Please help

[crazy_feeling_momma]

Hi this little cutie is my baby DeAnn she suffers from several different issues but lately anxiety is getting the better of her an as a single mom I have no idea what to do to make it easier for her if anyone can help I'm open for any advice I can get

[Janieliza]

Yes she is a cutie, you are absolutely right there. Having a child with anxiety is heartbreaking. I know...ohhh I know this more than you realise. My daughter is now 13 with autism, born with 2 rare syndromes(1 has the facial differences so she looks similar to a child with downs syndrome) she is partially deaf and has only 10% hearing left in one ear..learning difficulties also...so when she was bullied for 17 months and anxiety started I didn't know what to do. I fought it for decades and altho I'm out of it I knew my daughter was in the darkness where I'd been. The best thing you can do is reassure her. I know that sounds obvious right? Actually the things you say can make a huge difference. Please may I ask if you have got her professional help?. If not....please do. Children can take this into adulthood so often if a pro can get involved then it doesn't 'nip it in the bud' that's a myth but it gives them tools to be able to use later on to cope with it if...IF it returns. Please be assured that it doesn't always return. If this isn't possible(depending on where you live in the world...it isn't always) I'll hopefully be able to help you help her. Forgive my next question...im only asking to then move forward I don't mean to be nosey. Is there anything happening at home or school that you've noticed that has changed her...even something minute?. There doesn't have to be any reason for a child to develop anxiety..often peer pressure in society is quite enough, how they view themselves and also the pressure to succeed. I had someone who's child would beat herself up(emotionally) because she wasn't succeeding academically(she was 12). Her mother was at an all time low bcas she didn't want to be here anymore, she ended up with palpitations every time she was stressed. The mother took all advice like she was being knocked as a mother and that in turn would reflect onto her daughter...and the palps returned. The mother had to look at herself actually and she was the reason in the end that her child was wanting to succeed and be the best above everyone. That girl has just turned 18 and is absolutely fine...she didn't pass all her exams and let me know. So proud of her. Sorry I've wandered off there...my point being there are so many reasons. Have you thought of a 'worry plate'. Get a plate(not a little one) decorate it(with your daughter if you can) and have some pieces of paper on there with a pen. Put it somewhere near her bedroom where you both can get it and tell her when she's worried...if she can't say it...to write it and put it on the worry plate...you will then either write a reply or indeed speak to her(take her lead on that) even though we like to think our children can tell us everything...with anxiety it's often too hard bcas of the emotions, they worry about upsetting us, they worry it's trivial..so a plate is neutral. It worked brilliantly for me and lulu(my daughter) started to open up more. Breathing...sounds so obvious doesn't it? Ahh well there are certain techniques used that will calm her when she's anxious. For adults I usually say breathe in thro the nose and count to 4 and out thro the mouth to 8. With a child the same but count to 3 ie. 1 dot dot 2 dot dot 3 dot dot(mentally say dot dot) then out thro her mouth 4 dot dot 5 dot dot 6 dot dot. If this is too long then use the same method but use one dot rather than 2. Distraction next. If she likes drawing or writing....ask her to draw how she feels. Lulu began with quite dark pictures but in time a smile returned and not just on the pics. You know your child more than anyone...your reassurance of 'I'm here, I've got you' works wonders as it's such a lonely place to be. If she's lacking confidence....confidence building exercises are fantastic....try and tackle the anxiety and everything else I hope will follow. This is an awful time for her right now and she needs to feel she's not on her own...yet if she needs space...get her to write on that worry plate. She may not like the idea at first so if that's the case...still do it and just leave it there...you never know. If all else fails a professional is good at getting to the root cause(as I said earlier...it may just be bcas bcas and not one specific reason)...she may need prof help. Look at her diet also. Coke and sodas are tasty yes but packed full of nasties....sugar highs are great but the lows aren't. I'm just thinking of things that will help for now. Just be there for her and follow her lead...its horrific for you to go thro so don't forget to look after you also!. I hope you get on alright and I send my hugs to you both. Take care. Janie

[crazy_feeling_momma in reply to Janieliza]

Yes we just start Zoloft it is now a list of six meds I struggle right along with her she has ADHD an oppositional mood disorder we have done the hospital thing an a bucket list of meds an an different types of counciling an nothing really seems to work she is constantly mood shifting an it's hard to keep up an things she should be afraid of she isn't but if sees a spider she's freaking out we have been through alot

