Indecisive

[GodsMistake]

I have been debating with the thought of leaving my husband and living the rest of my life by myself. My depression has dragged him down and he's no longer a happy person, but rather the target for me to vent and overreact to. I tend to lose control and pick on him for silly reasons and I truly want him to be happy. I know he will never be happy with me because I have been this way all my life. I have no friends, or support system. I can't talk to my spouse about what I feel. I can't seem professional help because it would be damaging to my career and profession. I am stuck and can't get better. I've been spiraling down for years and I am close to the bottom and fear that I might lose everything that is connected to life, connected to this world, lose everything in me, because there is no other end result than the direction I am heading. I will soon delete this message and profile because that's what I do, I feel ashamed and embarrassed for posting this, and will convince myself I can keep living in a shell and continue wearing a fake smile, and carry on like others do, living a routine, and not truly happy, but keeping to theirselves.

[Agora1]

No, No GodsMistake don't delete yet. I want to answer and I'm sure others do as well. x

[Agora1]

I really hate addressing this to GodsMistake. God doesn't make mistakes. When He created us, it was with a purpose in mind. We make the choice in our lives that may make us or break us. Every one is given a cross in life to bear. Maybe to make us stronger. Debating whether to leave your spouse should be a two way street. Is he complaining? What if the pain of you leaving caused him more pain and unhappiness as if you had stayed.

I don't have friends either, they turned their backs on me long time ago and a couple of passed away. I know my purpose in life now and that is fulfilling. No matter what your professional occupation is, it shouldn't stop you from receiving the help you need. No one is invincible to anxiety or depression. Never be ashamed or embarrassed to reach out to others especially on the forum where we totally understand the stigma attached to our disorders.

I'm happy you took the first step forward in writing us. It is a safe place for you to come to and vent or discuss your problems. No one knows who you are, we all care about each other and kindness and understanding is what we are all about.

I'm going to stop writing because I'm afraid you will delete your message and I don't want you to.

Believe that you have made a right choice today and trust in us as we hold our hand out to you because we care. xx

[b1b1b1 in reply to Agora1]

Agora1, I believe you do have friends - certainly here.

[Agora1 in reply to b1b1b1]

You're sweet... I am very blessed with the friends I have on the

forum. Very fulfilling Thank you b1b1b1 xx

[hypercat54]

Hi things aren't going to change unless you make them so why not make a small change here and not delete your post? It is a start at least.

As far as counselling there is nothing stopping you from paying for it privately. That way it would be between you and gate post and your employers would never need to know.

Is this an option? x

[Sonny216]

Thank you for not deleting your post. Much of what you said resonates with me. I must confess, I have many times deleted posts on FB etc. Down deep, I really didn't want to. I just felt Ashamed.

But there is NO shame here!!! We're all human. We share experiences. We have feelings. We are intelligent.

No, there's no shame here.

Hugs to you

[b1b1b1]

I am not sure how your employer would find out if you saw a therapist. I am in the US, and I don't know where you are. I believe, however, that confidentiality in these matters is fairly standard.

[mirashenouda]

Hi. I useed to be like you, ashamed of myself & not seeking help worrying it'd affect my career. Eventually I broke down & had to take long term sick leave from work. That's when I started to get the help I need. Depression is more common that you might think. Every employers have employees suffering with depression. These days people have more understanding of it.

I agree with hypercat54 That you should start by paying for private counselling. It's really good & will help you make up your mind. Don't leave it too late until you breakdown like me. The longer you leave it untreated the more difficult is the treatment. Best wishes. xx

[gogogirl]

I do not know where you are, but here in the US , we have hppa privacy, confidentiality laws so that information is only shared if a patient requests it. That would go for any kind of medical treatment including counseling.

[Mimimylon]

You just expressed everything I think and feel. In fact, just now my bf slammed the door, leaving the house, because I refused to let him come close to me and cuddle in bed with our morning coffee. I am at the stage of daydreaming of breaking up and living all alone because I will be free to do as I please without the heavy burden of having to please someone else.

[firedancer64]

I feel the same way.. I constantly fantasize of packing a few things I need and just leaving without a word or a note. My family knows fully well how I suffer terribly with depression, anxiety & PTSD, they go on about their lives like I’m invisible, insignificant & a burden. I just want to leave & live alone... what difference does it make when I’m all alone in this miserable existence anyway? I feel your pain.. please don’t delete your post.. you gave me the courage to speak. Thank you!

