Coping With a First-Time Breakup

[ArtHeals]

Hi everyone, I hope you are all having a manageable New Year.

So, to set the stage, I have not officially broken up with my boyfriend yet, but I have been preparing myself for it to happen. We have been on poor terms for many years and it is just time for me to move along.

We have been together for 7 years and he is my first boyfriend. We met in college my freshman, his sophomore year and have been together ever since. Obviously, after that long period of time, I have changed emotionally and have set higher standards for myself and have growing confusion on my sexuality that I feel like I have never had the chance to explore because of my early dating situation.

Ironically, I have a degree in counseling and art therapy, but boy is it hard to give therapy to yourself haha. I have struggled with severe anxiety (unmedicated) for 24 years. What I would like feedback on from others who have had experience with breakups or divorce is how to gain your independence back? How do you cope? What do you do with all of the old photos and "stuff" you have accumulated over the years that reminds you of the other person? How do you move on and when did you know you have moved on? How soon after did you begin dating again, if at all?

Thank you so much for your support! I am very grateful for this space!

[herenowgonesoon]

It is more intuitive than you may think. It sounds like you are already very rational and mature. This is only an opinion, but besides the "detox" period. I can't quote an amount of time that you do not look at pictures, try to be friends with, hang out with, or engage in any rumination about the relationship (if you catch yourself try to stop). I think the detox is essential because until it was over I have felt unable to make a decision based on who I am and who I want to be. Either Dear Ann or Abby (I can't remember which) said it takes one month for each year to get through a post breakup and back to your "old self".

More opinions, I think you only figure out who you are, what you want, who you want to be in a romantic relationship with (regardless of gender, etc.) after plenty of time alone. This keeps you from considering others' feelings about who you are or who they want you to be...

This time alone scares some people, but I always thought about how free I was to do anything I wanted. This helped me to enjoy it very much.

I also have felt it was beneficial not to get into a relationship for as long as possible. You learn independence thoroughly with practice! This also keeps you open and aware while getting acquainted with new people what their qualities are and if they match your criteria for a possible romantic partner. Get to know them well before being romantic.

These strategies have worked for me in the past, hopefully some or one but can work for you. Best wishes and positively framing this as a new era of unlimited freedom and opportunities never hurts!