Unwanted

[Unloved]

I'm new to the group. I was diagnosed with PTSD, depression and generalized anxiety disorder. I am a 45 year old female. All of my life I have felt unwanted, unloved, and alone. I had a really bad childhood, I was told over and over how I wasn't wanted by my mother. Now here I sit after pushing my husband of 8 years away, we separated for a week in July, got back together to work on us and I started counseling cause I want to get better ( if that's possible) and be happy. My husband is 2 hrs away working, so my kids (not his) and myself will see him maybe every other weekend. He doesn't understand I need him here that I need his support, that this is making the feelings of being alone, unwanted and unloved so much stronger. If anyone can relate please tell me there is hope for getting better and finding strength and happiness.

[kinikia95 ADAA Volunteer]

I'm 48 female with depression, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder. Yes I can relate to feeling unwanted, unloved, and alone. That's me to the T. My childhood wasn't abusive per se but I was told multiple times by my mother that I was ugly and always teased by family for various random issues. I'm an introvert and the rest of my family was extroverted and popular so I was always the odd man out. Later in life when I got positive feedback for being what they thought was smart and attractive I couldn't believe it. I pushed everyone away in response throughout life, including the love of my life and other decent men, because I didn't feel worthy. I didn't hear where you told your husband about your issues. Maybe he doesn't understand because you haven't told him? My advice - tell him! I sure wish I had. If you haven't already, swallow your pride and just step out of your comfort zone and tell him how much you admire and need him despite your issues if he's worth it. We're all valuable and he loved you enough to marry you - that's a big deal and a huge vote of confidence. He saw your worth. Let him know you see his too and you want to be together.

[Unloved in reply to kinikia95]

Thank You. I pushed him away because I exactly felt unworthy, I just keep waiting to be hurt again. He does know my issues, I have told him and he knows my last relationship was 10 years trapped in domestic violence. I have also told him how my childhood was. I was not physically abused just told over and over how I was a girl and ruined her marriage to my dad. There was other mental abuse that left me with the wrong view of sex also. I don't know how to explain to my husband how much I need his emotional support right now, and just need him to hold me. I just recently started counseling to get better and everytime I try to explain my feelings to him I cry and the words in my head don't come out of my mouth the right way. Can you relate?

[kinikia95 ADAA Volunteer in reply to Unloved]

Hey sweetheart, I've seen your later posts and I can't say I know the answers because you have a lot going on. But can I relate to both your being in an abusive relationship and being cheated on by a husband? To both those things I unfortunately can say yes. I'm glad you're seeing a counselor and I hope it's a good one.

[lostinlove927]

I think it's a really good opportunity for you take this time. Away from your husband. To work on your? Personal. Issues. It is my personal opinion that a person should find peace within themselves 1st. Then you can bring happiness and peace of mind home to your family. I pray for you to have courage faith love and endurance in your life. Get well soon. God bless.

[Unloved in reply to lostinlove927]

Thank you.

[Rafi-]

Then be a better mom your mom wasn't. A better wife? Well if he doesn't understand then you should make him. You deserve better.. we all do but if no one can give you that feeling then create it yourself! You are strong ❤️

[Unloved in reply to Rafi-]

Thank you for your words of support.

[Lostjoy]

I can relate also. My Mother is schizophrenic. My Father was an alcoholic who committed suicide, so my childhood was not so good. I have very low self esteem. I've heard so many negative things about myself (including being physically attacked by my Mother) through the years that I kind of buried it all.

I can say that I never let it bother me to much until last year when everything came crashing down. My anxiety and depression spiraled.

My husband is not very supportive. I seldom hear anything nice from him. It's easier for him to point out my flaws, and what I'm doing wrong rather than compliment me on anything. I know his childhood was rough also, and I don't think he does this on purpose. But at this point in my life I really need to be lifted up. I need to hear good things about myself. I tried explaining this to him earlier, so I hope he gets the point.

This last week I have been feeling better. So I know there is hope. I just turned 53, and this has been going on for since Feb of this year. I feel like the worst is behind me.

I just want you to know that there is hope. You can get through this. It doesn't last forever. Menopause is part of my problem as well. Our hormones get all out of whack.

Best wishes for you to feel better..

[Unloved in reply to Lostjoy]

I am so relieved that someone can relate. My husband also did not have the best childhood. His parents divorced when he was a toddler and he was raised by an uncaring and mean step-mother. But now him and his father have a great relationship, whenever he needs him he's always there, and his mother and him do speak even though she lives out of state. He also has a brother who is only 16 months younger than him. Me on the other hand my father passed in 2010 from a stroke. I was his only child so that is when my depression began to spiral, and I started shuting my husband out just waiting to be hurt because all of my life I have felt unworthy. My first marriage at 18 was awful, I was raped and then left with two young children after 6 years of marriage after being told that I would never be a size ten again. At 18 I was a size 8, but I gave birth to my first child who weighed 10 pounds and I was never successful at losing the weight. At 25, freshly divorced I ended up getting pregnant with my third child because I wanted to feel loved or pretty. After his birth I ended up in a relationship with a man who became a drug user and very abusive to me. I spent ten years trapped in this relationship being beat regularly and told how worth I was. I ended up pregnant with twins and after their birth I finally got out with all five of my kids because he had child support issues and ended up being arrested on that. My current husband was an acquaitance of his but he did not know about the abuse. We began talking and one thing led to another. We were very happy, but then months after getting married my second oldest went to live with my ex husband, and my depression rared its head. Then the following year, the loss of my daddy. A couple years later my oldest son quit talking to me because his wife and her mother did not want to share my grand son with me. I was attacked on facebook daily, and she would delete them before he could see. I finally figured out how to take screenshots of the posts, but he wouldn't look so I have not seen him or my grandkids in two and a half years. All of this caused me to just start withdrawing and pushing my husband away by not communicating good or at all with him until he had an affair in june, and we seperated for a week in july. When he came back home is when he admitted to the affair. We are trying to fix us but it is so hard when I can not fix me, and now with him working so far away and just coming home on weekends I feel so alone, unwanted and unloved. The same feelings I have felt since childhood. He doesn't understand I need him here more right now.