Meeting with my ex for first time aft... - Anxiety and Depre...

Anxiety and Depression Support
43,824 members45,550 posts

Meeting with my ex for first time after breakup - bad idea?

matt17
matt17

Hey guys just looking for some advice on something.

A little background. So my ex and I broke up about a month ago. I was feeling like our relationship had been kind of going downhill for a while and I sort of fell out of love. She was still in love with me though. I felt horrible.

She asked if we could meet up and talk about some things... not much context aside from that. Do you guys think it would be a bad idea? How can I prepare for this?

Thank you and much love ❤️

21 Replies
oldestnewest
Hidden
Hidden

I think the question really is do you want to meet up & talk about things? I mean, what is there really to talk about? You broke it off a month ago. That’s girl code for she wants to try to get back together lol. I’ve had many friends use that line. Either way, I wish you the best of luck! Stay strong! Xoxo

matt17
matt17
in reply to Hidden

Interesting... This really stresses me out 😔 I guess I just want to tell her that it wasn’t her fault... And I guess I just want to be friends again. Is that too much to ask? Would that be sending her the wrong signals? Maybe it’s too soon?

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to matt17

I can imagine that it would. I’ve never been in that situation, because two past relationships I’ve been in, I never wanted to talk it out & be friends again.

Do you think being friends is really a good thing? Do you want to keep this person in your life?

You just have to make it known that you don’t want to be with her anymore. I’m not sure if being just friends with someone when they are still in love with you can work out well. I do hope it works out though. Xoxoxo

matt17
matt17
in reply to Hidden

Thank you DeterminedMermaid. You have given me some good insight and some good questions to ask myself. I’m definitely going to ponder this. Thank you 😊

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to matt17

You’re totally welcome! I’m just a girl around your age, so I know! Hehehe! Good luck either way! You deserve to start the new year with no added stress or drama! Xoxoxo

I think closure would be a good thing.... and make it clear that is your intention with meeting with her. Have lunch in an open cafe and keep things casual. Don't re-hash what went wrong or give her any hope things will get back as they were. Just acknowledge your feelings without blame or judgement...keep it fair and kind.....and then walk away knowing you ended things well.

matt17
matt17
in reply to fauxartist

Thanks faux... I guess up to this point I wasn’t really sure what I wanted. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get back together or not. I miss the connection. I really do. But now I think it’s clear to me that I’ve already made up my mind, just based on my inner thoughts and through responses like yours... Faux, I think you see right through me. We both need closure right now. Thank you for your insight. ☺️

P.S. I really liked your post about relationships and loneliness. Your point about loving ourselves first is a very important idea. Thank you 😊

fauxartist
fauxartist
in reply to matt17

I'm glad your getting some clarity to make the right decision for both of you, after all , you did love them at one time....so this is just the right thing to do in the kindest way. And very admirable to me that your making this effort, it's a good guy thing to do.

And I'm glad you liked my post matt..thank you.

I had an ex do the same, and I had to ask myself if I really wanted that or if it would just put me back into a negative situation. If you want to have closure or you feel like meeting in person would benefit you, do it, but if your gut is telling you otherwise, I’d listen to it.

Thanks for the reply. You’re right - I think I have to listen to my gut...... and I think it’s telling me not to do it...

Hidden
Hidden

I would say if you’re not interested in starting things up again it’s probably a bad idea. It might give her false hope of you may feel guilty and agree to give it another go, then end up in the same situation.

matt17
matt17
in reply to Hidden

Good point. I guess I just really didn’t see that perspective. I definitely don’t want to give her any false hope because that would be worse for the both of us..

I think faux has given you excellent advice. Only meet your ex if you believe that some good can come of it, not out of guilt or pity. She might not fully understand why you broke up so talking to her about it could provide her with some much needed closure and help her move on with her life.

However, I also agree with what mermaid said about your ex possibly having false hope if you agree to meet up, so letting her know in advance, in the kindest way possible, that closure is the purpose of the conversation. That way she shouldn't get all dressed up and get her hair and nails done, then feel unattractive or rejected or heartbroken all over again when she realises you don't want to get back together. There's a little insight into the female brain for you!

Try to choose somewhere public that isn't known for couples to go for romantic get togethers or anywhere the two of you went to together often. Take care not to flirt or give her false hope in any way. As for remaining friends, again don't agree to anything because you feel bad for her. I've tried to stay friends with my exes but in my experience it's really difficult if one still has feelings for the other. That's not to say it's impossible, just that sometimes it's a nice idea but easier said than done in reality.

Whatever you decide, I hope it's a positive thing for both of you x

matt17
matt17
in reply to rach1402

Thank you for the detailed response rach1402. It’s really good to get the female perspective on this one. I hadn’t even thought about the fact that maybe she would need a bit of a heads up beforehand.

One of my big points of agreeing to this meet-up was to tell her that it wasn’t her fault that the relationship ended... because when we broke up, I gave her some reasons why I felt like the relationship wasn’t working for me, and it was a bit one sided in the heat of the moment. Not accusatory per se, but more like “I don’t like it when you...”

Now I’m second guessing myself. Am I just pitying her? Or is this something I need to do? It’s so complicated it hurts 😓 any advice in this regard?

Kay8901
Kay8901
in reply to matt17

I think you need to be completely honest with her ... And give her complete closure.. and don't give her the slightest bit of hope of getting back together at all if that's what you truely don't want. I think she needs closure, though. I think it will help her move on alittle better.

rach1402
rach1402
in reply to matt17

Aww sorry I didn't mean to confuse you! It's difficult for me to say whether or not it's the right thing to do cos I don't really know much about the situation or your ex. You seem like an open book and a sensitive soul so I'm sure you'll do the right thing, just make sure she knows where she stands from the off and don't agree to anything that doesn't sit right with you just because you feel bad for breaking up with her. You did the right thing to be honest with her about how you feel, it's not like you kept her hanging on. With time, she'll probably be grateful for that and closure could well help with that. But it's different for everyone and you know her so my advice like everyone else's is just food for thought really and it's up to you to do what you think is best. Sorry I know that's vague, I just don't want to steer you in one direction or the other in case it turns out to do more harm than good. Just trying to point out a few factors that might not have crossed your mind x

matt17
matt17
in reply to rach1402

Yes I appreciate that. Lol yeah it’s tough. I really appreciate your thoughts. You give me some really good things to think about. Food for thought for sure! Which is really what helps me in these situations. Thank you so much ☺️

rach1402
rach1402
in reply to matt17

No worries, that's what we're here for x

It could probably create a false hope for your ex that you two will get back together if you meet up with her. I also don't think friendship is a great idea so soon after the breakup (it probably seems harmless to you but she probably wouldn't be able to handle that). I say all that as someone who has tried (and failed miserably in most cases) to maintain a friendships with exes. You have to give some time and space (longer than a month IMO) for things to settle and if she still wants closure or friendship after that you can go from there. Just my 2 cents.. good luck with whatever you decide!

To all that helped give me advice - thank you so much 😊😊👍🏼 my ex and I actually talked this morning and it went really well! I made sure that I didn’t give her any false hope that we were going to get back together and she was actually really receptive of that. I told her that I still needed some time and I think she was understanding of that too. So all in all it went great. We actually shared a few laughs too. And I owe it all to you guys helping me stay on track! Thanks you!!

Do you still love her and want to try again with your relationship? Whatever you decide I hope it goes well

You may also like...