I've been married for 2 years now. My husband and I have everything in life (great parents, great jobs, and a good home we bought a year ago). From the beginning days of our marriage, he expressed his disappointment towards me. But I always convinced myself that he is saying those things in anger and he did not really mean it. We have dated for a few months before marriage but he always seemed to like me then. I tried to change myself into a person who he would like and it hasn't been easy. He cannot mingle with my family and friends. I always hoped that these disagreements will eventually fade and we both can lead happy life. But recently, he said he cannot continue the relationship with me. He is an aggressive person and he says it getting worse because I'm not the person he wanted as a partner in life. He says, "It's better to lead separate lives rather than staying together and fighting every single day". He also says, "I'll find someone who accepts me the way I am". I just don't know how to react to what he said. I do not want to plead with him to stay with me and at the same time do not want to break the marriage. Divorce is not something I ever thought of in my life. From the country I come from divorce is a huge thing and people are very judgemental. My parents will have to face a lot of criticism from society. I don't want my family to go through it. I just don't know how to take this forward. I don't know what I could have done differently to keep our married life happy.
Husband says he cannot have a happy l... - Anxiety and Depre...
Husband says he cannot have a happy life with me
Be true to yourself, dont change yourself for someone else you will never be happy, Be strong, good luck
Thank you
Is changing myself for the good a bad thing? Because my husband says that I don't pay attention when doing things. I don't keep track of my things. I cannot communicate well. I started being more organized to not piss him off. He also says I lack exposure and don't observe things well. He also says I'm not an ambitious person. These were the things I tried changing about myself and in the process, we ended up having lot more fights. He says I might be putting effort but not in the right direction. I probably lacked the skill to have clever conversations with him
"Arymretep" is right...never change yourself into what someone else needs.I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but you're worth more than that.
Wishing you well on this bitter path ahead. Please talk with someone in your
family who can support you. 
xx
Thank you
Is changing myself for the good a bad thing? Because my husband says that I don't pay attention when doing things. I don't keep track of my things. I cannot communicate well. I started being more organized to not piss him off. He also says I lack exposure and don't observe things well. He also says I'm not an ambitious person. These were the things I tried changing about myself and in the process, we ended up having lot more fights. He says I might be putting effort but not in the right direction. I probably lacked the skill to have clever conversations with him. That's why every argument turned into a fight
faultinmystar, see how this works?? Nothing you can do will please him.There will always be something he will complain about. It's not about you dear.
It's about your husband's insecurities with himself. We each must be who we
are and only compliment the person we are with. xx
Thank you for being supportive Agora1 and sorry for bothering you
You are never a bother, no need to ever say you're sorry.You are respected on this forum and cared about no matter how
many times you may write.
We are all about supporting each other so that you don't feel so
alone. We are only a message away anytime you need a friend. xx
That means a lot. Virtual hugs
Your husband sounds like my ex. he was never happier than when he was putting me down. What ever I did was never enough, he lost his job I worked. I wasted too long with him, I am glad I left, you are better than that the best thing you can do is leave. Dvorce is not good, but neither is living in a loveless marriage., Why worry about others if your parents have a problem, they will get over it. If not make your own way in life, I re married 16 years ago, never been happier.
That gives me hope
If you want to P.M. me you can.
Hmmm...I wish I could give some advice for that situation.
The truth is that if he is not happy with you personally he isn't going to me. And you cannot mold yourself into something that will make him happy because it's not authentic to you. Even attempting will destroy you. As far as your society is concerned you have to answer a question, is your suffering worth sparing your parents a bit of judgement? Because the real person who is going to suffer the most here is you. It's also concerning that you said your husband is a very aggressive person and has told you he is getting worse. That sounds to me like things could continue to escalate until someone's life is in danger. You need to protect yourself first. If this man doesn't want to be with you and is as aggressive as you say, then things won't get better. They will only get much worse. So you need to really sit and access, are you willing to suffer for the rest of your life to spare some societal shame?
