Support for wife of husband very depressed and anxiety.

[Cklingen]

Hi I'm new to this. but I'm looking for some type of support group that helps me deal with my husband's depression and anxiety. His depression is getting to the point where I'm the blame for everything that goes wrong in his life I don't know which way to turn anymore any suggestions or support groups that anyone knows of would be great.

[quieturban]

I'm going through same thing too. He's been drinking and not accepting it and not getting help. He's depressed cuz he has lots of debt and we don't get to do much anymore. I told him I don't mind the simple things. We don't have to spend too much but he still doesn't listen. He is following bad people and getting into trouble. I just don't know what to do anymore. We are just too different he likes to party but I don't really. I worry about things like him getting so wasted and getting in trouble but he doesn't understand he thinks I'm boring. Feeling suffocated. We use to be happy. I don't know what happened. 😔😔😌

[blackcat64013 in reply to quieturban]

Hi Quieturban,

Thanks for sharing with the forum. New Zealand has a great site about problem drinking and how to talk about it. Other tips pop up on Dr Google if searching for "conversation+problem drinking.

When someone you are close to is drinking too much it can have a really big impact on you.

You may feel uncomfortable about their behaviour, concerned about the money they are spending on alcohol may be causing you financial problems or you may feel unsafe. Perhaps you are also concerned for the person's health, wellbeing and relationships, or the impact their drinking is having on their ability to take responsibility for things, hold down a job or care for children.

It is really important that you know that you are not responsible for their behaviour and that neither you nor anyone else can make someone cut down or stop drinking.

While it isn't your job to fix the person, there are steps you can take to let them know the impact their drinking is having on you and what you will and won't put up with, and you can encourage and help them to make changes.

The following information will help you think through the things you might do or say. What and how you choose to talk to someone will depend on many things including the relationship you have with them.

Seven steps

There are seven steps to the process of talking to someone when you're worried about their drinking.

1. Talk

-

talk to the person you're worried about. Find a time when he or she is sober and when you're both reasonably calm. Ask for five uninterrupted minutes.

Discuss with other close friends and members of the family what you are trying to do. This will make it easier for everyone to take a similar approach and it will be less confusing to the drinker.

2. Communicate

- state the issue or problem and be specific.

Talk about the impact his or her drinking is having on you and others (particularly if children are involved). Encourage the person to think about the effects his or her drinking is having on his or her life. If the person is feeling judged they might feel defensive, so using labels such as 'alcoholic' may not be helpful.

Be clear with the person what behaviours are unacceptable to you.

Be clear about what action you will take if unacceptable behaviours persist. You need to have a plan and know what you will do so you can tell him or her. Don't make idle threats.

Tell the person what change/s you expect.

Be consistent - don't keep changing your mind about what you're saying and don't say one thing and do another.

3. Listen

- listen to their response. Find out how he or she feels.

Be polite, do not interrupt.

Be fair.

Be open to compromise.

4. Find solutions

- explore all the options.

Discuss the changes you are both prepared to make.

Select the best solution.

5. Deciding on actions

- specify the actions that need to be taken; what needs to be done, where, for how long and for whom.

Help the drinker to be realistic. Don't encourage promises that can't be kept. Encourage the person to find an action that is realistic and achievable for them.

6. Put it into practice

- try out what was agreed on.

Don't make it easier to drink by buying alcohol for him or her, giving extra money, or always agreeing to go to the pub. It may be difficult to break these patterns, but he or she is more likely to take you seriously if your actions match what you're saying.

Don't try to hide the effects from the drinker or other people eg, phoning work with excuses, clearing up the mess, putting him or her to bed, covering up bad behaviour, or missing social events for fear of embarrassment.

7.

Review progress

-

Did the agreed actions occur?

If yes, how have you acknowledged this?

If not, try again. Don't give up.

Things to avoid...

•Avoid getting into arguments - it will make it more difficult to talk openly to you about things in the future. For the same reason it's best not to sound as though you're nagging or accusing.

