I used to be a very driven, perfectionistic student. I worked very hard to achieve high grades. My classes were very challenging. I had no idea what I wanted to do. Fast forward to covid, for about 9 months I was very disciplined & organized. I worked long hours to do well in my online university classes. Then I realized I hated my science classes (always sort of knew that) and they were not the direction for me. But I still had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do. I had no option to do internships or volunteering. I am still in “lockdown”, I will not leave the house for fun things until I’m fully vaccinated. The last thing I need is to become ill.
I’m taking a lighter course load, with classes that actually interest me. Psychology, art, music. Yet I cannot get myself to do them in a timely manner. I have no will or motivation anymore. I am too sad, flat, irritable, hopeless.
My home life is stressful. I have tremendous anxiety around leaving the house (bad events in my neighborhood) which keep me confined to my room. I can completely shed these worries when I am not at home and in a calm environment. But the sadness lingers.
My brother has severe bipolar and his anger is scary. I am not close with my dysfunctional family anyone, who I live with. I have not been for a few years.
How can I motivate myself to keep doing school? I have no idea what I should do with my life, I have no goal to work toward except earning credits, and keeping a 4.0 gpa. I feel a heavy anxiety & depression burden. I just want to know what is the path & goal is for me so I can put all my effort toward it and enjoy my accomplishments.
I honestly feel like a completely different person when I am away from home.
I would feel ruined if I fail my classes. They are so easy.
I know if I do a little every day it would be enjoyable. I just can’t get myself into a routine. I’m so afraid of something bad happening.
I just want my circumstances to be different. Then I know I would thrive. But I can’t change them.
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Purplegirl2
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Hey,I've just read your post and also have seen you replying this evening to some others on the forum. You seem like a really kind and considerate person with alot of determination.
I very much believe you are still the driven and motivated person you say you used to be, you're just having a difficult time at the moment.
I believe you're right in some respects about not being able to change your circumstances, I suppose it's about trying to make the best of them?
I really relate to how you feel about not going out, I have experienced very similar feelings and have locked myself away in the last year. ⁷It's not been easy but I have gradually worked towards going out (a little bit) and I can say, now out the other side, the thought of going out was worse than the reality. I'd still say I prefer being home but going out, just a little, really has done wonders for my mood. It'll be tough but even if you can get yourself out a little bit, you may feel better for it. I'm happy to chat some more about it if you'd like.
As for university, maybe you don't know what you want to do right now or where you're headed. Lots of people in your position don't. Likewise, there will be some who are sure they are on a certain path who will change their mind in a few years time. Not knowing the 'end goal' isn't necessarily a bad thing, wanting to succeed and enjoy your subjects is a good enough reason to keep going for now, the rest will come in time.
It sounds like you put a lot of pressure on yourself to perform! Perform perform! Go go go go go go go go go.
And you’re, like, good at it.
I’ve been there. There’s this question I’ve learned to ask myself. It goes like this: “What’s the least I can do?” For most people, they need to be asking the opposite question, but for you and I, what is the least we can do...
...and still graduate with a 3.0?
...and keep that boyfriend...?
...and still have time to think about what we want?
...and still go out to parties or socialize...?
...and still work on that side hustle that should be a hobby but we don’t allow ourselves hobbies so we named it a side hustle....😅
If you spend your whole life working to a goal, you will not find joy in each moment. Finding joy in the journey is more important. Do you want 80 years of a treacherous journey for a great 80th birthday where everyone loves you and awards you presents? Or do you want 80 years of moments that mattered. That sunset matters. The sound of birds matters. That time your friend laughed so hard that water came out of his nose matters. It all matters. And you..... not so magically and mystically .... will come out on top no matter what. If you want to be a janitor to give you more time to write blog articles, you will be a success. If you want to quit your job and teach English as a second language to third graders in Bali, you will succeed. Not because you will love those things and everyone will love you doing them, but because you are going after your own dreams and owning your own moments. Does that make any sense?
Hi on reading your post to me it's clear that in your life currently it's all work and no play. As you are studying I guess you are young? It's really old and/or seriously ill people who need to stay in and shield themselves. Unless you fit into this category then you need to recognise your mental health is very important too and get yourself out and about a bit more.
I am in my late 60's and have lung disease but I refuse to stay locked indoors like a prisoner as I would go absolutely mad. Ok there is a risk of course there is but all life is a risk. You can go out tomorrow and be run over by a car, you could fall and break your leg, you could also win the lottery. Don't let fear stop you living your life to the full.
