Starting Anew When Most Of Your Life Has Been Traumatic

[SamanthaTseng]

I just joined HealthUnlocked as I really need an outlet. My life has been very tough. I turned 21 in July and I'm a survivor of so many things I feel I shouldn't have to be. Looking for advice. I apologize in advance for the long post, but it goes to show what I'm dealing with.

I am a 10 year survivor of domestic violence at the hands of my mother. I was completely isolated from the world aside from going to school and occasionally going on errands with her. I was also mentally, emotionally and physically abused. I couldn't escape her and so I tried for several years to try and make things work to no avail. My depression started at 11 due to this experience and I became suicidal. My biological dad abandoned me as a baby, but thankfully my current (adopted) dad was there for me throughout my life and actually helped me escape domestic violence. I left my mom at 17 and began dating my first love months later, but that relationship turned out to be traumatic, too.

I was raped, cheated on and other things. He even asked if he could invite another girl into the relationship. I was so used to being abused I didn't realize that the relationship was wrong and I should've ended the relationship sooner. My boyfriend broke his leg shortly after we got together and so I waited for him to recover. I forgave him for his mistakes as I figured they were a side effect of him being bed bound or having limited mobility, depending on the time between surgeries, as it was causing him to be depressed and emotionally needy. I gave 110% in the relationship while he gave about 10%. I was constantly trying to compensate for what he wasn't providing thinking I should be compassionate given his injury. There were times where I didn't see him for 6 months straight. I broke up with him in August after almost 4 years of being together because I was too unhappy. I waited 4 years to be with him and ultimately, after begging me to stay initially, he said he isn't up to dating after all right now. I feel my time, the money I spent on him and my emotions were wasted.

My college experience has been a painful one. It was so competitive that I literally maxed out my college credits every semester to try and get ahead and I worked between 30 and 35 hours a week trying to save up money. I woke up at 5 am every morning and got home between 10 PM and midnight. It drained me of my will to live. I was also going to college for something I wasn't passionate about because my dad wanted me to go to college asap. Now I have an associate's degree in something I'll never do and I'm withdrawing just before I'd get my bachelor's degree because I couldn't take the unhappiness anymore. I literally wanted to die. I barely had friends because everyone was so busy and my friends from high school mostly moved away. I'm socially isolated.

I worked several internships and with organizations to get experience. I won awards for community service, social media and administrative, literally made room plans for the floor of a skyscraper, worked with a leading online ecommerce marketplace and yet its still incredibly hard for me to get a job. It seems like working hard means nothing because at the end of the day if you aren't needed, appreciated or companies can't afford to hire the impressive work doesn't matter. Despite my impressive portfolio people want to only pay me minimum wage for my services. I need to get a car, but can't due to this financial predicament.

Overall the last half of this year has been absolute chaos. I lost my boyfriend of almost 4 years, my college career of almost 4 years has come to an end and I don't know how to proceed, I lost my job in August due to the company failing, can't seem to find a new job, I'm running out of funds and I'm trying to start a new chapter of my life, but can't help but notice a pattern. How do you come to terms with starting anew when your life has been primarily hurtful? I have a tiny, loose knit family due to mental illness being prevalent and so its not like I have much of a support group to turn to. I started a blog as I don't ever want to do nothing, but I'm so depressed and drained of my will that it's hard to post consistently.

I'm a pure-hearted, good person, but when life keeps taking everything you care about away it feels like torture. I try to be strong and motivational to others by pressing on, but honestly I often feel like waiting until medically assisted suicide becomes legal so that I can take advantage of it. It feels like I'm doing everything right, but it doesn't even matter.

[Windy101]

You have been through so much. Most people with trauma like this can benefit from counseling and often medication. Have you tried this kind of help?

You sound very intelligent, but absolutely burned out. Nothing here is hopeless. This sounds like a good time to get some rest and help for your trauma. You can also think about what you really want to do.

One reason it may be hard to find a job is that you've done all the work fora bachelor's degree with one semester left. When you're feeling stronger and rested, an option might be to go ahead and finish it, even if it's not a field you love. Then you'll have that degree, something no one can ever take away from you. You can do with it what you want. Maybe you'll decide to use it as a springboard to grad school in the field that you really want to work in.

I'm so sorry about what you've been through. You had a right to be loved, nurtured, and protected by your mom, and should never have been victimized by her. And yes, it does sound like you repeated that pattern with a boyfriend. But it also sounds like you learned an amazing amount from that relationship. Think about the red flags that were there so you'll know the warning signs next time. You can even find lists of what to watch out for online. You never have to go through this again, and you were brave and strong enough to get yourself out of it.

You have so much going for you and so much to offer to others in the way of compassion and empathy. But for now, you really need to take care of yourself. You don't have to find a career job, even. Just one that brings in some money and that wouldn't stress you out might help.

The people who have treated you badly are the ones who should feel ashamed and bad about themselves. You are a survivor and have done nothing wrong. Please give yourself a break and use this time to really start healing.

[SamanthaTseng in reply to Windy101]

Thank you Windy101. Talk therapy helps, but I've avoided medication as many in my family have a dependency on it and I don't want to end up that way. I've tried to turn to meditation, games as distractions and music. Thank you for the advice as I'm admittedly a workaholic and have a hard time focusing on my self. I'm too selfless. I will try to heal. I recently found an accelerated Bachelors and Masters program that I plan to enter a year from now. I think it will really help me progress forward. It's nice to be critiqued by others as they can see things about you that you can't. You're right.

[Rick1on1]

Hi,

The first thing you need to do is pat yourself on the back. You have survived through all this trauma and have developed the following in spite of it:

1. Resilience

2. Patience and Compassion

3. Drive and Determination

If your financial situation does not change soon, then temporarily downgrade your lifestyle a notch or 2 until it becomes better. It's just a matter of time - if you continue what you are doing your break will come.

I would recommend some medical assistance. You have a strong-will and most Depression meds is not addictive. In South Africa, we have a over the counter medication called Elev8. It contains Zembrin a thoroughly researched herbal extract. It will help you to calm down and regain your focus.

There are other things you can do to help, so let me know if you need to discuss them.

You have amazing potential to be a force for good and change in our World - dont take yourself from that path.