Is changing myself for the good a bad thing? Because my husband says that I don't pay attention when doing things. I don't keep track of my things. I cannot communicate well. I started being more organized to not piss him off. He also says I lack exposure and don't observe things well. He also says I'm not an ambitious person. These were the things I tried changing about myself and in the process, we ended up having lot more fights. He says I might be putting effort but not in the right direction. I probably lacked the skill to have clever conversations with him
No changing yourself to better yourself for yourself is a good thing. However, changing yourself to suit another persons wants and desires is not a good thing. It will never make you happy because it's not your want, it is the want of another person. It sounds more like he is just putting you down for the sake of it. Even if you were not ambitious or where not very observant why does that have to be bad? Some people are better at these things than other, it does not make a person good or bad. That doesn't change that he is treating you poorly. Why is it your job to change everything? Why can't he work on his anger and be a better more supportive husband? It sounds like you are clinging to what his image of a perfect you should be. That will only lead you to self destruction. You cannot be what he perfectly wants. You can only be you. Just authentically you. If he isn't satisfied with that then he doesn't deserve you.
Thank you for being supportive during this time. It makes so much sense but it just feels hard to move on. I lack interest in doing anything. I just want to sleep all day to not think about it. I'm sorry for venting my grief on you
No worries about venting. That is what this group is for. And honestly the truth of the matter is this, you lack interest in things and want to sleep all the time because you are depressed. You are depressed because quite frankly your husband is an asshat. And that pain and depression is making you shut down because in your mind you are trapped. Like I said you have to choose is being unhappy the rest of your life and maybe even potentially getting hurt physically by your husband worth potentially saving your family from scorn. I say potentially because people will still talk negatively even if you are still married if all you do is fight. It's not about them in the end. It's about you and what will work best for you. I know it's hard but think back, you didn't always lack ambition and dreams. That only happened when others told you that you were not good enough and you stopped seeing the world in terms of what you wanted and what would make you happy. You started seeing it in terms of what others wanted and what would make them happy. The second that happened you became depressed and lost yourself. Stay true to who you are. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself You are worth more than what those others are saying. You just are. There words do not get to define who you are. Only you can do that.
Well said Hidden , changing to better yourself is what we all want to do, But changing to please someone else never works as they will never be satisfied , they’ll always ask more of you
I know it’s so hard but do you want to live your life like this afraid , walking on eggshells incase you say something he doesn’t like, it’s no way to live .
Do you have any family or close friends that you can talk to, please don’t put up with this, life is too short, you deserve better,
We are all here for you 😘
I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties, but we are humans, not robots, and I don't know what part of the world you are in, but If a divorce is on the cards , don't look at this as a failure, life isn't perfect, non of us are.You are not a performing puppet, and just because you don't reach the required
" standards " it only shows how belittling this man takes you for, move on, you deserve better, you will end up depressed, every day he will start finding fault with everything you do, the marriage is unfortunately not going to last, be strong for yourself, hold your head up high, just be yourself, otherwise you will become a prisoner, don't stay, get out, and don't let others persuade you, you'll regret this, and you'll be feeling trapped, hopefully you'll be strong enough to understand enough is enough, best of luck 😇
Thank you Cb1963. I'm trying my best to stay strong.
Oh my. This is concerning. I am worried about you, faultinmystar. Do you feel scared sometimes? I was in a domestic violence situation. He never hit me but it was scary. If you do feel scared, you may want to think about how to get to a safe space when you can.
One thing that helped me was learning how my boyfriend’s behaviors were toxic, and having clear directions on what to do and not to do. There’s a website called outofthefog.website that you can go to to look up toxic behaviors like criticism, contempt, invalidation, and more! And it helped me understand that my boyfriend’s opinions about what was “good” or “bad” were just his opinions, and that MY opinions on the matter were just as important if not more important. I learned statements like,
“No, that doesn’t work for me.” And
“Please leave me alone.”
“If you continue to act this way, I will leave the room.”
When he trapped me in a room so he could keep hounding me, I knew I needed to get out of the relationship.
Opportunity! I'm still figuring out if this is domestic violence. Most of the time he says those things in anger. Later he apologizes. I used to listen to everything he says patiently in the beginning. It only made me sad day by day. Later I started yelling back in my defense because I couldn't tolerate it anymore. I agree to some extent that I'm less organized than him . I have less exposure to things. I'm not a great planner. I depend on others to some extent. What bothers me the most is, "why do such small things piss him off so much?". However, there are multiple other instances where he was nice to me. I just don't know which side of him to trust?
Oh yes, I’ve been there. Mine got so mad when I read a book and mentioned it. His anger made me feel startled and uneasy. It was out of the blue. Then he asked me, “Do you understand why I am upset with you?” I didn’t, and shot back a snarky answer. He lost his mind. To this day, I still have no idea why he was upset.
