Grieving daughter

[RaSena]

I hate the term "lost my mom", but I lost my mom July 7, 2017. I had moved in to her home over a year ago to help her battle breast/lung cancer. I was her care giver while I worked a full time job and juggled being a mom. In July, I went to S.C. to watch my daughter graduate basic training, during her graduation celebrations I learned my mom had slipped into a coma. I had to tell the doctors that she wanted a DNR...it was the worst case scenario for a daughter/mother. My mom passed Friday night, about 24 hours before I could get home. Since then, nothing has been right, I cry every day, I went to the doctor hoping to find the reason I just wasn't feeling right (made him run blood tests certain I had a thyroid problem) and he suggested Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. So, I googled and found this site. Hoping that joining this site will help me in some way. Feeling desperate to feel normal...or to find my new normal.

[blackcat64013]

Hi RaSena,

I am sorry that your mother has passed, especially when you were not able to be with her.

I need to tell you there is no right or wrong way to experience or recover from the loss of your mother, The intense emotional and physical reaction that an individual experiences following the death of a loved one and the process of adapting to a significant loss are very personal.

Your doctor's recommendation for therapy is a wise one. The therapist will give you the tools to cope.

If you prefer reading as therapy, I can recommend Joanne Jozefowski's book which summarizes five stages to rebuild your life.

I have put the snap shot here and the details of the book at the end.

Impact: shock, denial, anxiety, fear, and panic.

Chaos: confusion, disbelief, actions out of control, irrational thoughts and feelings, feeling despair, feeling helpless, desperate searching, lose track of time, difficulty sleeping and eating, obsessive focus on the loved one and their possessions, agony from imagining their physical harm, shattered beliefs.

Adapting: bringing order back into daily life while you continue to grieve: take care of basic needs (personal grooming, shopping, cooking, cleaning, paying bills), learn to live without the loved one, accept help, focus on helping children cope, connect with other grieving families for mutual support, take control of grieving so that grief does not control you, slowly accept the new reality.

Equilibrium: attaining stability and routines: reestablish a life that works all right, enjoy pleasant activities with family members and good times with friends, do productive work, choose a positive new direction in life while honoring the past, learn how to handle people who ask questions about what you’ve been through.

Transformation: rethinking your purpose in life and the basis for your identity; looking for meaning in tragic, senseless loss; allowing yourself to have both painful and positive feelings about your loss and become able to choose which feelings you focus on; allowing yourself to discover that your struggle has led you to develop a stronger, better version of yourself than you expected could exist; learning how to talk with others about your heroic healing journey without exposing them to your pain; becoming supportive of others trying to deal with their losses.

The Phoenix Phenomenon: Rising from the Ashes of Grief, Joanne Jozefowski 1999 ISBN 978-0765702098

[RaSena in reply to blackcat64013]

Thank you for the book recommendation! I appreciate it!

[iromoomori]

The loss of anyone, especially your mother is something devastating for everyone. There is no way to truly forget or to completely get rid of what you're feeling. It's okay to feel off in everyday life. As time passes, you will continue on, and the pain that you once felt will be lifted from your shoulders and turned into happiness for the memories you shared with her. You can get through this. You are strong in many ways you don't know. The best of luck to you. Let your mother rest in peace.

[Boomer1970]

I️ am so sorry for your loss... Please find peace that your feelings are completely normal....This year has been particularly bad for me as well..

[RaSena in reply to Boomer1970]

Hopefully 2018 will bring peace and joy.

[Miswan]

Hi RaSena-my mom passed 13 years ago this week so your post reminded me of that time(I was also her caregiver after she became extremely ill and not present when she passed). I carried a lot of guilt from that but have come to terms with it but it took time and therapy ...also that book looks like a really good one-you are not alone...

[RaSena in reply to Miswan]

Our hospice nurse immediately told me “your mom didn’t want you to be here when she died”. My mom was scheduled for an in office “low risk” procedure while I was gone, I had told my coworker before I left that I knew I would never see my mom again. Torn between being a daughter and being a mom has been the hardest. It was one of the best moments for my little family, but at the same time, the saddest. It broke my heart that I couldn’t be by her side holding her hand. Thanks for reaching out, not everyone gets my anguish.

[Agora1 in reply to RaSena]

RaSena, My deepest condolences to you. We all die in our own way. I've know others who wanted to die in peace by themselves. In you being a mom, you actually honored your mother's last wish. She knew you loved her and that is what counts. She wanted you to be where you should have and that was with your own daughter.

We can't change what's happened and we can't go on feeling bad or guilty that we weren't there. I know because it happened to me with my own mom. Give yourself enough time to grieve your loss as well as mend your heart in knowing you did what had to be done at the time.

My thoughts are with you. We're here to comfort each other during the different stages of our lives. Sending you heartfelt hugs. x

[mz_rachel]

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ huge hugs

[Susan512]

My mom passed away 12 years ago and I still think of almost daily I missed her so much but it gets better little at a time prayer helps me a lot, remember JESUS LOVES YOU 🙏💟

[Fender62]

I lost my father five years ago it does get easier the pain never goes away but it gets easier to remember the loss stays with you it gets easier to live with time won't heal but will make it easier. You are not alone there's plenty of us that has been though what your going through right now. It will get easier

[RaSena in reply to Fender62]

Thank you for your kinds words. ❤️

[TruthSi72]

Hi RaSena

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I understand how terrible it is, I lost my mother to similar circumstances.

It never leaves you, I speak to my Mum every now and then, just briefly.

Grief is natural and you will go through an arc of change as you go through your grief, but there is also a point where it can go to a negative place. This is where the grief becomes self-defining. This means that the grief turns into a habit that helps validate who you are because of the loss of part of your history which is wrapped up in the identity of this person, your mother, your story is her story and her loss is too much to bare and so the grief becomes about you rather than the person who no longer is with us and this is when we begin to actually suffer.

I'm not sure whether you are in that place or whether you're just experiencing a natural cycle of grief, but regardless I think a great exercise is to ask yourself some of these questions. Really enter the spirit and answer these deeply and honestly and, if you can, search for a resolution at the end.

1: If you had the chance to have your mother sit by you for one last time and you could say anything to your Mother right now, what would that be? (Imagine your mother is sitting next to you, take a few deep breaths and be honest and open with her).

2: What would she say to you? (at this point it would be great if you could get up and sit where your Mother would be, sit like her, take on her mannerisms, and looking back at the you sitting opposite her now, what would you (your mother) say to you now if she could, what advice would she give to you right now?

3: Sit back in your own chair now; reflect on what has been said by your Mother to you and really feel how that feels and take on any learnings from it. How does that feel?

Knowing what you now know what is your intention for yourself as you move forward?

This can be a difficult process but trust it and trust yourself.

If you feel you need an instructor to lead you through it I am available to help you...just Dm me. This is what I do for a living, helping people to get over anxiety, depression and anything standing in the way of them moving forward in life.

I'm sure you will get through this and come out the other side with nothing but beautiful memories of your mother and a positive feeling about the future.

S

[RaSena]

Thank you. What you describe is exactly where I am. I am still living in my moms home, I live among her things and I feel like I’m losing my identity...and my mind. I’ll be moving back to my home in February, so I’m thinking that will help. I “left it all on the table” so to speak with my mom, zero words left unsaid. I lost my dad to suicide at the age of 9. I was the youngest child when my dad died, and have been under my moms feet since I could walk. I was probably too attached, even bought a house about a 1/2 a mile away. I feel like I’ve lost my compass, since she was such a part of my daily life and routine. I will apply your practices, I’m trying everything I can to feel sane again.