blame

[mdwagner]

hi all, it’s been a while since my last post! I have been doing a lot better and haven’t really felt the need to write out my feelings, but today was a hard day. I have the flu and have just been so blah for days. I was wondering if anyone else struggles with blame? It seems like when I am sad or having a rough day, I always take it out on someone else (normally my boyfriend) and I don’t even realize I’m doing it until he says something. After, I feel horrible and apologize hysterically, but I cannot take back my words or actions. And it sucks, for me and for him.

thanks for reading and would love some advice!

[Hidden]

I don’t like to get involved with giving advice when it comes to relationships. I hope you feel better soon and that the flu goes away.

[fauxartist]

I thought this was an interesting read, so I posted it:

1. Blame is an excellent defence mechanism. Whether you call it projection, denial, or displacement, blame helps you preserve your sense of self-esteem by avoiding awareness of your own flaws or failings.

2. Blame is a tool we use when we’re in attack mode. Falling into the category of a destructive conflict resolution method, blame is a way to try to hurt our partners.

3. We’re not very good at figuring out the causes of other people's behavior, or even our own. The attributions we make, whether to luck or ability, can be distorted by our tendency to make illogical judgements. And we're just as bad at making judgements involving the blameworthiness of actions in terms of intent vs. outcome.

4. It’s easier to blame someone else than to accept responsibility. There’s less effort involved in recognizing your contributions to a bad situation than in accepting the fact that you're actually at fault, and changing so you don't do it again.

5. People lie. As my colleague, Robert Feldman, discovered, “Everybody lies.” It’s pretty easy just to lie and blame someone else even though you know you’re at fault. You may figure that no one will know it was really you who spilled coffee all over the break room, so you just blame someone else who’s not there (and hope that person never finds out).

Unlike other games, the more often you play the blame game, the more you lose. Learning to tell when you need to own up to your role in a bad situation will help you grow from your experiences, and ultimately help you achieve more fulfilling relationships.