Even if you did get covid it's not a death sentence you know. Ok some younger people have died but that is only a very few (sad) minority. The chances of catching it are low especially if you take sensible precautions, and even those in the danger group mainly survive. It's not bubonic plague you know or smallpox where the death rate is close to 100%. It's a serious illness of course it is but many who have had it didn't even know they did. Including a 52 year old friend of mine.
I don’t wish to explain myself but I will say honestly that my Drs agree that it is best for me to avoid getting the virus. I don’t see covid as a death sentence but I choose to do everything I can not to get ill, I don’t want to be a part of the sadly large pop who have long term covid. Also, my school studies cannot afford for me to get sick, usually it dips my grades, and increases my stress levels.
I will be fully vaccinated soon, so once I am, I will be much more comfortable going out for fun.
People’s health comes in many forms, and it is not just the old or seriously ill that are at risk.
My chances of catching it depend highly on what the covid case rates are where I live and how careful my community members are about practicing procedures like mask wearing and social distancing.
You’re right, we all need to take small risks to live a happy life.
I do that most of the time. Right now I choose to live a more guarded life than I ever have, at least it will not last and soon I can live a more normal life. I haven’t always lived like this.
I do have other factors related to where I live, trauma, etc that affect how safe I feel in my neighborhood which impact how comfortable I am going outside. It also is correlated to my anxiety & depression levels.
Well I am not knocking what you or your doctors are saying but surely your grades are slipping now? I think in this case you will just have to accept that this will happen until you feel safer to go out and about again.
I hope you get your second jab soon. I will remind you though that even with the jabs you can still get it but it shouldn't be anywhere near as severe. No one is immune (well there might be some with natural immunity) from catching it. It just depends on the severity. It will be with us for a long long time I'm afraid and who knows if life will ever get back to 'normal'. I don't know but I hope we can one day.
You’re right. There is always a risk even with full immunity. Luckily I do see that risk as being worth taking once I am vaccinated. My grades are good. I still have straight As.
I do what must be done, just not as efficiently as I would prefer. Really not as I’d prefer lol
My routine is all over the place.
I’m working on it.
Some days I can have a normal day with school, other times I am just glad if I took a shower.
By next semester I might be living at school and I should have more structure in my life.
And hopefully by then I can make friends too.
Our world may not go back to “normal” completely, but if I can go out to eat occasionally, see friends, travel sometimes, then I am okay with that. Just as long as covid rates aren’t too high.
Eventually things will be much better even if covid isn’t eradicated. That’s what I meant.
My home life will still be a burden, probably forever, but at least living away from it makes it easier.
Well I hope you are soon in a position to move away from your toxic family members. Remember just because they are family it doesn't mean you have to get too involved with them or suffer through them.
I am not saying go no contact when you finally get away but low contact sounds like a good idea. Sometimes though sadly no contact can be the only way to protect yourself and I have heard a few on here saying they did that.
That's for the future though so just concentrate on doing your studies as best you can and look forward to the day you will be free. Take care.
Hi, sorry you are having a tough go of it. I am much older than you ( my youngest child is in college), but I struggled in college as well. I went as an engineering major and discovered I really disliked Physics which was a requirement. I switched majors a couple of times based on classes I enjoyed and then realized that the class was great because of the professor and not because it was right for me. Finally, I dropped out of college because I didn’t feel I could spend the money when I didn’t have an end goal. BUT I am NOT saying to drop out. I stayed in my college town and by the end of the summer I had a full-time job at the University which allowed me to take 2 classes per semester. I didn’t know what to take, so I scoured the college catalog reading the descriptions of all of the degree programs and tried to picture whether I could see myself doing a job in that field. I found 2 that seemed to fit my personality and since one of them was being phased out, I tried the other one with great success. It took longer because I was studying part time, but I finished my accounting degree and have had a successful career as a CPA. Long story short, it’s okay that you don’t know where you are headed. Things have changed since I went to college, but I know they have resources to help you find your way. There are probably advisors or a career center where you can ask questions and ask for advice. You can talk to professors that you like to see if they have any thoughts. Be aware that some people will not be helpful, but don’t give up seeking answers.
COVID adds a whole new aspect to your situation and lots of people are struggling. It sounds like your home situation is not ideal. I feel for you. It sounds like your goal is to find a way to change that. Getting a degree and getting a job may be your best option. Is that enough to motivate you?
Even if you don’t feel that it is safe to go out, maybe you can find ways to interact with the outside world online.
When I’m struggling to function, I try to work on mindfulness and do the opposite of what I feel like doing, knowing that I will feel better if I accomplish something that will help me work towards my goal. Hang in there! I’m rooting for you!
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