Dealing with guilt.

[StereotypicalPisces]

For as long as I’ve had severe anxiety I’ve been having to push people away who want to be here for me and back out of social situations. I particularly feel bad about my boyfriend. We’ve been together for about a year and a half now and it breaks my heart everytime I have to cancel a date or keep him away from me when I get overwhelmed. I know he cares and wants to comfort me but I start to feel claustrophobic and I know even though he’s been amazing and understanding, I feel bad because I know deep down inside he misses taking me out and being intimate with me but he doesn’t show it because he knows how sick I’m feeling already with my anxiety. I feel like I’m losing all my friends because I can’t even go out to a restaurant, movie, bowling because it’s all too much for me these past few months and don’t feel like talking much and they don’t understand how bad my panic attacks truly are and how scary they can be. I had been making drastic improvements from where I had started but now I’m starting to have panic attacks again and was finally able to start going on my out and working and now I can’t do any of those anymore and I am losing hope. I was getting so much better and then a few days ago I had a panic attack at work and one in the middle of the night and I feel like I’m starting from square one again. I feel like I’ve failed. I’ve been going from doctor to doctor and I’m going to talk to a therapist for the first time tomorrow after going to a psychiatrist last week. I feel like I’m taking the right steps to keep it from overcoming me but I feel like I continue to step backwards in my progress I once made and I’m depressed and frustrated with myself and my body. How do I keep myself motivated to move forward and not let fear take over me?

[Rick1on1]

Hi,

Take heart in knowing that everyone here has "taken 2 steps forward and 1 step back"...sometimes it's " 1 step forward and 3 back". Realize that it is part of the process. What meds are you taking?

Guilt is a big trigger for Depression. You have to realize that you are not to blame for your illness.

What I have found works for me is setting boundaries for the people in my life. I space out meetings, only deal with small groups and limit the time I spend with people. We all need support and the fellowship that others bring. You just need to control the situation or event and end it before it becomes to much.

The way you handle your boyfriend is of course a much more delicate situation. Are there any activities that you can do that does not trigger your Anxiety?

[StereotypicalPisces in reply to Rick1on1]

I’m on Xanax and I haven’t started the Remeron my doctor prescribed because I’ve had such bad reactions to other antidepressants that I’m way too scared to try more. And I’m also on metoprolol for the high blood pressure and heart palpitations I get when anxious.

[Rick1on1 in reply to StereotypicalPisces]

Did you mention your bad experiences with anti-depressants before the doctor prescribed Remeron? It does not work like the typical anti-depressants prescibed (SSRI's); so he/she may have taken that into account.

At least try half a dose until you feel more comfortable with taking all the meds together. Also try taking the meds at different times in the day.

[StereotypicalPisces in reply to Rick1on1]

I did talk to him about the reactions

[StereotypicalPisces in reply to Rick1on1]

As far as activities I can do, that I’m still learning and taking step by step. One day I can go out to a restaurant and the next day I’m too scared but usually low key things at places that aren’t crowded are best but usually we’ve been doing at-home dates with movies and our favorite shows with some take out food, but I know he wants to treat me to bigger and better dates. But also it’s just been the best for us lately. The closer the holidays are the more busy both of us will be at work and we really won’t have much time to go out and date this time of year. But I know sooner or later we should try to get me out of my comfort zone. Maybe when the holidays are over my anxiety will lessen. Plus I just stated therapy today so who knows where that will take me.

[Rick1on1 in reply to StereotypicalPisces]

Great! This is a much more positive outlook than your original post!

Do you know why you get anxious?

[Hidden]

I can relate don’t know if I can help but I’ll let you know that I’m in the same boat. Lived with crippling anxiety and agoraphobia for 8-10 years now. I’ve always had to force myself or prepare myself mentally every time I decide to go out. When my anxiety first developed I was able to overcome it and socialize normally. It then came back and just like you I felt like I’m back to square one. This happened on and off and I had to accept that maybe it wasn’t going to be “cured” or go away completely. It’s very depressing and demoralizing to know that I gave up everything to combat this disorder and anxiety doesn’t give a damn about my feelings. I took meds also, but felt like I mine as well eat ecstasy too because that’s how I felt when I took Effexor or Ativan I think lol...I’m confused and lost just as much as you are. All I know is if I could I would. Been trying my whole life and still continue to do so. Hate feeling like I’m a burden to loved ones and above all hate that I feel like I’m at fault for causing others great stress because of my anxiety. Best of luck and do the best you can because that’s all we can do