[Janieliza in reply to crazy_feeling_momma]

Gosh yes there's such alot isn't there? There's no easy answer is there? I didn't go down the meds route purely bcas lulu couldn't take most of them due to her syndromes so keeping her calm was hard work. It takes her hours to calm....and I mean 4/5. Infact the school disputed this so I videoed it as they hadn't a clue what it entails. They don't put this in a text book...every child is different...and every parent also. What works for me may not work for you. It's trial and error almost isn't it. ADHD is one of those that unless you are there...its hard to describe daily life. I know about adult adhd more than child but the basics(I'm not saying that in an offensive way) are the same. I didn't realise what you had been through professionally as you didn't mention it so my apologies for advising. If you don't feel anything's working...you need to put your foot down. Doctors aren't with your child 24/7 and you are. Observing them I truly believe(and know) yes gives them a little idea of where they are going with future treatment but the only one who truly knows...is you and her(and whoever else is involved on a daily basis) and I fear some doctors don't listen to us parents. When a child can't communicate very well for whatever reason and they are being asked questions...it can be overwhelming for them. Lulu holds on to things...for instance 3 years ago there was an incident at school and the boy who bullies her pushed her down some steps. 3 years later she still has panic attacks about those steps and will talk about it constantly(alongside everything else that's happened). Telling this to the doctor was frustrating for her bcas she kept saying "that was then...this is now...youve got to let it go". You cannot tell a child with special needs or other issues to let it go....wrong!!. They can't...thats the problem and no amount of help will change their thinking pattern. Have you tried things like cognitive classes, there's also another exercise that helps with rearranging the way they see things and helps them put 'trauma' thoughts ie..a spider into perspective. Because their thoughts can't do this...so like when they were babies..it almost has to be learnt again. I'm overly happy to help you should you need it and I can probably find some useful tools for you to try and links that we have here in Britain that may not be there..im not saying they are better...no no, it's just something that if you haven't seen them(which bless you you probably have the t shirt) you could try. I'm sorry I'm not much help. Janie

[crazy_feeling_momma in reply to Janieliza]

I'm willing to take any help I get it seems the older she gets the worse everything gets

[Janieliza in reply to crazy_feeling_momma]

I'll send you some stuff to read when you are able....i think what brandy said is actually a great idea...try a walk with her and casually push a little. You will know whether she's open to taking it further as you know her body language. Talking of body language..ill find some things that children often do when becoming anxious(not the obvious ones)..when I realised I managed to stop a panic attack before it started. This isn't going to be an overnight journey lovely..you already know that and yes as they grow and the pressure builds..they can change. We are here for you...remember that. You need the support also to be able to give 100% to her. I'm not saying you don't anyway but I meant it's wonderful to be able to simply come here and say "I've had a bad day" or "I just need someone to talk to" we will be here for you. Every person I know on here...is overly supportive and care so you don't feel alone in supporting your daughter. You'll get there it's just a long tiring road isn't it? You would take this away from her in a heartbeat if you could...i know, I know. xx

[crazy_feeling_momma in reply to Janieliza]

I have been trying to find a safe way to get her out walking again I am just trying to figure out a safe way she likes to run away an terrorize the clerk's at the gas station then I have to bribe her to come home with me

[xobrandy211xo]

I'm sure you're busy during the day but maybe the time before or after dinner take a walk around your neighborhood with her. Being able to freely talk about things while walking is a great way to shake off anxiety. Hope y'all can get a handle on it. I'd hate to see a young girl having to suffer with this debilitating condition. Hugs 💜

[crazy_feeling_momma]

I was doing that until she started taking off on me an to be honest the cops were useless I've tried natural things to ummm honestly she got a x box 360 for Xmas an it has actually helped except she wants to now be alone in her room so I'm at catch 22

[xobrandy211xo in reply to crazy_feeling_momma]

Yeah that's tough but just remember you're the parent. Kids need tough love too; have her Xbox play time limited1-2 hours after homework 2-3 times a week, sounds fair! Every night include a game, craft, movie, healthy snack ect as a family everyone can get involved in, start conversations. Then you can figure out solutions together. I know it's a struggle but if you're consistent things should get better over time. I'm sure you're doing great as a mom!

[crazy_feeling_momma]

You are so right an thanks she is a tough kid to figure out she never stick to anything for very long the most she can stand to play Xbox is 20 min an that's pushing it then she's of doing something else