My fiancé left me without any explanation...this is my (long story) please help me understand things!

Hi everyone I’m new here and I’m going through a very tough time in my life.

A week ago my fiancé left me. We were together for three years. He proposed to me last April on our anniversary and I was the happiest woman on earth. I live here in Italy and he lives in Germany but the distance wasn’t a problem for us since we saw each other a lot. I would visit him and his family and he would do the same. I thought I found the love of my life. He treated me like his queen, spoiled me a lot not only with material things but he cared for me and he really showed how much he loves me.

3 months after the proposal, he told me he was a Muslim convert. I was a shocked at first and didn’t react well since I come from a very catholic family and was scared about the reaction of my family. But he assured me that he was still the same and I believed him and I didn’t want to lose him so I opened my heart and accepted this. I am not a judgemental person, I was just shocked because he told me he’s a Muslim for a long time. The fact that he lied to me all that time and telling me he was Protestant was a bad move. Because I will still fight for him. My parents accepted him after everything.

After this incident, everything was going fine. I couldn’t be happier. We spent summer together, I stayed in Germany for 2 weeks. And we continued with our life normally. But things started changing last October. We both had problems with internet that’s. Well I had a problem at first and I would stay in school until 7pm just to use the internet so we could talk because I dont want to not communicate with him since we talk everyday when he comes home from work in the afternoon and after dinner. When I got my internet back, he had problems with his internet. It was a very hard time because our communication got lesser and lesser. He was also under pressure at that time since he had exams, work, and some health issues. He started ignoring me and shutting me down for now reason. I was desperate and frustrated since I wasn’t really doing anything. I was asking him what’s wrong and to talk to me because I wanted to be there for him but he would just shut me down and he even wanted time and space for himself because he said that he knows that his behavior is affecting our relationship but he can’t do anything and has to figure out the problem by himself. He was cold to me and I was frustrated and was desperate to get answers said some hurtful things. But I didn’t want to give up and I begged him to stay and work things out (I begged him to get extra mobile data so we could talk it out because through text is had).

Everything seemed fine, he was turning to the old person I knew. He would get extra internet and talk to me everyday again. And I really really appreciate it. We even saw each other last November, which was the last time we saw each other. But things are getting different for me, I was scared that he might do the same things again so I got a little bit paranoid. He was changing again. It’s like he lost attention and he didn’t appreciate me again and didn’t make me feel important anymore. I started talking to him about what’s wrong and everything but he’s not taking me seriously and just putting me in other minds (he told me in the past that he’s not good in confronting a problem) because it was his way so there was this same unsolved problem because he never gave me an explanation and answer on how and why he did that last October). I just didn’t mind it anymore because I don’t want to argue very much and wanted to make things easier for us since I know he hates it when we have arguments.

This started falling apart the last few months of our relationship. We would argue about the same things because they were unsolved. He said he was still the same but I felt that something was wrong and when I try to talk about it, he would get it the wrong way. I have been always honest about my feelings. I told him once that I wasn’t 100% happy anymore but he never did anything about it. I just feel I lost him. It’s like we stopped growing. He’s not the person I used to know. There were times where e had normal and beautiful days and times where we were both moody.

Moving on to the last episode of our relationship, the break up. So just last week he was supposed to visit me and my family after almost a year since whenever he will come some circumstances will just show up and he would cancel the trip so I flew to Germany twice because I really wanted to see him ( he would always pay for my ticket because he said that I should save my money since I’m still a college student). The same thing happened again, he could not fly here because he has something to do with his dad and sister. I understand that but I got angry and frustrated because it’s the 4th time it happened. I didn’t even take one exam because he was coming here and he will tell me this a few days before seeing each other and said that he will just come the week after. I was really disappointed and we fought again. I had mixed emotions and I didn’t know what to think. I said some hurtful things and I’m really sorry about it. We just stopped talking that night.

The next day, when I woke up I didn’t get any message from him. (I temporarily blocked him on WhatsApp and phone so we would just calm down and not text each other) but I didn’t block me on Facebook. He just told me not to block him but I didn’t answer his message anymore since I didn’t want to say more hurtful things because I know it will hurt him more and I will also hurt myself. He even told me he would do everything not to lose me sul lstill find away to communicate with him the night we fought.

