Been almost 4 years now

[Jayman3]

Hi , am 29. I won’t bore anyone with my sad stories but I haven’t had the best childhood, my parents tried - I appreciate that every passing day. Parent fought a lot and I remember my mum and 7 other siblings spending the night outside- dad sent us out. He use to drink lots.

At 9, my male cousin sexually harassed me, his sister saw it but blamed me. I’ve always tried to forget.

I moved to England at 17, but life was tough as an immigrant, was being treated badly and had limited work rights and thousands to pay as fees else I will be deported. Long story... didn’t even realise I was depressed until a friend picked up on it. I tried not to be but things were tough and I had to leave the country or be illegal. My previous flatmate stole my passport and hacked my phone ...

Well today I’ve been in another country, ones I got here, immigration laws got tougher,

I worked hard but got treated badly my customers and sometimes my employers.

I hate my job but I’ve applied to literally thousands of jobs but no one gives me a job.

I met my partner, love him so much but I haven’t told him half of this story not the fact that am depressed. 3 months ago I thought of killing my self.

I look at people around me with no restrictions to live in a country and I feel like I don’t have a reason to live. I pray as much as I can but I have these voices in my head. I still work in a cafe, going in keeps me up all night . I just hate being a barista- would be 7 years and can’t do anything with my degree and am almost finishing a PhD.

Sorry for the long rant . I just don’t know what to do. Every time I call up a family all I hear is problems so I stopped calling. I don’t feel like doing anything but living with my partner at his mums house, I can’t not go to work , I pretend and smile all the time but I can’t deal with my life.

Am going to work tomorrow and my mind is not with it. I feel like death would be better

[fauxartist]

glad your sharing , please don't feel you need to be sorry, it's what this site is here for.

You know, sometimes we are depressed because we are just born with it. It's a pre-disposed condition that is a chemical imbalance and many of us fight all our lives with this disease.

Other times depression is conditional, meaning, due to circumstances not always our doing, it's what we are just subjected to in situations and conditions that make us feel depressed. Who wouldn't be depressed in your shoes. There's a lot to be said about having the security of a country you feel safe in. Having a job you can feel safe in. And being able to finish your education and do something with your life you feel good about yourself doing.

Your in a tough tough situation, and my heart goes out to you. Try and find some sort of immigration status support community help, lawyers that donate their time, people to talk to that could maybe help you get your passport situation sorted, etc.

I am glad your here sharing, sorry the family are too much into their own stuff to listen, but one thing I did hear clearly too, is the sexual harassment and how you were blamed. Those things do eat away at your self image, for years, and it's something you may also want to talk too someone about. Friends tell you what you want to hear or what they think you should hear, they mean well...but a professional will hopefully listen. I would also ask into what's available to you there.

[erin_c]

Thanks for sharing. You are not alone. I will pray for a better job for you...one relief that will help in your struggle. Keep me posted.