Saving our marriage

[Smoke722]

Reaching out to find help support and guidance. Today I've been married to my husband for 11 years, we have two healthy kids ages 13 and 16. He has told me that the only thing that he has done right in his life are our kids. They love him dearly as do I. I known for years that he suffers with depression. I've tried to get him to go to counseling, find support. He went to an appointment maybe three times after his mother passed, last year than stop. Told me the doctor said there was nothing wrong with him. we been to marriage counseling, stop because he said it doesn't work. He has told me because of our relationship, stress over our finances, is the reason for him feeling the way he does. For years he would sit alone, up all night watching tv until he passed out. His sleeping habits off. We are not intimate because he says he can't. He has these pains that can't be explained and when he goes to see the doctor he say they tell him he is fine. This past June I moved out of my home and currently sub-leading an apartment, because I lost hope, he said he was unhappy because of me. I felt I was in a marriage in which I was alone. How can our marriage be saved. I love my husband, want our marriage to heal, but I feel as if he keeps pushing me away. I am open to advice

[Hidden]

Hi nice to meet you. I do feel for what you are going through as depression can be a very selfish illness. Does he recognise that he is suffering from depression? If not I wonder if that's the reason he refuses to go to counselling?

If he does acknowledge it why won't he go? To be honest I would make it a condition of possibly getting back with him that he does get help and takes meds maybe and certainly more counselling. He would need to be doing this for a set period to start to recover a bit. It is very common with depressives to push those they love away, but it must be hell as the spouse of one. Not many people could cope with it. Maybe if he knows your relationship is at stake he will start getting the help he needs. Good Luck!

[chatnoirmd]

Have you attended any of the appointments with him, besides the couples therapy? If he has a good, decent, caring, provider, even if they tell him there is nothing physical wrong, they can usually pick up on depression - it seems pretty apparent in his case. Unless he's hiding it when he goes in.

I can say that in my experience, men don't always like to see therapists or psychiatrists. They are brought up with the idea that they are the provider of the home and if they can't, they are worthless. Or if they can't 'fix' something they feel helpless. I'm sure he's feeling this way and then some.

My advice is to go to the doctors with him. I know it seems like you are babysitting, but I think you need to know what's being said, or not being said.

Have patience with him and try to reassure him that in your eyes, and his kids eyes, he's a wonderful.... fill in the blank. Be sure to name specific attributes.

And at some point you need to do what's in your best interest <3 At some point you can't continue to be his scapegoat. What makes you happy? What can you do to take care of you? This sounds like more than depression to me. A book that really helped me was stop walking on eggshells.

You can love him as much as you want, but he needs to keep his stuff. This affects you and his kids long term. This will affect the type of partner they may pick. Just my thought. Many hugs to you!