He deleted all of his social media accounts including Facebook and Instagram. (He would usually still text me in the morning on Facebook). He wouldn’t connect on WhatsApp anymore (until now) I tried texting him on iMessage calling his number but nothing. I was getting worried and I couldn’t study. I tried texting his mom and his mom told me he was fine and I told her if he can tell him to call me. We talked to each other on FaceTime and told me he broke up with him after all the things but I said last night. I told him how sorry I was and explained but he wouldn’t listen to me. He said he wanted time to think about things and I just told him i said those things out of anger and disappointment. But he wouldn’t listen. He said he just needs one day of not talking to me. I didnt sleep the whole night. The next morning I got his text and told me that he didn’t want the relationship anymore because he feels and sees aim not happy anymore too and there were so many things that happened already. I begged him to call me with a promise that we will talk about everything. It never happened. I was texting him my thoughts and begging him to stay and saying sorry from the bottom of my heart and give me another chance to be a better person and give our relationship a chance again since we are getting married. I poured my whole heart on those messages but nothing. I received an email that his FaceTime I message or WhatsApp is not working (it was weird, very weird). So I finally asked him what’s going to happen. And he just said for him it’s really over and he can’t do it anymore. Period. Not goodbyes no thank you. Nothing. Cold. And I couldn’t reach him anymore. He either blocked me or changed his number.

I feel confused and lost. I didn’t have an explanation why he really left me. He just left me with a text without any closure or whatsoever. I’m blaming myself for everything. I’m just confused how he can say he loves me and the next day leave me. How Cam he throw all the things that we shared together. I’m her confused. And the other day I found out that he made new social media accounts the same day he left me. And tried messaging him there but still blocked my messages. I just wanted closure and explanation. I’m not expecting him to come back anymore because the damage has been done. But I just want answers. I know it’s only been a week but our good memories are holding me to try to move on. He was the perfect boyfriend, we were happy but I just don’t know what happened. I just wanted him to talk to him about what he feels so we could figure it out together. We had plans -kids, house, jobs etc.. after I graduate I was moving there and now I’m lost. I thought love conquers everything. I wouldn’t have never given up on him but why did he give up on us. He would always tell me to be strong and not give up and to be patient. I know he reached his limits but an I not worth it for at least an explanation? He left me hanging. Where were his promises. I just have a lot of questions going through my head and keep blaming myself. We could have talked about it like adults but he refused and just shut me down. I know my mistakes and I’m really sorry for it but am I not worth giving a second chance?

I’m sorry guys for the long post. I hope some of you will help me or give me some advice.

[mlm1202]

Honestly, I would say just give him some space right now. Trying to contact him especially after he deleted accounts and made new ones will make things worse. If you keep trying to contact him he's going to get annoyed and then that will turn into anger. Nothing will go well from there. I know it's super hard to sit back and do nothing. Trust me, I know it's easier said than done. I'm like you, I can't leave things alone unless they are resolved. But the more I dig to try and fix things the worse they get and then I feel guilty and blame myself forever. Don't chase him. If you chase him and try and force him to talk then you will second guess what he is saying anyway. You will wonder if he is just saying that because you forced him to say it. Try and find things to keep your mind off of him. That is also another hard task because when you have been with someone that long it's hard to just forget. There are reminders everywhere. There are thoughts of plans that you had made. I was in a relationship for five years and it ended. I felt guilty about everything. We also didn't have any closure. I just got closure a few months ago and we broke up five years ago. Trust me when I say it will get better. I know it doesn't feel like it and you feel like you can't live without him. You can and you will. If you are meant to be with him, he will come back. But right now it sounds like he needs time alone. Maybe he will find out living without you is hard. But know that he might be okay without you as well. Now you have to start thinking about you. What can you do to make yourself feel better? Cry-- go ahead and cry. Scream at the top of your lungs-- sure go do that! Maybe not in a public place as people will be alarmed. Distract yourself with school. Set a goal for yourself and work like hell to accomplish it. I had to do this for a while and finally I realized that I was not happy with myself. I had lost a lot of myself during the relationship.

Good luck!! I hope things turn around for you.

[Hidden in reply to mlm1202]

Hi! Thank your advice! Well I stopped reaching out to him anymore because I can’t even do that anymore. I’m starting to accept things. It’s just I have put so much effort and love in our relationship that’s its still just shocking knowing that he’s not in my life anymore and will just leave me without any explanation. Im also sure that I will not get that closure anymore but still I’m confused on how he can throw three years together.

