Im 23 years old. I have 2 beautiful baby boys. There daddy has anger problems. My sons are 17 months and 7 days old. I have cps in my life because of my boys father. They dont want him around. So I left him. Im on track to getting my boys home with me and im so happy. . but im not happy all the time. Im not even happy often. When my children and I are together im on top of the world. Any time in between is a deep dark hole of crippling depression. I am suffering severely from PPD and healing from giving birth currently. I suffer from ptsd due to my abusive relationship. I've suffered head trtraumfrom abuse which results in me having short term memory loss issues.. My depression makes me feel hopeless and numb and dead inside. Im unmotivated to do anything even live. The scary feeling of not wanting to wake up in the morning. All the while know I DO want to wake up. Because I miss my boys . I love my children. They are the reason I breath. The reason I fight. My reason to live. My purpose. My strength. My happiness! Im excited to succeed and I can't wait. Yet I curl in a ball on the bathroom floor until my eyes hurt and swell. I cry out in pain in the shower. My body aches. I am lonely. I miss the idea of my family. I feel alone. I am alone. Until my boys are home. . But right now.. Im so alone.. Waiting for that silver lining . just dying and suffering in sadness and hopelessness every second of every day until then.