I'm not doing very well

[SilentSinger55]

!TRIGGER WARNING!

So I don't know if I'm gonna post this but I'm gonna type it out and see how it goes. I don't know what's wrong with me. I mean, I have a diagnosis or whatever but like, what is WRONG with me? I can be in the most normal, relaxed, or even happy situations and all I can think about is how much I wanna die. I don't even think I really do but my brain just screams it at me 24/7 and I can't get it out of my head! I don't tell people because I feel like a lot of the people around me are relying on me to be there to help them up when they fall but right now, I feel like I'm the one who's gonna need help soon and I don't know who to talk to about it. I've started having really bad self-harm thoughts and urges again and I thought if maybe I focused on something else for a little bit (this sounds so stupid go ahead and ignore me) like my weight and body image it might help. Now I'm obsessed with food. I don't have an eating disorder but I just like, have a hard time eating. (again) I've had troubles with food my whole life and I'm overweight so I'm not too concerned about it. I'm just so overwhelmed with like, myself and I don't know how to explain it. My mood shifts are getting tremendously worse (I have bpd) and everyone around me has said something about that at some point. I'm just messed up right now and I don't know what to do.

Now is the part where you forget you ever read this and go on with your day

(Especially you Kris and Jaquee)

[janluvzcatz]

You are dealing with depression and crying for help. Is there anyone you trust to talk with about your feelings? You need to find someone, even this on line help is better than no one. Seems that Kris and Jacquee are part of your life, maybe a negative part--?? Hurting yourself or even thinking about doing this is your need for someone to be there for you. Do you live in an area with any free counseling services? Is this something you think would help you? Please reach out to any family, friends, whoever, to help you.

[SilentSinger55 in reply to janluvzcatz]

Kris and Jaquee are my best friends But I get embarrassed to talk to them about how I feel because I tend to be the rock of the group. If my area did have free counceling, I wouldn't know about it and I stopped seeing my therapist because I was doing well on my own and she wasn't helping me anyway. I'm also embarrassed to reach out to my family because I've been in and out of psychiatric hospitals for the past 4 years and I've been out for a while year now, doing better than ever before. I just don't want to burden of disappoint anyone, you know?

[janluvzcatz in reply to SilentSinger55]

Therapists are NOT created equal. Some are good; some are not. SS55, please don't ever think of yourself as a burden or a disappointment. It sounds as if you have been trying to get better. The process just isn't easy. And please talk with your friends, even as the "rock" in your group. You are a person with problems, just as human as they are. Maybe they can help you. This on line support is okay, but it just does not replace talking in person with someone you feel can help you, someone you trust. You may have to do some searching to find that person. Whatever you do, you know who truly cares about you. Please just don't quit on yourself.

[Hidden]

This is how I feel. Every fucking day. I have no therapist to talk to, no one really. Whenever I do, it's threats of being hospitalized. It's almost a matter of when and not if. I hope you're ok and can seek the help you need.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

You have me to talk to I already told you that. I'm here anytime

[SquirrelsHolt]

Take hold of the kind hands that understand you and let them guide you to the service's where you live or the next big town where they often have certain days to help genuine people like yourself. Dont rely on anybody else too much as this is a process you need to travel through yourself. You'll be able to do this as they've systems in place to suit all ok. Ive done it in the UK and yes its hard, yes it's painful and OMG did i cry at even silly, inconsequential things but i came out the other end. Still a work in progress and don't expect miracles BUT I'm far happier within myself regardless of the debris I've left behind ☹️. Dealing with all the effects my previous actions took, it will take a lot to put what i can right. Still I'm trying to get to the point,that if you go for it and put 100%in, you WILL see a far, happier you and that's a great place to start from. I wish you well. 🐿🌈x

[Tink3rb3ll1972]

Please get an app called DARE it will help you through with all these thoughts and normalise then did you and explain how you have to put space between yourself and the thoughts when you find ways to calm down the thoughts which give you those bodily sensations will ease please try it x x

[SquirrelsHolt in reply to Tink3rb3ll1972]

Hi there Tink3rb3ll1972 (golly that's a tricky one to get right if not paying attention, lol😂!!

You mentioned an app called DARE and I'm curious if it's by the author of Dare, who typicallt has slipped my mind. If it is the very same lady who wrote an amaxing book about anxiety, stress and panic attacks and much, much more then that's a good read and in some respects, puts things you or I would worry about , into perspective.

Good luck and remember every time you post on here or indeed other sites, you are looking to pull your life back together........and for as long as you keep doing that, you will get there.......you will 😀. 🐿🌈

[SilentSinger55 in reply to Tink3rb3ll1972]

I'll check it out, thank you!!💕