I will try my best to be better and I know I will be okay! I just hope it won’t take so long to move on because it’s really killing me already

[old-soul]

No need to appologize for a long post. Really, if you think about it, that's exactly what this group is for, isn't it?!

Mlm is exactly right. Chasing someone often just makes them run faster. I am sure this man is also having a lot of feelings about the whole thing too, Amnl, and given your post, it is obvious yoh are a very passionate young lady with a strong sense of your own heart and feelings. That being true, I imagine this could be why he felt the only thing he could do was to just cut communications completely. Maybe he is just on emotional overload because he doesn't WANT to hurt you, but can't help to hear that you ARE hurting in your every word, be it spoken OR written.

I don't know you, and I don't know your ex, butthrough the simple expedient of not dying, I have lived long enough to become a grumpy old man that know people, as well as about love lost. I wish it weren't true, but yes, I have lost love before too. All that being said, here is something I see as a possibility that you may want to consider . . .

It sounds to me like at one time the two of you were in love, and believed the part of you that was in love could last a lifetime, hence the reason for the engagement to be married.

It also sounds like he had some concerns that his beliefs (religious) might be a problem, and he with-held the truth from you about that. Maybe they would have been if you'd knkw right away. I don't knkw that, but the evidence seems to point to that, because were that not the case, why would he have kept that from you, telling you instead that he was Protestant, right? Still, maybe not even my point, so let me muse a little further . . .

If he is truely a good man with a good heart, what if be fell out of love with you? Being a good man with a good heart, he would still feel love for you as a human being and not want to hurt you just for the sake of hurting you, right? If that *IS* in fact that case, how do you think reading your messages, or even worse, hearing the pain in your voice will make him feel?

Maybe by just finally cutting it off all-together, he may in fact shorten the length of time you will suffer the pain too.

I could be way off on a lot of this, but one part I am NOT wrong about. If the relationship IS in fact over and done for good, the longer you make the good-bye, the more you will both suffer.

I wish you the best, Amnl. It honestly sounds to me like you need to grieve, to cry, to get angry, to go through ALL THAT STUFF, and that you need to mend your broken heart. Take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself, not try to "figure everything out," give yourself the same kind of gentle loving advice you would give your best friend if it were her instead of you going through this, and maybe most imlortantly, not try to figure out who's fault everything is.

I suspect you might understand fully if I just say, Que será, será. Also, there is a song I really like by a band called Semisonic called "Closing Time." It has always reminded me of some of my sad times and makes me feel pretry blue, but given where your at, a good cry with a song to sing along with might be good medicine.

Besides, there is a positive message in it too. "Every beginning comes from some other beginnings end."

Hang in there. Hit the books and get good grades. Why not? You're probably all numb and f'ed up half the time, and raging and pissed off the other half of the time, so what difference does it make if you torture the hell out of yourself studying your brains out and getting incredibly high marks at school? At least it's a positive way to vent the pain, right?

[Hidden in reply to old-soul]

thank you for your advice too! maybe you're right he just doesn't want to hear from me anymore because when i was begging him he didnt want to hear anything. I will always have questions in my head and sadness in my heart because i think i deserve it. He was very very angry with me the last time we talked and didn’t want to give me another chance. He knew I was hurting.

I will try to be a better person and finish my studies. I wont give up because i know this is just a struggle. I just hope that one day he will realize everything.

[old-soul]

What makes you so certain it would have been you getting another chance and not the other way around? I think you very well may already know something and might just not want to admit it to yourself. Forgive me for saying, but it actually sounds to me like his heart went somewhere else.

There are a TON of really awesome people here, so just keep coming here and talking about what you are feeling. People who get help and support are generally the ones willing to also help and support themselves as best they can at any given moment.

Hang in there, and for the love is God, don't do anything stupid, reckless or dangerous. Ok? Just go moment by moment, and just do one thing at a time. Get up. Make breakfast, and tell yourself, "I'm making breakfast, because That's all I can do in this moment. Bathe and get dressed, and tell yourself, "I am bathing, because that's the only thing I can do right now. I'm choosing the clothes I will wear today, because that is all I can do right now," and so forth.

Another tip - make lists. Make a long one as things come to mind, but also make a list of three things you intend to do, or to work toward TODAY. Do that in the morning, and keep that, "list of 3" with you throughout the day. Some days it may be all you can do to eat an egg, brush your teeth and take out the trash. I know I have those days, but I also have days when, having done all three things on that list, I write another list of 3 and finish it, and then another, and another and so forth. The point is, if I ably pit 3 things on a list, I am likely to get at least a couple of them done, and that's more success than failure.