In my case, I got tired of trying to guess and avoid what would set him off. I got tired of walking on eggshells.
Oh, and the fighting. I am usually quite calm, understanding and good natured. He actually managed to aggravate me to the point that I wanted to scream and break things. That’s not me. It’s not who I am at all. The fact that he could invoke such hostility in me…. It was torture.
I can totally relate to what you are saying. The fact that he could invoke hostility in me is very alarming to me. Thanks for sharing
It doesn't sound like there isn't anything you could have done or do now to change incompatibility. There is no shame in divorce. It is better than living in a loveless marriage. I don't mean to make light of it. It is painful to grieve the dream you had hoped with him. However there is a man who will truly accept you and cherish you in the years to come. 💗🤗 Hugs!
Thank you Tara 🤗
My opinion might sound harsh. But I am 62 and have been married 42 years in about a month. I remember when I was dating my wife the first 2 years. We made love all the time. I had kissed plenty of girls before I kissed her. But when I kissed her , it was.. it’s hard to put in words. I felt love for the first time. And she felt the same for me. On our first date we layed in front of the fireplace, in a house she shared with 4 other girls from college. We kissed for 6 hours straight. We did other stuff too, and I could have made love to her, but I didn’t, because I wanted to wait. I think this is important to bring up , because It’s the first time I ever did not make love to a woman when I could have? Wanting to save it for the next time? Wanting to be a gentleman? I don’t know? But the first 2 years I was going to school full time and worked full time. And I would go over to her house and make love, and I would exist on 4 hours sleep, months on end. I didn’t want any other guy to have her and she didn’t want any other women to have me. That’s the way love is , you belong together in a non possessive way. Your my baby, I love you more, no I love you more.. lol
We are total opposite. I am a guy who takes life too seriously. And she wants to have a good time too much. It makes for a lot of arguments. But I say if your not ready to fight for your marriage, don’t get married. This is where many people will disagree with me. My wife is in sales her whole life, and always try’s to get her way. But I go back to the kissing part. We were addicted to each other’s kiss from day one. Once we press our lips to each other, problems melt away. Because they were never big problems to begin with. Nobody was lazy or substance abuse etc . I remember the first few years of marriage were hard. Because you can’t run back to your own place.
My wife has told me plenty of times when she gets mad at me. She wonders if this is going to work out? Imagine me putting up with that for 42 years and counting? It’s some kind of thing she does if I say or do the wrong minor thing. Not just say or do to her, but the kids or at a social event etc . I tell her go ahead and move out, or put your sexy outfit on and be quiet and let’s hold this thing together another week. Then we have 60-90 minutes of passionate love making. I’m making it sound worse than it is. Most times it flows smooth. But when she gets mad she threatens me with the relationship if she is real mad. This is something most normal guys could not take. She’s a hot headed Swedish Norwegian sexy gal. And I am her handsome, stud she doesn’t want to lose. I was 44 years ago and I still am today, and vice versa.
Every person is different. Every marriage is different. I know most marriages are not like mine. But sometimes you have to call the other person’s bluff, or whatever they are doing? And say if you don’t want me, I’m sure I can find some guy to make happy! And who will put up with me as I am. The bottom line is this. Either he doesn’t want some other guy to steal you away. And he will fight for you and stop or curb his crap , or he won’t. It’s like the old saying that’s been around hundreds of years. All is fair in love and war!
My 83 year old dad has been married 3 times. And he said all he did was trade one set of problems, for a different kind of problems with each woman. We all have our own problems. Nobody is perfect. He is the kind of guy when a woman starts nagging him, he will fly the coop. He said he should have tried harder at the first marriage. Then the second, so I think he learned by number 3 ?
Married people should kiss daily. And many times daily. It tells each other, things are all right! I really think the creator put this woman in front of me. And I had to be smart enough and brave enough, and lots of things to hang on. And I know she thinks I’m her soul mate she has said a lot of times. This guy might be trying to mold or control you. So maybe he thinks he can do it lifelong?
And maybe you can deal with it, or even deep down like a strong man? Because I can tell you my wife would have put a stop to his behavior real quick. Give him back a dose of his own medicine. Tell him baby I want to please you, but you got to quit no being happy with me. I am who I am. And You are not perfect and I don’t complain. So speaking of me pleasing you, come over here and kiss me and be quiet.