•Putdowns and personal attacks.

•Employing threats, orders or demands.

•Using generalisations - 'YOU always.. . ", Every time you. ..." 'YOU never.. . "

•Dredging up the past as ammunition.

•Adopting a closed position (making statements that stop further discussion or action).

•Rambling (dragging in everything and getting off the topic).

It's important to know that there are stages that a person will go through when they decide to change the way they drink, before they achieve a lasting change. It's also important to accept that as they go through the journey of changing the way they drink, the person you care about might revert back to their old drinking habits at some point. Changing drinking can be a long process, so don't give up too soon.

-did the agreed actions occur?

If yes, how have you acknowledged this?

If not, try again. Don't give up.

Things to avoid...

•Avoid getting into arguments - it will make it more difficult to talk openly to you about things in the future. For the same reason it's best not to sound as though you're nagging or accusing.

•Putdowns and personal attacks.

•Employing threats, orders or demands.

•Using generalisations - 'YOU always.. . ", Every time you. ..." 'YOU never.. . "

•Dredging up the past as ammunition.

•Adopting a closed position (making statements that stop further discussion or action).

•Rambling (dragging in everything and getting off the topic).

It's important to know that there are stages that a person will go through when they decide to change the way they drink, before they achieve a lasting change. It's also important to accept that as they go through the journey of changing the way they drink, the person you care about might revert back to their old drinking habits at some point. Changing drinking can be a long process, so don't give up too soon.

alcohol.org.nz/help-advice/...

[Cklingen in reply to quieturban]

Quieturban,

I know my husband is also starting to drink alot more. I am in the same boat as you with I'm no fun. But he is on medication again. He starts and stops his medication all the time and picks up drinking more. But I believe now his medication doesn't work at all. Because he decides when he needs it. Which causes me to be the blame for his Frustration and sadness. I hear if I wouldn't have married you I would not be this way, your my problem. He has gotten to the point he believes it is all me and if he leaves he will be better.

[quieturban in reply to Cklingen]

He shouldn't blame you. He should instead try to get help to stop the drinking so you can guys can live happily together. I tell my husband that too. It's cuz of the drinking that got him in lots of debt and because of that he's drinking more. My husband is on medication too for his illness but sometimes he misses it and I worry about that. I am getting to the point where I am getting so angry at him because despite everything I still married him and he's just trying to ruin us. That's why I joined this support group because I have no one to talk to and it's starting to affect my health too. I'm taking iron pills for low iron and thyroid pills. U stay strong my dear. He is lucky you are with him despite the drinking because someone else would leave him and not think twice. But I do hope things get better for you guys. He must be a good guy going through a hard time and having a good wife to help him through it. I know it's hard but keep faith. 🤗.

[Cklingen in reply to quieturban]

quieturban

I know they should not blame us. But from what I understand of this is some men self medicate themselves and blame the person closes to them. It is very frustrating, because they typically don't see what is wrong with them. I have been told that some medications can stop working especially if they have stopped them for a period of time then start them back up, I don't know how true this is but he has an appointment tomorrow so crossing my fingers. Every time he gets in this position I get blamed and he starts the deconstruction of our life. I understand how this all can affect you with his self medication and destruction,but they don't see it usually what I have been told. I hope things mellow out in your life and thank you for listening to all of this. I needed this site to deal with day to day because at times the frustration makes you start to second guess yourself with it all. I am also here to listen. If you ever want you can message me also. Again thank you.

[blackcat64013]

Hi Cklingen

It certainly can be tough being the #1 person in depressed person's life.

A fabulous document is available at the link below - it was put together with input from carers

resources.beyondblue.org.au...

There is usually a carers organization which can provide services which include counselling, advice, information and registration.

In Australia we have Carers Australia carersaustralia.com.au/how-...

If you post your general location, by country or State, a forum member with knowledge about the local area should be able to give you better information.

[Cklingen in reply to blackcat64013]

United states, Pennsylvania. Thank you for your reply.