Will I fall or will I fly?

[arcknight]

Hi, I just signed up.

I'm sure now that I have clinical depression although I have never seen a professional about it. Mostly I have no emotions except for occasional anxiety. I know that's not healthy as most people I encounter don't seam to be in the same boat. I am at that age where everyone I know is married with kids or in a serious relationship. I assume being in a meaningful relationship and having a fulfilling job would fix the issue but I have my doubts. I have thought about suicide for at least 15 year now, the only thing holding me back is knowing how much it would hurt my family. I have a 1911 .45acp and loaded clips(hallow points) next to my bead should I ever get brave enough.

All I do is go to work, come home, drink, sleep, repeat...

I know I need to get out and live life, love will fallow, happiness will happen without me seeing it coming.

It's only at the precipice that we change, will I fall or will I fly?

[arcknight]

I will try everything I can before giving up. Suicide is always the last option because the last thing I want to do is hurt the people I care about. I'm in a hole and I'm only falling deeper, I need to survive this, not for me, but for them.

[gerrerd]

Never give up take that gun and throw it in the river, In a while you will see it was the best decision you ever made..I have clinical depression. It started 46 years ago i did,nt go to the drs for many years. Tried suicide several times. But thank God i never succeeded, Every thing in life changes of that you can be certain my friend. So go to the docters because if it is clinical depression you need medication to adjust the chemicals in your brain. On these your brain should start to work again. There is always hope for a new begining. Never ever give up life may have great things for you in the future. At the moment you are not in your correct mind, This is not a load of crap from me but a fact of my life. Things work in mysterious ways I have just been awoke at 4.30 am here in England to tell you this so do something go to your dr,s. Were there is a will there is a way. And i know there is divine inteligence behind this message. Take note there is more to these thing than we think or can think. So my friend Never ever give up. Go to my profile start to message me and i will help you with help of devine inteligence, !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ray.

[gerrerd]

Read my last few posts please before you use that bl...y gun. Ray your new friend.

[arcknight in reply to gerrerd]

Ill survive tonight... ill try harder tomorrow. The gun is to remind that I have a choice to make. Fight every minute of every day to live or finish it with one pull of the trigger. The best things in life are worth fighting for. Life is a choice, and I'v made my decision. Hell can't be worse then this, so why not try another day. When you can't feel anything pain is nothing.

[gerrerd in reply to arcknight]

Relax there is always a answer, Seek and you will find, Knock and the door will open. I,m still singing.

[gerrerd]

I,m still singing.

[gerrerd]

When you need love open your heart and I,LL be love, I,m only a heart beat away.

[gerrerd]

I,m still singing.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mz_rachel]

We are here for you. You are sooo strong and brave. We all got our issues and we all have each other. We are here for you.

[fauxartist]

I'm sorry your feeling stuck in a rut, I know that it's hard. But being a previous gun owner, and this is no statement on guns, owning one is a choice each person has, the concern I have is that it's by the bed loaded with hollow points. And the fact that you said you drink. Okay ....never should you have a loaded gun in the house. And especially if you drink. No judgement on the drinking, just sayin what I learned in my gun safety course's. Yes I took two, one for my shootgun and the other for my hand gun when I owned guns. I had a gun safe for the weapons, and NONE were EVER loaded, and a separate locked safe for the ammo. RULE number one, never drink and have a loaded gun in the house.

Please keep in mind the ripple effect of suicide, always. I have directly, as many here too been effected by this. Second, even if you don't think you have the time, make time, try to get involved with some group activity, gardening, pottery, or just playing cards. Maybe talk to a therapist most importantly about why you have a loaded gun by the bed. Please take care of yourself, your not alone, share here, or do what ever it takes.