But what do I know, I have only been with a complicated woman for 44 years. And she made enough money to leave me at any point in time.
You have to keep a marriage fresh and exciting. I’m rooting for you to use your woman’s love and sexuality over him . And write back on here in 10 years, how he is role playing once a month, to pretend he is the pizza delivery guy. Who just can’t stop complimenting your beauty!
Alls fair in love and war . Except a man who hits a woman. You have to put him in his place. You have to let him know you want it to work. You will work to make it work. But honey, are you ready to lose me? Because if you keep this up…
Just think: Are you happy in this relationship? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Is he really worth it?
Maybe you can make her some herbal tea. And you 2 can watch chic flicks together, and dream about your perfect mate . Perfect mate doesn’t exist. Maybe she can marry her best friend! And they can be best friends! But sleep in separate bedrooms. I respect your opinion, and you said you did mine. I told her marriage is not always easy. And you have to flaunt it if you got it. Women have power over men . Women have been silently ruling the world since the dawn of time. Any woman can turn her man to putty in her hands . If this guy won’t turn to putty dump him
Daveacr! I appreciate your concern but our relationship is different than yours. I understand there's much power a woman can hold. I remember my husband saying this exact same sentence to me. He said, "I have the power to make him do anything for me". But I cannot use love-making as a bargaining chip to get what I want
In my opinion, it's very important to have respect towards each other in any sort of relationship. My husband himself said he cannot respect me for the person I am multiple times. I understand there's no perfect mate but I believe there will be someone who at least won't demean me.
I didn’t mean to use love making as a bargaining chip if it sounded like it. I meant to say, use your femininity, it has power . I think I said the bottom line is this , a couple times. Either your madly in love with each other. And you can’t live without each other’s kiss.. or you are not? And you need to put your foot down and get him to knock it off.. or risk losing you. I am rooting for you. I told you the first few years can be hard . It’s a big change for people. There is this trial and error period. You hold power, don’t be afraid to use it. But what do I know. I have only been married 42 years. Some men need to know thier actions have consequences. He better respect you or risk losing you. But it’s better if he sees your trying to understand, before you lay down the law . I’m sure he’s not perfect, and has things you don’t like, besides this stuff in the post . I am not telling you to leave him. I’m telling you to let him know you won’t be talked to or treating that way. I’m asking you to be bold . Because he may deeply love you, and only the fear of losing you has the power to make him see his wrongs.too many people just walk away. Without fighting for love. I know it sounds like you should not have to fight for love, it should be just like a beautiful butterfly 🦋 that is magical. But it’s not and never will be. That’s called the infatuation stage and it’s over soon. But you are totally right, he should not do this. But he will not stop, unless he fears losing you. And if you are not bold enough to make it known. Keep living how you are, and watching him never change or get worse.
I see what you are saying, sir! I did try telling him clearly what I want from the relationship multiple times. This isn't the first time he said he needs a divorce. It happened before and I lived at my friend's place for an entire week. During that time, I met him once every day to discuss how I felt about things because he wanted to give it another try. We sat with our friends (since our families live in a different country) to discuss everything and I clearly told him that I cannot handle disrespect. Later we got back together to give it another chance. I went to depression therapy and he went to a couple of classes for Life coaching. But he made it very clear that he cannot bond with my family or friends. I agreed to it because I thought its okay at least if we both are good to each other. He then got busy with his interviews and we couldn't spend much time with each other. Those were the only peaceful 2 months when we did not argue or fight. However, things went back to how it was earlier after he got offers and started spending time with each other. We went on 6 vacations during these 2 years and had to come back home in the middle because we fought so bad. Unlike every other time, he said, "he needs a divorce", this time he isn't angry.
These are the exact words he said.
I'm not happy in this relationship and I cannot trust my future with you.
I cannot respect you as the person you are.
We say things to each other that we don't even want our enemies to hear.
I cannot mingle with your family or friends. It could be my fault but I get to choose who I want to be within my life
It's better we part our ways rather than staying together and fighting every single day. It might also have a bad impact on our kids in the future. (we don't have kids yet)
It's not your fault but we are just two different people whose perspectives don't match. I can't even find a common interest or topic to talk to you about if I go out for a dinner with you.
