I never thought.

I never thought I would be joining an online community. For anything. Especially not this. Although I have been experiencing intense anxiety and periods of reclusive depression throughout my life, although I've been off and on of medication from the time I was 18 years old and probably needed it much sooner - I'm now about to turn 28 and don't even know how to describe my life because I don't have one. I was very social, a promo model, I did photo shoots. I had too many plans every weekend to even be sustainable. And now going to the grocery store feels like a life achievement. I have locked myself inside for 2 years. I can't get into a car without my palms sweating and I'm so sick of myself. I wake up everyday thinking I can fix it- because In the past I always was able regardless of how dark I was feeling. And I'm mad because this time I can't and it makes me hate me more. I feel like I know how to do better and when I get myself ready to try and walk out I just can't breathe. I didn't see a psychiatrist for a while because I could never afford it. Why the fuck is it 300+ dollars just to get a prescription and someone to pat your knee? I hate the way this world works so much I just feel like leaving. But I have two extremely co dependent people relying on me so I can't. I feel like that's what keeps me here. Bless the lord for that. I've been back on medicine for about a week. I'm gonna keep trying, but damn. I do feel more "stable and in control" but I also still wake up remembering the worst parts of my life and fears everyday. If I even sleep. I guess I'm saying all of this because I've been alone. Very alone and I'm a little more stable and I needed to find a place I wasn't. This may not be the place. But just writing this out has calmed me down mildly. I just don't want to feel alone.

[Windy101]

I'm glad writing this helped you feel less alone. These illnesses rob us of so much that it's staggering at times. On the right med and some good support, you can build a life you love again because the symptons that are overhwhelming you now will be more manageable. Are you in the U.S.? If so, you may qualify for Medicaid and have free doctor's visits and meds.

[DragonTears]

Hey, I am new here too and wasn't actually going to write anything, just look around, but I have found myself replying to posts for a few days now. It is weird how writing stuff down can be liberating. Sorry to hear about the high costs you are facing, that's making stuff worse, for sure. I am glad you have some great people to keep you here and it sounds like you are a believer as well. Is the church an option for support for you? I think all of us on this forum know how you feel at times, not just sayin' either! It is hard and we carry it around with us at all times. I have found that giving support helps me, not just with anxiety and depression, but with anything. Help someone with something and you feel the love. I don;t know much about your day to day, but perhaps you have an opportunity to do something nice for yourself today? just because you deserve it? it can be anything! Or just do something different? use a different perfume or wear something different....do your hair differently....sometimes a small change can drive the brain out from that dark corner and give you a breather. We are all here for you if you want to talk! just give us another update soon Hugs xx