that much more important to learn how to do this!

.

i know that anyone who can forgive someone else is obviously capable of forgiveness. and presumably those reading this are all capable; and there's not usually many narcissists asking for mental help!! so if we can forgive another - all we really need to learn is how to turn that skill upon ourselves.

i know that sounded pretty easy... but as i've said - i haven't figured it out yet; and i've forgiven some other people of some pretty horrific things.

i'll let you know when i manage to forgive myself of something simple!!! 😱😱😱😱

[13ga in reply to JAFOman]

excellent observation, jafo!!! i can relate!!!

[Catsamaze ADAA Volunteer in reply to JAFOman]

It’s not dense! I’m still practicing myself! Try this...each time you are aware of a thought about this, ask yourself “Is this helpful?” If it isn’t move on. I don’t think there is one way to do this. If I knew exactly how believe me I would share it with you! Try these 3 words ...”Is this helpful”. If the answer is no then drop it. If the answer is yes then dwell on it awhile. Sounds silly but it is a powerful technique for me.....

[JAFOman in reply to Catsamaze]

Thank you I will try it

[13ga in reply to Catsamaze]

CA - i just have to tell you that i'm disappointed you don't have a better answer! tho i'm equally sure you're just as disappointed i dont have a better answer...

hmmm... is this helpful? NO.

i think i'll drop this line of thought....

[13ga in reply to Catsamaze]

hi CA;

brilliant reply! well said.

are there any techniques or tricks you've used to learn how to forgive yourself?

[13ga in reply to 13ga]

having read further, CA; i guess you can ignore this...

[sunandbutterfly in reply to Catsamaze]

This is a good question. For me, the answer is knowing that I am forgiven. This week is a celebration of Jesus and His life and resurrection. Because of Jesus and His death on the cross, the things that I have done wrong are paid for in full. Therefore, the devil can no longer torment me woth the things that I have done wrong. 1 John 1:9 Says that if we admit]/accept responsibility for our sins and wrongdoing that He sill forgive us.

I would also recommend the book The Baot of Satan by John Bevere and talking with a licensed Christian counselor. Hope that helps!

[JAFOman in reply to sunandbutterfly]

Happy that religion is helping you but it's not for everyone and those can not relate to it.

[Milk_Honey]

Hi, That really is a tough thing to do. The fact that you want to and are acknowledging it means you are getting there. I have had to work on forgiving myself too, and it took therapy for me to find compassion for myself and understand why I did the things I did. Once I faced my demons and understood myself more I was able to heal. Maybe there are reasons for you that stem back to your childhood and maybe it was something you had to do to protect yourself at points...but that you don't need to do anymore. What advice would you give your child -self that lives inside of you? Would you keep punishing him? or keep nurturing him with love and understanding regardless of his flaws? We tend to be our own worst critic but one thing I know is that No one is perfect, we ALL make mistakes, Someone will hopefully understand that too. But the goal is that you won't need anyone else to accept you because you will have accepted yourself first

[Milk_Honey in reply to Milk_Honey]

Apologies if I have gone a bit deep! I just find this topic incredibly important. Not forgiving myself lead me into depression and I have hurt myself so much. But as I said I am now healing and you can too x

[13ga in reply to Milk_Honey]

MH;

i just wanna tell you - you can never go deep enough for me!!!!

no apologies - and please forgive yourself for apologizing in the first place!!!!

[JAFOman in reply to Milk_Honey]

You haven't gone to deep at all. I really want to be able to forgive myself. All I see are my failures and they are weighing me down. I realize there is no definite answer but I am looking for any advice. Thank you for yours, it does help

[Hidden]

We learn by experience in Life, it is no good over the mid to long term dwelling on what we have done, it is importand to. come to terms and moving on. We learn from our errors and adapt and accept, to move on. If we hurt someone remember you may need to say sorry and consider what you have done wrong. Remember your actions may make other people you have wronged can feel the sting more than you. Make things write

BOB

[Burntout56]

You have the power to change❤️

You have the power to forgive yourself❤️

You have the power to let things go❤️

I have struggled with trauma and was punishing myself. My spirit was crushed.

I am in a much better place now.

How?

=daily meditation.... YouTube have so many to choose from. Headphones really help me focus.

=breathing techniques- especially “belly” breathing.

=EFT Tapping with specific affirmations

=professional counselling

=learning about self compassion - so much info online that helped me and some great books. google “unpleasant emotions Dr Joan Rosenberg”

=podcasts - Mindset Mentor is my favourite. You can search “self forgiveness” or “Self compassion”

=learning to be honest with myself and explore a feeling... eg I felt “sad” - but what was making me sad?

=learning to replace my self hatred with self gratitude❤️

= I acknowledge the self-hatred thought and let it pass : “ I see you and release you”

=learning that how we perceive is how we receive. As others have commented ... it’s about how we respond to an experience.

=to keep focused on my new mindset I am happy to practice all the above every day for the rest of my life.

You have the power.

You can do it❤️

[JP8810]

God forgives completely; why shouldnt you forgive yourself as a beloved child of God.