I don't even feel saying sorry when we argue or fight because I don't love you anymore.
I can also see that you've changed a lot of things about yourself but you are not happy in the process
If I have to live with you, I need to lie about a lot of things which I don't like. So, I can never make you happy.
It sounds like it’s not going to work out. You tried. Maybe the next time date a few years before you get married? I don’t know why the guy would marry you, then feel this way so soon. Except he saw things after marriage he didn’t see before.
If I might ask , what are the main things he doesn’t like about you, or can’t respect you for?
Just know there is a man out there who will love you as you are. It won’t be without its trials too.. but he won’t throw in the towel.. because he can’t bear another man to have you. I mean what can you be doing that drove this guy to say and be like this? Your the same girl now as you were 2-1/2 years ago right? If so I think the problem is him not you
That's one thing I regret a lot. That I haven't dated him long to understand him well before getting married to him. Yes, absolutely I am the same person a few years ago. Most of the time he complains about how I cannot communicate things well. He gets pissed off if I don't understand certain quickly. He is a smart person and has been surrounded by such people his whole life. Probably I might seem a little too slow for him. He is always chasing the next big dream in his life. I'm probably a bit comfortable where I am. He thinks I might slow him down. He also used to say a lot of times that I am not bringing anything to the table. It's always very silly things that have caused big fights between us. He probably expected an alpha female in his life which I'm not I guess. Like you said I asked him that question multiple times, "Why did you marry me?". He says, "everybody makes mistakes and I was wrong in understanding you".
You have to be strong enough to move on if it comes to that. The guy sounds like he wants a woman to make a lot of money? Or be more ambitious? He knew how you were? This is not a normal relationship. He changed the rules after the ceremony. He might come to his senses and realize if you marry for money you earn every dime . He might be trying to bully you into pushing yourself to land a better job I don’t know. Don’t throw in the towel yet . Like I said, early in the marriage I have watched and heard of this . I’m not sure if I can put it in words. Feeling out period or jockeying for position? He might wise up in a few weeks.
It isn't about the money or landing a better job because I make well enough to feed two small families. He just says I need to have a passion/goal of my own and a willingness to learn and try different things and not be complacent. I understand it's very strange and confusing. But I still agree that he knew all of it beforehand. I never said or did anything which felt otherwise.
I don’t think.. hold on.. let me bottom line it..you don’t choose true love, it chooses you.. maybe separate from him.. if it’s true love .. he will come crawling back.. if you want him and love him.. if you read my first long reply to you.. I say the same thing in a longer way.. love is nature’s way of insuring the future.. love makes the world go round.. not money.. those brave men who stormed the beach at normandy.. gave thier lives for thier lioved ones out of love for thier future.. parents who sacrificed for children is all love … women are attracted to men for masculinity.. men to women for femininity.. sometimes love happens from it .. it’s natures way.. true lovers overlook each other’s quirks and faults.. as long as they are not deal breakers .. like guys who are abusive or people on substance abuse etc etc … you are putting up with this guy because you love him.. and that’s ok .. as long as he stops being weird about it.. lol
Sorry to not sugar-coat it, but it sounds to me like your husband has some major anger and control issues and may be a narcissist. He also sounds like someone who's anger could unfortunately progress to physical violence over time and you could wind up in serious danger or harm.
No matter what you do you are never going to be able to change yourself or mold yourself into someone acceptable to him because he isn't happy with himself nor should you change your self for him.
My first wife and I were married for two years and neither of us were happy or mature enough to be married and we divorced. There was a lot of negative stigma and responses from my family at the time but it turned out to be the best thing we did. Life is too short to not spend it with someone who really accepts and loves you for yourself. Yes it's hard going through it but definitely better than living in misery and pain.
I agree with what you said. We had this discussion multiple times. Apparently, my husband just considers himself an overachiever and not a narcissist.
Of course he denies it, that's a classic trait of a narcissist. You need to take care of yourself first and learn to love and value yourself and increase your self-worth. It's not selfish and you also have no control over your husband and whether he loves you or not. You can't change anyone or make them change nor should you try. You also need to be aware that his anger could easily escalate and be dangerous and harmful to you unfortunately. Make sure you are safe.
Sure I will. Thank you 🙂
Thank you. It means a lot
Thank you ChavivLeon for your support. It means a lot
That makes so much sense. Thank you 🙂
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