Feeling overwhelmed, need advice

I met this girl when i was in the hospital and we exchanged phone numbers. She was discharged before me and started the partial program, I was discharged a week later and then I started the partial program. We started hanging out there and after the program ended for the day. We were spending a lot of time together and she is 20 years old, painfully shy and quiet. I enjoyed her company but things started to get a little intimate. We started to hold hands and eventually kissed. I felt like this was going way to fast and I wasnt taking care of myself and not taking the program seriously. I was not looking for a relationship and it just happened. I am not usually attracted to women and again, it just happened. I started to get anxiety over it and I wrote her a letter explaining that I can't be involved with someone right now and that I need to take care of myself. She took the letter very hard and was sending me text messages saying that I broke her heart and that she was going to go out and drink. I had to block her number and my anxiety was high. She showed up at the program and wanted to talk to me but I ignored her because it was to upsetting to talk with her. She left a note on my car and I didn't read it until a week later. She basically said that I should give her a second chance and that we could grow old together. I didn't respond to the letter and left it at that. One day out of the blue I get this text from someone and I had no clue who it was until she called me and it was her. She keeps texting me everyday and wanting to talk and I am not ready to talk to her. I don't feel attracted to her like that and I just can't have a relationship right now, I can barely take care of myself! What would you do in this situation? I feel bad and guilty because I have never been able to set boundaries and it just feels weird to me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you for listening.

Beth

2 Replies

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  • Hi Beth,

    I have had issues with boundaries and guilt as well. I understand where you are coming from. You are very strong to tell her you need to work on yourself first and that you aren't ready. YOU come first. Continue to focus on yourself and do not allow yourself to feel guilty because you are disappointing someone you barely know. Do not feel guilty when she says "give me a second chance" or "if you don't go out with me I will go out and drink". I understand it's hard, but that is not your responsibility. You have to live your path and not allow others to disrupt it. Do not allow her to manipulate you out of your pure intentions! You will end up unhappy.

    Continue to tell her you are unavailable right now and you have to work on yourself. Persistence is key to boundaries. Eventually it will come naturally if you keep trying and you won't feel guilty for it anymore. If she continues to bother you, distance yourself or ignore her. You are worth it. You will need to do it for your own health.

    Good luck :^)

  • Thank you for the reply. You are right about taking care of me and having boundaries! I talked with my therapist about on Monday and she helped me write up a text to send her. It was very direct and to the point. The last sentence said that I would not respond to her texts. I did feel guilty for a while and wondered if she would go out and do something stupid but that has faded. I really wish her the best and I hope she uses good judgement but I have no control over her. I do have control over myself and even though this feels "foreign" to me, its something that I have to work on. :)

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