Give it a try and let me know how it works, okay?

[Hidden in reply to old-soul]

To be honest he didn’t show any signs of unhappiness.. I’m not trying to be naive ir anything. I’m just clueless why he left after that one fight. So I really don’t know what happened to him.

Yes talking to people actually makes me feel better. Waking up is hard everyday because he’s the only person I think about unfortunately. I’m starting to think about the whole relationship one by one and learning from the mistakes I’ve made but still... he could have been honest about his feelings and worked about it because it’s what couples do.

Unfortunately some people doesn’t really know what it takes to be in a relationship and how committed they have to be to make things work. I’m just very disappointed and shocked in how it turned out. I never thought that we will arrive at this stage.

I will definitely do those things! I have set some everyday goals for me to keep me distracted. I have very mixed emotions right now and for some reason I can’t hate him.

[vanessi]

I have a similar story and which has led me to such a bad condition. I'll tell you my story

I met the love of my life more than a year ago online. I am Mexican and he is Irish. There was a great connection at the very start and kept talking for 4 or 5 months. I was depressed at that time cos i had move to another city but he brought happiness again in my life. We were so in love after some months he came over to visit me in Mexico and we spent the most amazing time, then I went to Ireland and so on. I have never been as happy as I was.

I flew to Ireland last summer, I actually "moved" but due some immigration rules i had to come back to my country. We were engaged, with many plans ahead.

I came back in November and we both made the plan I was going back this Feb. I was gonna get and studying and working visa and then live there and obvs get married

When I came back I became very needy and I felt he was not giving me attention, I felt he was being distant and indifferent and started having arguments. One day I was so fed up of the situation and we had a big argument, after that everything ended. I begged him cos I wanted to fix things and even now I don't know what happened.

First I thought it was my fault because I started the argument and I felt guilty and apologised, then he said it was nothing to do with me, that I was so nice and the best thing for him but he felt negative about us, I asked him if he felt nervous or worried about the commitment of me moving to another country and he said he missed me so much but he couldn't be with me

Then he said it was the age difference, he is 36 and I am 23. He never had a problem with that but then he said he felt we were on different page and he would be stopping me to have a successful life, I didn't agree cos I loved him and wanted to share my life no matter what.

All this I mentioned was talked in December, we kept having contact: Skype, WhatsApp, Facebook. But sometimes when he finished work I texted him and tried to be nice and lovely so he could feel the same but he ignored my messages and he was online. Sometimes didn't talk to me for weeks.

On New Year's Eve he texted me "we should talk if you want" I thought it was an opportunity to be together again but he only said he loved me, missed me and wanted to hear my voice and that I am the best for him but could not be with me AGAIN.

I get tired of the situation, and was hurting me so much when he didn't talk to me, when he was out with his friends while I was crying at home so for my good and health I decided to block him.

That was the last time I knew smth about him, he asked me to call me at the other day and keep in touch but I couldn't. It was a very important decision so I closed my social media and blocked him on WhatsApp cos as I said I was hurting and was making me feel worse. He emailed me a month ago saying he missed me so much but i didn't reply because it was pointless.

It has been a tough time, i haven't recovered and I wish I could have my old life back when I was so happy. I still love him and this has led me to a bad mental and health condition.

All the memories come to my head, the promises, dreams and plans and there is no day I don't miss him. I still thinking he is the love of my life. I will have to talk to him soon cos I have some stuff at his place and he has to send them over but I'm not ready yet.

Long distance relationships are hard and you need to be committed. And in my case time difference is very hard to handle.

My only advice is to worry about you, it is gonna be hard cos for me it is still a nightmare. He was not a guy I was dating, he was gonna be my husband now he's gone and don't know anything about him. Worry about yourself, be nice to you, keep strong!!

I invite you to read some of my post so you will know more about my process, my condition and how hard is for me.

Hope you realise there are people with the same issues. I feel your pain and understand you perfectly. I send you a hug xxxx

[Hidden in reply to vanessi]

im sorry to hear everything...we have pretty much the same situation.. its really very hard and i really am having a hard time coping up with the situation..im actually very depressed right now...

[vanessi in reply to Hidden]

I've always been depressed since the breakup. I hope you can have peace very soon. At the moment I don't know how to deal with my depression either