Something is different: I am afraid I... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Something is different

hayrikki profile image

I am afraid I have finally reached my seemingly infinite capacity for pain and self hate. I have cried wolf so many times I have no idea the number. I always thought I would finish it with in an impulsive moment. I guess I was wrong, again. It seems as though I have flipped a switch. Numbness has filled me. I no longer feel sad, just empty. I look at myself like I am watching a bad soap. The light switch came on tonight at an outlet mall. I went with my family and stood in a store where there were literally 800-1000 people shopping. People were passinge by like I wasn't there. They were bumping into and seemingly not knowing I existed. I felt a huge wave of what I can only describe as sadness, oain and despair. Then, that bubble burst instantly. I felt totally empty. I no longer felt pain. I just wanted to really leave, disappear. I realized that I am really nothing. I am a bad actor in a show I no longer care about

8 Replies

Please don't say these things about yourself. You are so much more than that and what you think about yourself. I know its easy for someone else to say that because they are not in your head and don't feel what you feel. I do feel that way too alot esp the feeling like you just want to disappear thing is what I've always used to describe the way I feel so I know what you mean and when my sister tells me pls don't say that I can't help it because that's just how you feel in the moment. I wish I could make us all feel better and take away the despair,self hate and depression most of us feel. It is a struggle, I know it is. I hope you feel better my friend and these feelings you are having fade away into good thoughts and feelings. You are in my prayers friend. 😇💕

hayrikki profile image
hayrikki in reply to

I have lost my feelings . I just don't care. I know it is not a good thing but it is true. I am nothing

hayrikki profile image
hayrikki in reply to

Sorry I didn't respond to your post right away. I was touch and go for a while. I am a b I think better. Thank you for your caring support. It means a lot to me

I can totally feel and understand your situation as that’s what I feel on a daily basis. I remember going out and noticing how detached I felt amongst the crowd. It’s like one of those movie scenes where the crowds are walking past the main character at highspeeds, but the main character is stuck there frozen in time. I also feel like maybe mine is just a nightmare and soon I’ll awake, but I’m still here feeling lost, confused, empty, and abandoned. Wish I can help u but I’m in a similar situation too, still though I would like to say do wat you can and leave the rest that’s out of your control to the universe or god to take care of...best of luck and hope u have a wonderful day.

L.x.

hayrikki profile image
hayrikki in reply to

Yes when you have nothing but empty.why exist? There is no reason.

in reply to hayrikki

I think about that all the time no bs! I’m not sure if it’s because I’m a coward or if it’s our natural instinct to want to survive that’s hardwired in us, but yea I’m still here. I’m so lost and confused myself. My situation hasn’t gotten any better and I’m not entirely sure if it ever will. I was always a fighter and still am and quite frankly I kinda don’t want to go out like that even though my life sucks and I’m shunned from society. So you see I’m stuck and it stinks because at the same time I really don’t see the point in prolonging this sad and lonely existence I’m living. I can’t figure out exactly why or what’s stopping me from doing it as my life is nothing but sorrow and sadness. I hate to say this, but when I hear about someone who wants to die it hurst me a lot to know that they are in such pain and agony they’d rather leave(including myself):( I don’t have the answers for you and I don’t know what the hell is going on either, but I want you to know that somewhere out there’s also someone hurting and feeling the same way you do and hopefully you can find some sort of comfort in that because feeling like your the only one in the world who’s feeling like this is a very terrifying feeling. Sending out love to ya and an early merry Christmas.

I would have felt the same way. I think Black Friday is a good name for it. I know there are people there who are buying presents they could not afford to give normally, but some people are shopping out of pure greed. The emphasis on material objects does not do much to feed the mind or the soul.

What has inspired you in the past? Music? Spiritual readings? Meditation? Prayer? Nature? A particular friend? Whatever it is, plug yourself back in and try to put that experience behind you. If you are feeling empty, you need to fill yourself back up with good things that sustain you.

If the feeling continues - call your doc.

Hi hayrikki! 3 Things I wish to tell you: 1. It seems as though you have died on the inside and are just going through the motions. 2nd of all, those "empty" feelings are a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder. (Google it) I have it as well. Fill your emptiness with meaning and valuable things, like helping others, finding a purpose, taking up a new hobby, watching positive and uplifting movies, comedies, etc. 3rd thing is that you need to work on your self-hate. I have that as well because I was raised by extremely abusive parents (ritual cult abuse) and I am learning to love myself again. There is a great book by Louise Hay called You Can Heal Your Life. Ebay and Amazon should have it used for a few bucks. It is about self-love and it says that when you start loving yourself and treating yourself right, others will too; it changes your energy (aura) and attracts love and respect. Look, no matter what you have done or who you THINK you are, you are worthy of love. No matter how others treat you, you deserve love and also the way people treat you DOES NOT DEFINE YOU OR WHO YOU ARE! Get engaged in life again! Feel. Open yourself up to emotions. Start tearing down that wall that has been built up around you. Allow yourself to FEEL however you need to. Look up free articles on the internet about self love. Also practice self-care. TREAT yourself the same way you would treat someone you care about. Love begins within. BTW there are mood stabilizers for Borderline Personality Disorder; maybe talk to your psychiatrist about that? I tried Latuda; it did not work for me but I have been on Abilify for years now, it works very well. I know that there is a big myth out there that we are all destined to have a particular purpose but I have come to realize that YOU have to CREATE your own purpose here in life. No one else or cosmic stars can do that for you. Volunteer. Get on here and help answer people. Give someone a hug or gift "just because." Get out of your comfort zone. Spend time in nature. Take a camping trip. Camping is one of my fave cheap vacations! I hope all this helps! PM me anytime! Smiles!

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