Just existing...

[Mjshells]

I feel like im in the movie groundhogs day. My life is just set on repeat day after day. The only change i get to experience is my life getting darker everyday and more lonely/isolated. I try to stay positive, but it's so hard to make something out of nothing. When you feel so depressed, empty, broken, and alone inside, no matter how good you are at covering your real feelings to the world and acting happy, eventually you "break" and lose control. I really just want to feel normal and happy with myself and my life, but i truly dont see that happening or atleast no where in the near future. I know i dont deserve that after everything I've done in my past and like ive said before, even though i know i don't deserve to be happy, it doesnt stop me from "craving" or wanting to be happy. I hear people, daily, talk about not having many friends, but when i say i have no friends that's EXACTLY what i mean with no embellishment or stretch of the truth. It is so hard trying to find the "light" in such a dark, cold, and lonely exsistance. Everyday is a battle and it is so much worse when you realize no one really cares I feel like i dont belong because i have no friends and most of the ones i did have were only friends when it was convenient or when it benefit them. Im so different than others my age, especially other guys which makes it that much harder to have and keep friends. I live such a lonely life and it breaks me more and more everyday. As lonely as i am though, i would much rather have no friends rather than many that dont care or just use me for their benefit. One amazing friend is always much better than 20 shitty friends that really dont care though, in my opinion anyways.

[Macen]

Hey buddy. You sounded pretty down on yourself there. I'm down on myself a lot too -- I will believe all kinds of things about myself -- like I'm worthless and I'll never be good for anything or good to anyone. I beat myself up with the shame of my past and believe that my past mistakes make me unworthy to live or find love or find happiness. I start to think

I'm out of chances to redeem myself.

These beliefs just aren't true though. We can't let them take root, even if life seems to teach us otherwise. You deserve happiness and peace and friends in your life just as much as everyone else, I promise. Don't compare yourself to the supposed "supermen" you see around you. Trust me they're not as perfect as you think and if they pretend to be so, they only stop themselves from truly empathizing with others and really being happy. You deserve happiness. None of the mistakes you've made in the past have to define who you become.

I agree with you about friends. It's better to have one good one than 20 shitty ones. Distance yourself from these people who bring you down.

My suggestion to make deep friendships: reach out unselfishly. Do something nice for someone you don't know, even if it's just smiling at them and saying hi. The ones who reciprocate and are grateful have good friend potential. Go to places where good people are and offer to help out. They appreciate it more than you know, even if your a bit rough around the edges. I found for me, volunteering at the library was very good. Many librarians are kind hearted and down to earth. People who love kids are also generally good people to be around. Essentially, if your around people who like to help other people, your much more likely to find an authentic friend. Trust me. There are good people out there. But you have to reach out in the right places first. You can do it. Start out small if you have to and remember that the deepest friendships are two sided. You have to try to be a good one yourself first, but I know you can do it.

The very fact that you posted on this site and asked for help proves to me that your sensitive enough to help another person.

For what it's worth, I'm your friend. Yeah, not the deep friend you were looking for, but we're brothers in spirit. I'm going through my own struggles so I may not be the shoulder you can always lean on, but I want to help as much as I can. Please, PM me if you want. Again, you deserve happiness, you deserve friends, your past doesn't define you, and keep reaching out and never give up hope. With all the the love and feeling I can muster, don't give up hope. There is always light ahead.

[Macen]

Also go on a walk. It's what brought me out of some serious suicidal thinking. Listen to some uplifting music that brings you peace. I love songs by KT Tunstall, Norah Jones, and Brandi Carlisle myself but that's just me. (:

[Hidden]

I can't explain how much I relate to this so much right now, makes me want to cry. Please message me if you need to. xoxo

[CapitalT]

With you too, as will be many more, this and other forums keep us going.

If only there were easy answers, whichever way we feel we should go.