Im 23 years old. I have 2 beautiful baby boys. There daddy has anger problems. My sons are 17 months and 7 days old. I have cps in my life because of my boys father. They dont want him around. So I left him. Im on track to getting my boys home with me and im so happy. . but im not happy all the time. Im not even happy often. When my children and I are together im on top of the world. Any time in between is a deep dark hole of crippling depression. I am suffering severely from PPD and healing from giving birth currently. I suffer from ptsd due to my abusive relationship. I've suffered head trtraumfrom abuse which results in me having short term memory loss issues.. My depression makes me feel hopeless and numb and dead inside. Im unmotivated to do anything even live. The scary feeling of not wanting to wake up in the morning. All the while know I DO want to wake up. Because I miss my boys . I love my children. They are the reason I breath. The reason I fight. My reason to live. My purpose. My strength. My happiness! Im excited to succeed and I can't wait. Yet I curl in a ball on the bathroom floor until my eyes hurt and swell. I cry out in pain in the shower. My body aches. I am lonely. I miss the idea of my family. I feel alone. I am alone. Until my boys are home. . But right now.. Im so alone.. Waiting for that silver lining . just dying and suffering in sadness and hopelessness every second of every day until then.
-MOMOF2BOYZ-
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Momof2boyz
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Let me just get this message across, you are so strong to go through what you went through and don’t let anyone else tell you differently. You are not alone, you have two amazing boys who love you so much so don’t give up. Each morning fight your depression and get out of bed because they need you!!!
I know I will be happier with my children. And I need them just as much as they need me i can see that so clearly now.. But im afraid and alone. I lack people to reach out to when things get dark for me and I want to end it. But I really dont want to die. I just want my children happiness and some peace.. I just feel the pain is never ending
I cannot imagine what you are going through, you have been through so much so young. I have only recently experienced severe depression for the first time in my 71 years and it is the scariest thing. I want you to focus on the fact that you are young, you have the rest of your life before you. You have made the first step by letting go of your abusive relationship which takes a lot of courage, don’t go back there! Focus on your boys, they need you to be strong, take each day as it comes, one day at a time. Try to get some help from counselling or CBT, get out every day, do something nice for yourself or for someone else. Concentrate on getting your boys home with you and think about the happiness that will bring you. Be strong. Best wishes.
I just dont feel brave or courageous. I feel guilt and shame and sadness. I am trying so hard. I see a counselor and a psych. Im in a coping skills group. I take zoloft for how depressed I am.. But its never ending.. Im fighting every day to want to live so I can finally be with my children again...
Do you have any family member who is there for you, such as your mom or a sister or aunt? Is there someone you can turn to? I wish for you a loving and caring friend who can be there, someone who can put their arms around your shoulders and help to hold you up. You will get through this and feel better. Don't give up! I'm sorry that it is so hard.
I think it makes it 100x harder that I dont have anyone. Its been me and my kids father for years.. I feel so alone now with all my sadness. Coping has proved to be nearly imposdible
The world is a big place. Surely there is one caring woman with a motherly heart who would welcome you into her life and offer you support. I suggest going to church where you feel safe and asking to talk with the pastor privately. Then, express your need. Ask if the pastor would recommend a caring person who could be a mentor to you. Ask the pastor to facilitate a meeting with the mentor. There may be someone 50 or 60 or 70 who is a strong woman with a heart for others and who would enjoy reaching out to you and your boys. When I was in my early 20s, I was single and alone and depressed. For seven years I leaned on my neighbor who was 47 years older than I. She was wise and caring. We ate supper together about three times a week and talked and laughed. I learned so much from her. There are people like this out there who do care and would care if they knew your need. I am 59 years old now and married. Still, I always keep my eye open for young people who are struggling and whenever it seems appropriate, I reach out with a kind word and smile, etc. Best wishes to you!
You ARE brave though and your post is beautifully filled with love for your boys. I love it. You are doing all the right things. Continue to be strong.
Im so sorry the depression gets so deep. I can relate. I have three boys and I love them more than anything but I feel so much guilt when i sink low and wish to die; its horrible and I can't help it...
We keep up hope because things do get better and we keep up no matter what because of our precious children.
Thank you. It feels good to talk about my children . so relieving. And I do feel so guilty when I get low . but how much I love them makes me try and makes me want to live. Its helpful to know people relate to me and my feelings. . im so worried people will judge me as a bad mother. Im doing everything im supposed to do. Everything I can do. Sometimes it feels not enough for other people. I hope to rise from this soon. And be genuinely happy again.
Yes it makes me feel good to talk about my kids too. I too think that people think i am not enough but i do so much, all i can. We have to trust ourselves and tell ourselves we are enough.
I believe you will be genuinely happy. I think part of you already is.
I believe so too. Just wish I could survive each day a little easier. And im sure that you are enough and everything you do is worth it even if it doesn't feel appreciated. Its so tiring to feel that way so often. But I think for me and most parents who are depressed we stay so busy on purpose.
True we stay busy to get out of our heads, well sometimes that works.yes, easier getting through the days would be nice. Cherish and record or recall the good times since the bad days we can forget.
Yeah staying busy only does so much. Only 24 hour in a day and it feels like a life time of sadness when ever there are any moments left to myself. I can only hope for the both of us the making it through the days do get easier. We can feel accomplished and important again. Worth while. I can't wait for those days
My sister is very ill and in hospice care. I visit her every day. She has an incurable, horrible degenerative brain disease called progressive supranuclear palsy (PSP). She is 7 1/2 years younger than me. My husand and I are exhausted. She has been in a nursing home since July 2017, eleven months after she was diagnosed. She was deteriorating in health since August 2013, but no one knew what caused her to lose so much weight, endure chronic pain, and act and think in strange ways. I have tried so hard to help her family. I don't know how to relate to my niece and nephew (ages 18 and 21). We're all grieving. It's so hard for them to visit their mom. Their dad visits her at suppertime. She is bed-ridden and cannot walk or even move her legs on her own or sit or stand. I feel as if my niece and nephew have forgotten how much I've loved them and been there for them since each was one day old. We live only 10 blocks away from each other. I miss my sister, who she was and how she was. She is so depressed. I have been treated for depression since 1984. I've been primarily healthy since 1992--although with many ups and downs. I don't feel supported emotionally. I am quite angry at God.
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