I'm new here...

[loren1212]

I don't want to be here. I don't want to admit the things that make me me at this point. I guess I have to start dealing with it though.

I was diagnosed with Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, and OCD. I knew about the anxiety. I knew about the depression. I lived with those, I dealt with them on a daily basis for years without names or diagnoses. I guess, if we're being honest, I think I knew about the PTSD and the OCD too but who knew that 7 letters could be so terrifying. I couldn't even say them out loud for several weeks after the doctor said it.

I started counseling, which was like pulling teeth for me. I started because I couldn't watch my friends and family be so worried about me and not do anything. Now, all I want to do is quit. It's too hard, it hurts too much, and I don't know if it will ever help.

I can't sleep at night. The nightmares have been tormenting me for as long as I can remember. The therapy doesn't seem to help. The medications don't seem to help. The new house, the new bedroom, the new mattress, the new pillow and sheets, the music and white noise, the essential oils, the melatonin.... the anything... nothing seems to help.

School time is coming around again, and as a teacher, that means so much anxiety and planning and preparing and fretting and worrying. The meetings start soon, the lesson planning will take over, and I will bury myself in work. And the OCD will take over and I will do everything time and time again and reorganize and realign and straighten everything. The perfectionism will kick in and I will spend 12+ hours in my classroom trying to get things right and being so upset that I can't.

So I am here. I am new here. I'm alone and I don't want to be anymore.

[DMM218]

Counseling is hard. You bring up memories feelings. It's tough. But, when it's such a painful experience it's usually before it all starts to make sense. That's my experience of counseling so please don't stop.

Another therapy for ptsd is eye movement desensitization. It's less traumatic but highly regarded. I've not had that but was starting it, money ran out so therapy cancelled before we started the real work.

There are other options such as CBT which can be useful for OCD etc.

You sound despairing, as of your future is set. It's note, don't lose heart nor hope because it will get better. It may take much longer than you expect but maybe it's slow healing and not a quick fix.

There are things you know you can try to avoid triggers. You can create systems to avoid overwork. This year you need to take care of yourself, the jobs perfection isn't worth your mental and physical destruction.

Perfection is a meaningless goal never achieved. Stop setting yourself up to fail. Explore and accept imperfection. We can't learn anything with perfect. But imperfect gives us so many ways to change and alter and adapt. You need to learn that.

Message me if you need to chat. Let me know if this helps - or not . God Bless.

[DMM218 in reply to DMM218]

I've got imperfection done to an art form!