Feeling the spiral and going down

[its_Gi_again]

It's been about a week now since I last felt super down. I've been good, I've been alright. But tonight, I've been thinking and overthinking about the mistakes I've made in the past few months, the fact that my foot is messed up (fractured a bone) and it's frustrating to be on crutches, family pressures, I don't have a job, school stress, and of course, the biggest thing on my mind, the fact that I'm hopelessly in love with someone who is probably forgetting me by now.

I don't know why that last one is always the one that gets me and just makes me feel the worst. But I can't stop thinking about him. I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since things happened between us over the summer. I hate myself and the fact that I've been doing stupid things and searching for myself and love in all the wrong places. I feel like I'll lose him for good and I truly believe it's my fault.

I have abandonment issues; it's one of my main schemas, as we discovered in my therapy, along with self-sacrificing. Everyone leaves me. And I try to make the thought go away, but I'm so sure it's me. It's my fault. I mess up, im not worth it, i don't deserve things.

I don't know. I hate the idea that something as silly as love or a guy could trigger me back into a bad spot. I prefer to believe that I'm just sick. I wish I could be sicker... has anyone else ever had that horrible thought? I wish something bad would just happen to me so that I had an actual reason to be feeling this bad.

I don't want to get lower than this, but I can already feel myself going down.... not again.

[Karmakat]

I feel so bad for you and yes i too have wished i was sick physically and just die...but then i think of family and how they would be so destroyed...so please remember that you too have people who love you...also, as for the sadness for the guy...when you think of it hard is he really worth it, would he feel so bad for you if the situation was reversed...if not he is probably not worth it. If he really cared would he not be there for you? I obviously know nothing about yours and his situation but i am just going by my many years of experience dating and how now i wished i had not given the time of day to so many guys and then my mentality suffered because of them..please dont make the same mistake and make yourself sick over some guy if you know in your heart it may not go anywhere.. you sound young and there will be many other great guys out there for you and trust me one day you will find the one and look back like i did and say why did i take that so badly...???

Also, thinking and ruminating thoughts are not healthy for you, it attracts more of the same thoughts in your head and it all goes around and around, try keep busy with other activities you enjoy and say "stop" when these thoughts of him keep coming up...unless you know he wants you as much, you are really not helping yourself by obsessive thoughts...again...ive been there and it is awful...it feels like the worst thing in life...but then when i got over them i would look back and say what a fool i was for stressing and being so depressed over them...they werent even worth it...

Or...as you say maybe you are very depressed and it has nothing to do with this guy and you think it does and are looking for a reason as to why you feel so bad...maybe you need to see a doctor for meds, which i am not a fan of, but they do help some people, it could be a chemical thing in your brain too...or you need more counseling etc...

[ComingUpRoses]

I frequently wish I were ill or had something bad happen so that I had a reason to feel so badly. Just last night I found myself wishing an oncoming car would drift into my lane, but I figured then with my luck I'd be fine but then there'd be no car. So it wouldn't be good.

Is this man still around and in your life in any way? If not, it may be good to try and let him go. I know this is soooo much easier said than done. We do ourselves no favors when we get stuck on things. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I feel your pain deeply and understand just how difficult it is to look up when you've been stuck looking down for so long.

And btw, I don't think it's silly to be triggered back into a rough spot by love or a guy. Love can be a cruel mistress, and we all struggle with it. It can be utterly rewarding, then immediately turn around and steal everything away. Please, do not beat yourself up over it. Give yourself some time to feel this. Give yourself permission to feel like crap today.