Feel like i should feel something but i dont

[CJ2016]

So Monday ill be 30 years old, i dont have a job no kids still live with my parents.

Im a carer for my mother but also my father , my mother has a bad heart and my father has MS.

A part of me thinks by this point i should of had a decent career or be in a relationship have kids or whatever.

I feel like i should feel worried that i have nothing to really show for my life.

For example tuesday i have the dentist, now before i would be anxious as hell, as that stuff normally makes me nervous but i dont feel anything.

Dont feel bothered about it at all and the dentist is always something that has bugged me out.

The last day or two ive stuffed my face stupid, again normally i would hate my self for it, even to th point it would trigger an urge to sh.

But again i dont feel any emotion about it.

I dont feel sad i dont feel happy , i dont know am i just content, am i numb i feel pretty confused to be honest. I honestly dont know what i feel

[Mfgha6843]

Hi CJ, I can relate to some of your feelings. I am 27 years old and just recently got divorced. So I went from a stay at home mom to a single mom of 2 trying to restart a career and support myself. I currently live with my ex-in laws who are supportive which is nice, but I still feel like a loser and I’m not at all where I want to be in my life.

I would try and cut yourself some slack. I know it is hard sometimes and I just have to remind myself to take it day by day. Just start with one thing and then move to the next. No big change will happen overnight, it’ll take steps and time. I’m sure your parents appreciate you caring for them and that is not an easy job all the time. Think about what you want in life and go from there.

Sometimes I also feel so overwhelmed that I feel numb to any feelings and it’s hard to snap out of. You can do it! There is no specific criteria or things you need to accomplish by a certain age. Life moves differently for everyone and is not one size fits all. If you ever need anyone to talk to I’ll be here.

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You should try making a list of goals you want to accomplish step by step on how to work towards it. Taking care of your parents is a big deal but remember you also have your own life, try and make a plan. Starting is not easy but the results will be worth it.

[CJ2016]

Thanks guys really apperciate the replys, in terms of goals, i really dont have any, not anymore, ive stopped having dreams about this or that, having had a negative out look on everything for so long i guess my ambition has died somewhat.

I have an older brother he is married has kids etc, but i just feel like its my responsibility to look after my parents, they have told me a number of times not to let them hold me back, but i honestly would feel guilty.

As its been my responsibility for so long its all ive really known, even when i was working it was still my responsibility.

To a degree sometimes i guess i feel like my only purpose in life has been to look after my parents, once my dad became ill with MS and no longer able to walk etc, they turned to me to basically become the man of the house that was back in 07.

I guess you could say i really dont know how to live anymore, i exisit for the soul purpose of being my parents support.

In 30 years thats all there has ever been is just crazyness after crazyness, seeing all my grandparents die in a 5 year period, a cousin killing him self an uncle being sent to jail, my brother almost dying from a flesh eating bug as well as my parents having their illnesses and problems and plenty more.

And as for me i feel like i was given front row seats to watch it all unfold.

Ive self harmed(not done so in a month odd now though) i turn to food for comfort, i tend to lock my self away from the world if i can.

Ive had times where i have been fine or just had an injection of energy, during that time i just end up in the gym, and counting calories and aiming for something.

But that never lasts it will last a couple of weeks then i end up going back down the slide.

Its been like 2 years since i have had the best ever elevated mood ever and in that time i had lost 6 stone and got my self a job.

But then my mood went back down hill and anything i tried didnt work, i put the weight back on and well now there is no job again.

My moods have always been unpredictable, i have never seeked help about it, because to a degree i feel like its who i am but to another degree i also wonder if its what truly holds me back.

I dont want a label i guess i just want to feel free or just feel normalish whatever thats suppose to be.

If i do have a mental illness i do not want it to define who i am, but then if it has controlled the majority of my life then it has already defined who i am as of now.

[mysmugcat]

I think a visit to the doctor would be useful. You mention many things here low mood, suicidal thoughts, eating issues, self harm. Have you ever looked at carers support or similiar in the UK? Not everyone has children, is married etc but think about what you want obviously. You are worthwhile anyway. You cannot underestimate being a carer mentally and physically. But you must try and have some respite, hobbies, friends etc. I sometimes watch comedy to try and switch my mindset.

[CJ2016 in reply to mysmugcat]

Ive not really looked at any support because i feel that with all the problems with everyone else i have to stay sturdy.

Me and my friend are looking at going to poland in june for a week, that will.be my first time leaving the country.

Its not exactly going on a holiday because its to visit auschwitz, schindlers factory, etc it might seem grim or depressing, but i think its something everyone should see with their own two eyes not just on tv.