I'm new here

[deannaw]

I've been dealing with mental illness since I was about 16 years old. It's been 4 years and I still wake up wanting to not exist. Most days I don't even feel like a person. Some days are easier than most but some days are just really bad. Today I decided to look up painless ways to die and I'm really happy I came across this site. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in how I feel.

[Aiden1996]

I know exactly how you feel. Most of the time I feel like an alien, on the outside of humanity looking on but never actually being a part of it. Maybe I'm not as alone as I thought here

[deannaw in reply to Aiden1996]

That's honestly how I feel all the time. I feel like I'm living life through the eyes of someone else. I don't even know what feeling like "me" would be like anymore

[Aiden1996 in reply to deannaw]

Unfortunately understood. I've lost all contact with the world and I can feel it constricting me. It's like I'm choking for air but my depression just causes me to lose myself

[deannaw in reply to Aiden1996]

I never leave my apartment except when I go to work. I've isolated myself from everyone besides my best friend but she lives hours away from me. Sometimes I just never know what to do with myself. Sometimes I really feel like a wasted sorry excuse for a human

[Ddorne]

Deanaww, I am so sorry you are going through this. I had those sensations when I was 19 and clinically depressed. I am 60 now and depression comes and goes, but nothing like the first time. You sound pretty young. I'm sure you're on meds and seeing a therapist. You know the combination really can help. Please don't harm yourself. You can get better, it's true even if you don't feel like you can. Write back please. This is a great site, people really respond. I know the scary feelings well.

LD

[KathysKid2016]

Deannaw, I am sincerely sorry for your struggles. But, know that you are special, unique, and important in this world. You are a gift from God and you have a special purpose. Please don't harm yourself! Instead, seek help from a therapist. I understand your draw to isolate yourself. I do that, too. But, I am in therapy and trying very hard to get better. I am glad you found this site, and I hope our encouraging words have helped. Sending you a big "cyber hug"!!!

[deannaw]

I was in therapy when I was 18 but I couldn't afford it anymore. I'm hoping there's support groups where I live that I can go to

[Dave_H in reply to deannaw]

Not sure where you live or what your economic situation is like but perhaps you should call the county where you live and ask about assistance. Particularly low cost or no cost Medical Insurance. I receive SSDI, have a small part-time job, and still qualify for a Medical Assistance insurance program that I would be lost without.

[Abadar]

deannaw, i looked for the "quickest and most comfortable method" exactly in ur age, and now I am 53, still looking for methods...The good news however is this, that in between I did three degrees, married and raised a family, had a rough patch with wife, then realized it is my disease, not her fault. I continue with life, I don't know how much remains for me. One thing I am sure about is this that a few decades from now, u will be writing a similar note for someone. Mind u the disease will still be there, but u will be a survivor with better than average success in life! Good luck dear.

[deannaw]

You are all the most comforting people I've ever had the chance to speak to and for that I'm so grateful. I know this is a battle and I know I'm strong enough for whatever comes my way. Thank you all for the kind things and I hope we all have the chance to continue to talk about this. Sometimes I feel so alone in the world and it's so nice to be able to talk about this all