Just sitting here

[icDavey]

I don't know what is going on. It has been going on for years now. I'm just sitting here, surfing the internet and ignoring the the housekeeping chaos around me. I am ignoring the mile-long to do list that constantly follows me around. I ignore basic responsibilities that I know are there, but don't care to do. Why? I just can't get started. It's like the internal fire that heats my internal boiler to pump up a head of steam to build the desire and motivation to actually DO something - that fire is out. That fire used to burn so fiercely that it fueled my ADHD motor and made it damn near impossible to sit still, continuously flashing alerts about undone chores, activities and details. Now, I see vaguely through the fog passing shadows of intention. If I do get fully informed of a task to be done, it comes with a depressed "not now" that moves me on to the next moment. And I just sit here. I sit here for hours, listening to the radio and podcasts and surfing Facebook. I know I am wasting my life. I don't care enough to do anything about it.

Yet I am not in pain. I have suffered the pain of deep depression. I have been in that hole just once in my life. I am not there now. I have been medicated for the past 15 years, including episodes of "drug holidays" when I stopped and restarted. I feel like I can get out of this chair, I just really don't want to. I know it is not healthy. But it's not so bad. I'm not in pain.

I am not asking anyone what I should do because I know what to do. But medical treatment in this broken health care system means incurring another kind of pain; that is, financial. If I am not currently in pain, why should I create it for myself? Actually, I am working on admission to a free mental health clinic but my income is a little too high and I might not qualify. So I keep taking my meds even though I would like to see the prescription change. I'm stuck. And there really is nothing I can do. It is just the way life it. So, until a solution presents itself, I just sit here.

[icDavey]

Yeah. I get that feeling. I have some irons in the fire. But that feels a little like treating my symptoms in an unhealthy way. I definitely need something new in my life.

[pgseth]

I get the same way. Thank you for sharing. It's been really helpful to see other people put into words some of the symptoms I've been dealing with. Hope you get into the clinic.

[hypercat54]

Omg I could have written that exact same post. I too have a huge list of urgent things to do such as getting my boiler sorted so I can have hot water, getting my toilet leak seen to so I can leave the water on instead of having to turn it on and off.

Like you I am sitting in my chair where I spend most of my time and just haven't got the mental or physical energy to deal with anything. This has been going on for years now. If anyone has any answers please let me know too. x

[icDavey in reply to hypercat54]

Doesn't it help to know we're not alone?

I get the impression you are in the UK ("getting my boiler sorted") so I don't know what the mental health treatment picture is for you. But here in Iowa, USA we have an acknowledged crisis. Not enough psychiatrists, insurance that doesn't pay for anything and so-called professionals that have all the insight of a bag of rocks. That last part is a personal observation - LOL. I really do feel helpless and hopeless.