Hi everyone, I'm Mason. I'm here because yesterday I wanted to kill myself. I've been struggling with depression, anxiety and addiction for years now, but I'd never entertained the idea of killing myself to the extent I did yesterday. At least, not in a long time.
Needless to say, I've been feeling pretty hopeless lately. I keep flaking out at school (and lots of other stuff) even with multiple chances to succeed. Every time I think I'm starting to figure things out, depression knocks me out of the game. It's a frustrating cycle and I'm just done with it. It's why I wanted to kill myself. It brought me lower than I'd ever felt before and I wasn't thinking clearly at all. I shut myself out from everyone and didn't eat or sleep much for days. I just hid and played games on my computer. I was like this for nearly a week.
Finally, when things got to a low point. I had some irrational change in perspective that made suicide look like a good idea. I sobbed like a child seeing how pitiful I was. I can't really express the feeling right now.
Ironically, trying to write a suicide note is what brought me out of wanting to killing myself. I started writing it and I wanted it to reflect exactly how I felt. It needed to become real on paper. So I went on a walk to try to think. Part of me was praying that I could find out I didn't have to go through with it. I decided to listen to some of my favorite music and with my journal in tow, I headed out the door.
Anyway, I went out and it seemed to be the most beautiful day I'd ever witnessed. It was sunny and the wind was blowing and the lake and the trees. The music was wonderful and for a few hours I was contented. I almost could forget how I felt. After the walk, I didn't want to kill my self anymore. But I'm still not thinking clearly, and I still feel really weird.
So I finally called my dad and we talked about what I should do next. I already had counseling every week and medication but they apparently were insufficient. My dad suggested I do more research on my symptoms and that's what brought me to this site. I just want to talk to some people who know what it's like and get suggestions of how to manage. Mostly I just want to know that it's possible to be a successful human being even when you struggle so much with mental illness