Giving up

[Taaajaca4]

I am 42 years old. I have strugggled with depression since I was 12. Sometimes I do well and get my life in order. But I've mostly just made my life a disaster. Everyone tells me to see my doctor and my therapist and I go. And I get better for awhile, then I fall down the deep dark hole and I begin to contemplate ending my life. Then I get better for awhile, then the cycle goes again. This time I am tired. I am too tired to keep on fighting. I have no one left because everyone is tired of me not getting better. I just don't see the point of fighting anymore. I'm too old. I've failed too many times. Life has no meaning.

[Opossumish]

Don't give up! One day you'll feel better, it 's just hard to believe when you're in that dark space. I'm 52 and have also struggled with depression since childhood ; I completely understand your frustration and exhaustion. All I can tell you is that until recently I was in the same spot you were in, and today I'm not. At the time it didn't seem possible that I would ever feel better, but today I do. I know I'll feel bad again, I always do, but right now I'm working hard to be mindful that I'm finally glad to be alive, and can feel some hope for the future. I'm trying to memorize this feeling so I can look to it next time I want to die.

Hang in there. This will pass. You are so strong and brave to have survived. Try to be kind to yourself.

[Hidden in reply to Opossumish]

i feel just like you, i am 61, have had depression for 20 years, i see a therapist weekly and we are uncovering a lot of feelings that i have held in since childhood, i never spoke up for myself, i let people push me around, i was so dependent on my parents, especially my mom to save me, protect me and to this day, i am like a small child when i have depressive thoughts, fears, etc She is 91. I have two married children and 4 grandchildren and a husband. But its my mom who i confide in a whos words help comfort me. The depression is a family genetic illness that my father, grandmother, and cosin all have. i want to enjoy my life, I want to smile and laugh. But my depression came back again 2 weeks ago and i am on different medication and a new dr for 3 weeks so far and i wake up feeling so down every day. it hurts so bad

[Depressed1996]

I'm sorry to hear. I'm praying for you. I don't think you should quit. If you need to talk if listen.

[Depressed1996 in reply to Depressed1996]

*id

[Modiva]

I feel as if you are writing the words in my head. My life is a similar story the ups and downs of depression/anxiety. I'm learning that the vast majority of people suffer from a fair amount of anxiety it just seems to present itself in different ways. Please know that you are not alone, you are loved and don't ever give up.... then the anxiety wins. You are too good for that.

[Hidden]

hi taaja, I know exactly how you feel. I too have suffered for over 20 years. I tried to end my life by overdosing twice. the look on my childrens faces was enough to make me realize that i could not do that to my loved ones. i now have grandchildren, when my depression clears away, i am able to enjoy them more than anything in life. Depression is a curse, a brain poison, it affects every thought, action, feeling. i recently switched drs, and meds, and i am waiting to see the results. i am tired too. Hang on