I need more help.

[Macen]

Hi everyone, I'm Mason. I'm here because yesterday I wanted to kill myself. I've been struggling with depression, anxiety and addiction for years now, but I'd never entertained the idea of killing myself to the extent I did yesterday. At least, not in a long time.

Needless to say, I've been feeling pretty hopeless lately. I keep flaking out at school (and lots of other stuff) even with multiple chances to succeed. Every time I think I'm starting to figure things out, depression knocks me out of the game. It's a frustrating cycle and I'm just done with it. It's why I wanted to kill myself. It brought me lower than I'd ever felt before and I wasn't thinking clearly at all. I shut myself out from everyone and didn't eat or sleep much for days. I just hid and played games on my computer. I was like this for nearly a week.

Finally, when things got to a low point. I had some irrational change in perspective that made suicide look like a good idea. I sobbed like a child seeing how pitiful I was. I can't really express the feeling right now.

Ironically, trying to write a suicide note is what brought me out of wanting to killing myself. I started writing it and I wanted it to reflect exactly how I felt. It needed to become real on paper. So I went on a walk to try to think. Part of me was praying that I could find out I didn't have to go through with it. I decided to listen to some of my favorite music and with my journal in tow, I headed out the door.

Anyway, I went out and it seemed to be the most beautiful day I'd ever witnessed. It was sunny and the wind was blowing and the lake and the trees. The music was wonderful and for a few hours I was contented. I almost could forget how I felt. After the walk, I didn't want to kill my self anymore. But I'm still not thinking clearly, and I still feel really weird.

So I finally called my dad and we talked about what I should do next. I already had counseling every week and medication but they apparently were insufficient. My dad suggested I do more research on my symptoms and that's what brought me to this site. I just want to talk to some people who know what it's like and get suggestions of how to manage. Mostly I just want to know that it's possible to be a successful human being even when you struggle so much with mental illness

[RyRywifey Ambassador]

Hey Macen love, I'm so sorry this post hasn't received a response until now, it can be so frustrating when that happens at the time you need to talk most.

I'm so sorry you were feeling this way, it breaks my heart.. you have sooooooo much to live for, so many beautiful things ahead of you as long as YOU choose it.. mental illness is not a hindrance from success unless you allow it to be. Use it as motivation, as a stepping stone, to go so far and be able to look back at how far you've come.. use it as a way to help others.. because you're needed.. people going thru the same thing need you to tell them your story and how you got thru it, we need you on this forum to be one of the voices that helps lift us up when we're down because of mental illness.. your family needs you, life would change drastically in a horrible way without your presence.. love yourself, care for yourself, realize how absolutely terrifyingly strong you indeed are. The force that you are. Pick yourself up and give yourself the world. Whatever it is that you want, whatever it is that you consider success, YOU can have it all, YOU have that power because you are that power. But you must first love yourself. You must first want to spend the rest of your life with yourself, then everything else will begin to fall into place. Please post whenever you are feeling down or just need to vent. We are all here for you and for eachother, you are not alone love 💕Feel free to message me anytime or just post and make new friends and family on this wonderful forum that I'm so happy you found 💕

[Stuck1963]

Hi Mason,

I've been where you are many times, and chances are good that you will find yourself in the same mindset again with suicidal thoughts. Here's the thing, you were really lucky that you went for a walk....being outside walking helped you... so make that a regular thing to go for walks daily and spend time in nature as often as you can, take up some new outdoor hobbies and activities. I find solice in nature as well. It helps me more than anything! Go hiking and backpacking, visit any nearby outdoor stores and shops and join a hiking club or other outdoor groups and clubs where you can make new friends who enjoy the same kinds of things you do....

You are loved and needed here and everywhere... you just have to give yourself time to find your groove.... Every journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.... my journey started with suicidal thoughts and a walk and has so far taken me hundreds of miles on trails in state and national parks including some 14,000 ftpeaks!! My goal is to climb an 8000 meter peak and I am working on training, and collecting equipment to do that...

Setting small daily, weekly and monthly goals and plans also is a big help for overcoming depression... and who am I kidding, sometimes you have to take things minute by minute and make hourly plans for some small things like reading a message here on this forum and offering advice and guidance, making a cup of tea and savoring it's aroma and sweetness... then taking a walk even if it's just around the block or local park...

I hope you are well, and you can message anytime!

((Hugs))

[Maxiomargie]

I see you've received some really good advice from the group. If you ever contemplate suicide again, make sure you pick up the phone. It seems you have a good relationship with your dad, so you can call him. You can message me as well. You seem to be much too young to entertain these thoughts. Everyone here lives with some kind of mental affliction and yes, it can be done. Sometimes you just need to take it moment by moment. If counselling hasn't worked in the past, I would suggest you do some research and find a new counselor. Talk therapy can be very helpful. If you're struggling with addiction, have you tried a 12-Step Program? I was in one for years and it truly saved my life. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. We don't have to be defined by our illnesses. Please, above all, reach out to someone if you ever feel like that again. I'm here for you too. Be gentle with yourself and treat yourself good. You deserve to be happy.

[Justswimming]

Yes it is and good for you taking steps to manage your depression and anxiety. Its especially helpful for family members to know what your going through. I know its hard to share because of fear of judgment.