Running away

[JadeRaye]

I wake up this morning, hearing my one year old cry through the monitor . It's 8am it's time to get up and start the day. I look over at my husband sleeping next to me , jealous. Even though he let me sleep in yesterday on his day off from work. The morning is when my depression and anxiety are the worst. If it wasn't for taking care of my son, all I would do is sleep and lay in bed. And I'm going to be completely honest here, some days I resent him for making me get up and just take care of him. And I hate myself for it. Motherhood is supposed to bring happiness and joy. And while I love my son more than anything, having to care for him and meet his demands ( of course because he's only one ) is draining on me. And I think about suicide on a daily basis. I would never do it but I do think about it constantly . I miss the days where before I had my son all I had to take care of was myself . I miss waking up late on my days off from work and just doing what I want to do. And I feel extremely guilty feeling like this. I'm only 27 and have it fairly good . I should be happy . I shouldn't feel this way

[Sushi33]

Don't feel guilty. You have every right to feel how you feel with or without a "valid" reason. Depression doesn't just plague people who have "horrible" lives. It doesn't discriminate. I know your son is 1 now, but have you ever seen a doctor about possible postpartum depression? It takes a year or more for hormones to level off and get back to normal after child birth. That could be a contributing factor to your situation. Hope this helps some.

[JadeRaye in reply to Sushi33]

Thanks for listening ! And yes I have seen my primary care physician and I first tried Zoloft and then when that was making me too exhausted , they switched me to Prozac. It's definitely helping but I still have my days where it doesn't fix everything .

[Sushi33 in reply to JadeRaye]

And unfortunately meds won't fix it all. I really wish there was a magic pill that could just kill the depression and anxiety for good. I'm glad you're keeping your doctor informed of how you are feeling. I come from an area of the country where mental illness is still not discussed and too many people suffer in silence. I'm glad there are groups out there like this because friends who don't have these sort of issue can be supportive, but don't truly understand. So I get it and hope we can all be here for each other.

[Windy101]

Sometimes it takes a few tries to get the meds right. If you're thinking about suicide daily, I think you can find something better. My suggestion is to talk to your doc again or try a different doctor who specializes in post-partum. Maybe your husband can pitch in a little more until you're feeling better, or some family members.

I'd also check to see if there's any kind of post-partum mom's support group in your area. Your local crisis line can tell you. Having others to talk to could really help.

Sometimes we have to really reach out and advocate for ourselves until we feel better. And yes, there will be days when we feel worse than others, but you do not have to feel suicidal daily. For your sake and your baby's, I urge you to keep trying until you feel better.

Meanwhile, you have friends here who care and understand. I will be thinking of you and sending prayers and warm wishes your way. Being a mom is not easy, but it does not have to be this hard. Warm thoughts to you, dear girl!

[JadeRaye in reply to Windy101]

Thank you so much for your understanding and thoughtful response . My problem is that I have horrible social anxiety so talking to people even my doctor isn't my strong suit.

[Windy101 in reply to JadeRaye]

I know. I totally understand. But I hope you push yourself to do it anyway. Your doctor should understand your social anxiety - after all, that's part of the reason you're calling for help. I've never been judged by a doctor about meds - so many people are on them that I don't think they feel it's strange at all. Good luck and hope you can bring yourself to make that call!

[lil-rose]

I had postpartum depression and tried different meds and ended up with Prozac too. It could just be a dose adjustment issue, at higher doses Prozac helps different things. I had bad thoughts toward the baby and it was really scary. I'm sorry you are going through this, it does steal your joy and you have to fight to get it back. Meds, support groups, a mothers helper, house cleaning help, spirituality, exercise, sunlight...try as many as you can.

[JadeRaye in reply to lil-rose]

If you don't mind me asking I know it's personal are you on 20mg of Prozac or more? I'm afraid to go up because at some point I don't want to take it at all and I feel like if I go up it will be harder to come off. And yes I have to get out of my rut and try some new things even if they are scary to me.

[lil-rose in reply to JadeRaye]

I worked my way up to 70 mg. I have OCD (I didn't know it at the time and was diagnosed through all of this) and the bad thoughts I had they thought could have been OCD but they called it pure O which they said was either just obsessive thoughts or obsessive thoughts with mental compulsions. I went from my OB, to a mental health NP then finally to a psychiatrist before I got relief. He eventually added concerta and I was able to go off of the Prozac no problem at all. I can tell you I had good depression relief overall when I tried Paxil (about 6 months before I got to the psychiatrist) but it was torture coming off of that, I had electric shock sensations in addition to feeling awful lol, and it didn't get at the bad thoughts. In hindsight, I think some of the depression was from undiagnosed untreated OCD, and ADHD (which all just felt like anxiety to me) and the pregnancy hormones changed my brain Chemistry enough to magnify it to the point it couldn't be ignored. With my first the PPD looked like hypervigalance and anxiety, I had bad thoughts but they were related to accidents (I didn't get on meds until after my second) and with my second everything was about 10x worse and I was scared to be alone with the baby, the bad thoughts were not accidents, and were triggered by random everyday objects. Thankfully I had family support and good medical care easily available. I did join a PP support group and saw a psychologist as well. It was serious work to even get motivated and everything in place to get out the door, everything I did was calculated by the amount of work and leaving the house was so hard I remember once when I was supposed to meet a friend I asked her to meet me at the house to help me get the kids into the car.

Anyway, there is hope and help, and I went on to have kids without PPD, but I couldn't have done that without being more aware and proactive about mental health. Feel free to PM me if you want to. Hugs!

[AnxietyAtAllSeconds in reply to lil-rose]

Hello I know this was an old post but I would like to pick your brain on some stuff if you can. I’m just at my wits end here reaching out to anyone that can help me through this. I feel so isolated and alone and yet I don’t have it in me to actually socialize because I have social anxiety too plus the PPD. please reply if you get this thank you

[StruggleBusSAHM]

Having a pregnancy changes your hormones permenantly. If you have these feelings all of the time it’s possible it is post partum. I feel similar discontent of getting up in the middle of the night, getting up early, and every tantrum is with me because my husband works ridiculous hours. Sometimes I put a bottle in his hand say your turn. Hang in there you can do this! You should talk to a doctor thoughts of Suicide are never good.