[Janieliza]

Myself and my husband split up after 24 years together and to be honest....its the best thing we ever did, for us, for the kids and for everyone else who would listen to my woes!!!. It was horrendous when he first went, I missed him terribly but I would tell myself we had done the right thing and he could move on with his life without my nagging and him living with my depression. This however isn't entirely the truth and it goes beyond all the above. Did I want to admit it? No absolutely not. I do exactly the same, I wear the smile and to all on the outside....im fine. Janie...depressed? Never...she isn't the type. Because that's what I wanted ppl to see, what I wanted ppl to see therefore not admitting it to myself. Leave the post here...just try it. The support on here is fantastic and you never know...you may feel comfort from the comments. Isn't everyone supportive? Why? Bcas we've all experienced something you have. Perhaps not everything but can relate no matter how minute. You will get there eventually and only you will know where 'there' is. It took me years to be comfortable in my own skin. Still single and happy to be. My ex husband re married and he smiles when he sees me rather than grunts lol. I also relate to the damage to a profession and career as I'm a professional person. I spend my time studying behaviour yet couldn't wrap my head around myself. I don't have friends, I used to joke and say I "don't do friends" but the truth is I never found myself particularly likeable so presumed others would be the same. I am in touch with a few on here and it's been wonderful as they know my ups and downs and still are friends. Don't give up!!! There is a light..its just finding it!

[User1964]

Dear friend, do not be embarrassed. I am glad you found this site, I am glad I came across it as well. My life is like a roller coaster ride and lonely, too. I've been dealing with anxiety and depression for many years. I'm 53, and will be married 30 years on New Year's Eve. I had a scary incident the other night where I flipped out on hubby, called him every name in the book, and basically felt like I lost my mind. I can't remember a lot of the incident. Alcohol played the biggest part in it. Yesterday I took the first step to quit drinking. Communication is vital with your loved ones. My husband didn't believe depression was a real disease. That can make one feel like they are alone and weak. He is starting to understand now that it is a brain chemical issue. Many people suffer from this in all walks of life. Depression doesn't discriminate. Professionals: Doctors, teachers, etc. people are people. This disease used to be taboo to talk about years ago, but thankfully it is now in the open, many articles, blog posts, etc. Please don't be afraid to communicate what you are going through with your husband. He loves you, he really does. I used to isolate myself from him because I thought he really didn't love me. I was wrong. I made an effort to talk, and be with him more. I am not as lonely, and we are getting better (as long as I stay away from the alcohol) I wish you much success. I know how difficult it is, believe me. Often it's one step forward, 2 steps back. Don't give up.

[Janieliza in reply to User1964]

Alcohol I'm afraid is a hidden truth drug(don't you think?). I stopped drinking 18 years ago and it's one of the best things I ever did....WE ever did should I say. We both enjoyed a glass or two of wine with our evening dinner and at the wkends if neither was on call would have the full bottle and that would lead to bickering!. Things would be said and the next day we both knew our true feeling were out there and couldn't be taken back. As you probably know, alcohol doesn't go well with depression and anxiety and altho it makes one relax initially....the delayed effects aren't worth it!. I was nodding thro you're comment as I've been there. My ex husband didn't understand depression therefore I simply didn't have it!. There were days I couldn't get out of bed and he would go beserk which of course made it worse. I adore him and I will always adore him, we speak daily and altho he's re married...we share 3 beautiful children and 29 years together...24 married. I send you the very best positivity and wish you well.

[User1964 in reply to Janieliza]

<3 <3 Thank you for sharing, Janieliza

[luvmyself]

GodsMistake I have not posted in quite some time but when I saw your post I had to respond.

My therapist once told me never to make important decisions when I am not feeling 100% as I will set yourself up to regret it. If only I had gotten this advise before I quit my job. I had a well-paying nonetheless high stressed, heavy workload job working with people who I enjoyed and doing something that I loved but was so ashamed and embarrassed of allowing anyone that I worked with to know about my depression and anxiety that I thought the best thing to do to keep anyone from finding out was to resign. It’s now been five years later and I realize after seeking therapy and medication that this is what I should have done at that time.

I also considered leaving my husband due to everything that he had to tolerate during our 30 years together. This time around I took the therapist advise and waited until I was feeling better my husband did not want the divorce and we worked on the marriage while I continue to work on myself. I have no friends or support system either my own mother turned against me when I became ill and was too difficult for her to be around.

Please do not delete this message as you will find lots of support here. Please seek therapy, it will make a world of difference. There is no shame in asking for help.

[Windy101]

You are no mistake! Please stay with us for more than just one message. We all understand and want to help. Please!

[Want2BHappy3]

Hi it's against the law for your employer to see or ask for your medical records. I was working at the time I was diagnosed with my anxiety and took leave of absence. The paperwork nearly says something like medical related.

I guarantee you if you don't leave, he will eventually leave. A person can only take so much. Right now he's the one you vent too. When he goes then what?

Anxiety if not treated can get worse? I had a brother at 19 committed suiscide. That was like 40 years ago. He felt he had no choice. I feel hopeless at times, for me what helps is for someone to reassure me that things will get better? So please give your husband a BREAK, he sounds like a good guy who REALLY loves you for dealing with this, or a victim of your verbal attacks that he feels STUCK?

If you feel like you can't STOP? Then do him a favor and leave him maybe temporarily until you can figure out what to do? Good luck